


He Loves Me Not

by BitterSnowflake



Category: Actor RPF, Benedict Cumberbatch - Fandom, British Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Age Difference, Age Play, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming of Age, Depression, Dirty Talk, Drama, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fanfiction, Grief, Masturbation, Romance, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Sexual Fantasy, Spanking, Teen Angst, Unanswered love, Unrequited Love, he loves me not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-04-20 15:29:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 74,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4792742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterSnowflake/pseuds/BitterSnowflake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Norah is a troubled teenager who is secretly and obsessively in love with her sister Sarah’s boyfriend, Tom. Sarah constantly worries about her younger sister, who is struggling with depression and anxiety, and one night, after a long evening at a charity event, Tom decides that he has had quite enough of Norah’s at times reckless and selfish behaviour. Tom shows a whole new side of himself as he tries to help Norah break her vicious circle of self-destruction and show her the beautiful things in life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Now the drugs don't work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

Norah pressed her cheek against the cool window pane and shut her eyes for a moment as she hummed along to the song playing on her computer. Her cheeks were damp from the tears she had been spilling and her lips were stained with red wine. There was a knock on the door, barely audible through the music. Norah just snorted at the sound and remained seated on the windowsill.

_'Now the drugs don't work_  
_They just make you worse  
But I know I'll see your face again_

_‘Cause baby, oh, if heaven calls, I’m coming, too  
Just like you said, if you leave my life, I’m better off de-'_

The music was turned off and Norah looked up to see Tom standing by her computer with an ambiguous facial expression.

“Dead,” she mumbled softly, finishing the sentence where the song had been cut off. She raised her wine glass for another sip and looked Tom dead in the eye as he slowly approached her. While his face was hard to read, his blue eyes held a palette of emotions. Annoyance, frustration, sadness, concern, and relief, all at once. With a sigh Tom took the wine glass from the girl’s hand and brought her into his comforting embrace. Norah leaned her forehead against his shirt clad chest and breathed in his perfume. His scent had always had a soothing effect on her and she was glad to have him in her miserable life, even if it wasn’t in the way she had wanted.

“Norah?” her older sister called out urgently from the door frame and gave a sigh of relief before hurrying up to the window. “Are you alright?”

“I’m okay, Sarah,” Norah sighed as Tom stepped aside, leaving room for his girlfriend to greet her little sister. Sarah wrapped her arms around her sister, hugging her hard before letting go and giving her a reproachful look.

“You had me worried sick!” Sarah rebuked, causing Norah to give a frustrated sigh. “Why didn’t you answer any of my calls? And why in the world would you leave the movie paused on that precise scene?” Norah looked confused for a moment before realizing what her sister was talking about. She gave a weary smile and let out a joyless chuckle as she thought about the scene she had been pausing on and realized what kind of message that was sending out to her easily worried sister. In the scene a young girl is found unconscious in a hotel bathtub after an attempted suicide. “It’s not funny!” Sarah yelled, only causing Norah to laugh harder.

Tom sighed and pulled his increasingly upset girlfriend into a loving hug before leading her away from Norah, who was giving an unpleasant, hollow laugh.

“I hate it when she does that,” Sarah sobbed as they walked down the hallway.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he hushed her as they reached their bedroom. “It’s been a long day. You should go to bed, my love.” He lifted her up as if she was light as a feather and gently placed her on the bed.

“But Norah, you have to check on Norah,” Sarah insisted. She was so tired that she struggled to keep her eyes open. Her beautiful face was smeared with mascara from crying out of worry for her sister’s well-being. Tom sat down on the bed and let his long fingers gently fondle her cheeks as he gave her a sympathetic look. She was such a wonderful person who had sacrificed most of her social life in order to take care of her mentally unstable sister.

“I will look after her,” he promised and planted a soft kiss on Sarah’s plump lips. “Just focus on getting some rest now, my love.” He was about to leave when Sarah spoke again.

“Please check the medicine cabinet, just in case.”

“I will. Go to sleep now, my darling,” Tom assured and gave one of her hands a squeeze.

“Tom, do you think she will ever lead a normal life?”

“I’m sure of it,” Tom replied confidently. “Sleep tight, beautiful.”

Tom sighed as he finally closed the door behind him. He hated to see his beautiful Sarah in tears. And he hated the fact that her sister appeared to be so absorbed within herself and her own little world of misery that she didn’t realize how much her reckless actions were affecting those around her. He grabbed the key to the medicine cabinet, which they kept hidden behind a painting, on his way to the kitchen. He sighed as he went through the different jars and boxes that were contained in the cabinet and checked them against the carefully written list of medicines and the number of pills remaining in each of the jars. He smiled a little to himself as he thought of Sarah’s tidiness on the verge of being obsessive and her sweet fondness for list-making. She really was quite the opposite of her younger sister, who was messy, highly unorganised and neglectful.

After deciding that nothing seemed to be missing, Tom carefully put everything back into the cabinet before locking it and walking back upstairs. Once he reached Norah’s messy room, he was met by the sight of her filling up her glass with more red wine.

“Norah,” he sighed and seated himself next to her on the floor. He took the glass away from her just as she was about to take a sip. “I think you’ve had quite enough of that.” Norah gave him a defiant look and reached for the wine bottle instead. Tom grabbed it before her and placed it out of her reach. “Why do you keep doing these things?” he asked with a slight edge to his voice.

Norah sighed heavily and placed her head against his shoulder. “I don’t know, Tom,” she muttered in her melancholy, drunken state.

“You’ll be eighteen soon. Don’t you think it’s about time you grow up and start taking care of yourself?” Tom asked a bit harshly, hoping to bring the girl out of her self-pity. Norah scooted over, leaving a space between them and hugged her knees as she stared in front of her with watery eyes. Tom looked at her carefully, trying to decide of which nature the effect of his words had on the girl. Was she actually ashamed of herself? Or was she sinking deeper into the swamp of self-pity?

“I don’t want to live, Tom,” she muttered, causing him to give a frustrated sigh.

“Can’t you think about someone other than yourself for once, Norah?” he growled angrily. She glared at him with watery eyes as she got up from the wooden floor. She marched over to her chest of drawers and took something out of the top drawer. Tom was quick to follow and towered over her as she raised the small object, pressing it against her own throat. Once he realized it was a razor, Tom instinctively grabbed her by the wrist and squeezed it firmly until she let go of the sharp metal object. “You foolish, reckless girl!” Tom bellowed at her and forcefully pushed her down on top of her bed. He could hardly believe that she actually had it in her to act so dramatically around him. Because usually, she would immediately cease yelling at her sister, throw things or act out in any other way as soon as he entered the room. But not this time. Perhaps because she was drunk or because he had really upset her by basically calling her childish, irresponsible and selfish. Norah stared up at him in shock as he sat down at the edge of the bed with gritted teeth and glared at her. When she tried to sit up, Tom angrily placed a hand on top of her shoulder and forcefully pushed her back down on the bed.

“Tom?” Norah uttered in a pitiful voice and he let go of her with a frustrated sigh. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I would never...” she paused and slowly sat up as she carefully regarded his rigid facial expression. “I promised Sarah I wouldn’t leave her. I know I’ve broken a lot of promises, but that’s one I won’t break.” Tom finally relaxed his jaw and looked at her with a thoughtful expression. “You’re right, Tom. I am irresponsible and selfish. I don’t want to be, but I am,” Norah continued. Her voice was shuddering slightly and she couldn’t bring herself to look at him as she spoke. Tom placed his thumb under her chin and made her look at him. He needed to see her eyes, they would tell whether she was being sincere or not. To his satisfaction, she really seemed to be ashamed of herself for once. Norah began to fumble nervously with her hands as he held her head in place and kept looking into her eyes.

“Then change,” Tom said solemnly as he finally let go of her chin. Norah immediately looked down on her hands and sighed.

“I don’t know if I can,” Norah replied truthfully. Tom put his hands on each side of her face and made her look at him again.

“Of course you can,” he said with a brief smile and brought her into a hug. “I will make sure you do,” he promised, causing Norah to chew her lip nervously as she leaned against him. She wasn’t sure that she would really change, and she didn’t like the prospect of disappointing Tom once she failed.

“What if I don’t change?” she mumbled into his chest. Tom broke the hug and looked at her with blue, searching eyes.

“You really have to commit to it,” he said truthfully and got up from the bed. “Come on,” he urged, offering his hand to help her up. Norah took it and followed him over to where her computer was. Tom pulled out an extra chair for her before he seated himself in front of the computer screen and opened an empty text document. Norah sat down on the chair he had pulled out for her and watched in silence as he began to write.

##### Agreement

Hereby I, Norah Marie Collins, agree to commit to change in accordance to the list as follows:

I will cease to perform any form of self destructive actions, such as inflicting damage to myself, skip meals, consume alcohol when feeling depressed or anxious, or in any other way do things that are not good for my body or mind. Also, I will not put myself in any unnecessary danger.  
I will let someone know when I feel depressed, anxious or feel the urge to hurt myself in any way, and accept the help and support being offered.  
I will let Sarah or Tom know where I am going and keep my phone with me at all time so they can reach me, and I will not ignore texts and phone calls when they try to get in touch with me.  
I will apologize when I do or say something hurtful or wrong and take full responsibility for my actions.  
I will stop skipping doctor’s appointments and go to my scheduled therapy sessions, actually _talking_ to the therapist. I will also take my medicines in accordance to the doctor’s instructions.  
I will stop skipping school and get my GCSE.  
I will start painting again, and do other things that favour my self-expression.

At the end of the page, Tom had left space for three signatures, the date of which the agreement was being signed and the name of the city.

Once he was finished establishing the written agreement, Tom looked over at Norah to see her reaction. She was biting her fingernails as she slowly scanned the page with a concentrated look on her face, considering every point carefully. She frowned and sighed, bothered by how much effort it would take from her to actually implement all of the changes Tom had listed for her. She was surprised that he had actually caught up that much on what had been going on for the last year and a half, seeing as they had barely spoken to each other.

“Do you agree to sign this with me and Sarah tomorrow?” he asked in a serious voice and gave her a piercing gaze as she hesitated.

“It’s so much. What if I can’t do it all?” Norah wondered. “Then I will break the agreements and just go back to being a failure.” Tom looked slightly annoyed as he listened to her, but contained his irritation and began to explain the agreement to her.

“Look, if you break any of the agreements it doesn’t mean you have failed. It means you will have to work harder. No one expects you to change overnight. You will make mistakes and mess up, and that’s okay, as long as you accept the consequences of your actions and try harder next time,” Tom said resolutely. He had made up his mind; Norah was going to change and he was going to make sure she did, whether she liked it or not.

Norah looked at him with a puzzled expression for a long moment. “Okay,” she finally muttered, defeated and meek after staring into Tom’s blue eyes that were basically saying ‘don’t you dare object to this any further’. “I will sign it tomorrow.”

“Good,” Tom said, his gaze immediately softening as he smiled at her. After printing out the agreement, he turned to Norah who was keeping herself occupied by picking at a scab on her hand. He frowned and rolled up her shirt sleeve to have a look at her underarm. Norah immediately flinched away from his touch and was about to pull her sleeve back down when Tom stopped her. “Norah,” he sighed as he gently stroke his long fingers over the scar tissue in various stages of healing. The girl looked away from the damage she had so drastically inflicted to herself and shuddered under the feel of his touch. ‘If only he could touch me like that anywhere but there’, she thought bitterly and bit her lip as Tom pulled up her other sleeve to do the same on the scars of her other arm. At the same time as she found the touch to be enjoyable, it was highly inconvenient as her scars made her feel unattractive.

The touch stopped as suddenly as it had begun and Norah found herself aching for more. She looked up at Tom, who seemed to have something else entirely on his mind. His blue eyes were glued to the razor on the floor and he walked over to pick it up, leaving Norah sitting there feeling like a fool for hoping that he would ever think of her as something other than his girlfriend’s troublesome little sister who needed to be taken care of.

They spent half an hour emptying her room of things Tom found to be unfit, such as sharp objects, lighters and alcohol. Norah slumped down on her bed as Tom looked in awe at all the bottles she had kept hidden all over her room.

“Where did you get all this?” he asked and examined a bottle of whiskey.

“A friend of a friend,” Norah mumbled sleepily as she stretched out on the bed.

“Are you selling these?” Tom asked with a raised eyebrow. Norah smiled to herself. Sometimes it was as if he was looking right through her, while he at other times hardly seemed to see her at all.

“I used to,” she admitted, thinking back at a time when she had been pretty rebellious. “Then I didn’t feel like meeting people anymore, so I stopped and got stuck with a whole lot of it,” she added with a bitter smile as she thought about what Tom’s reaction would be if she went back to her more outgoing, chaos self again. “Are we done now?” she asked as Tom had finished putting all the things into plastic bags.

“Just help me carry these into the guest room and we’re done,” he said, seemingly not entirely unamused by the fact that she had managed to keep over twenty bottles of liquor hidden in her room without her sister noticing. “Do you drink a lot?” he asked as they put the bags down on the floor in the sparsely furnished bedroom.

“Only when I’m really depressed,” Norah replied. “Which is not all that often.”

“What made you feel like that tonight?” Tom wondered.

“Tonight was the fifth anniversary of my parents passing,” Norah replied silently.

“Oh,” Tom said as he recalled how unusually quiet and uncharacteristically downbeat Sarah had been the entire day. He had just assumed that she had caught a virus or something, which is why he had been so eager to get her into bed. He felt a sting of bad consciousness for not knowing something that significant after going out with her for a little more than a year and a half. But at the same time, how could he possibly know, when Sarah so very rarely spoke of her parents’ death. She avoided the subject as if it was the plague.

“She doesn’t like to talk about it,” Norah explained, guessing what he was thinking. “Please don’t remind her of it. Just act like you always do. She needs you to do that… Actually, she needs me to do that as well... but I just can’t. I miss them so much.” With every word she spoke, Norah felt herself getting increasingly sad and Tom was quick to wrap his arms around her.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled soothingly into her hair as he stroke her back. “Just let it out.” Eventually, the girl’s sobs died out and she looked up at him with tear-filled eyes.

“Thank you, Tom,” Norah said quietly.

“Are you going to be okay?” Tom asked as she began to make her way back to her room. She turned around to look at him with a rare gentle smile and nodded.

“Good night, Tom.”

“Good night, Norah. Just let me know if you need anything,” Tom replied and put the lights out in the guest room.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	2. “Are you going to eat or do I have to feed you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

Norah was surprised by Tom’s persistence when it came to making sure that she actually did change her ways. The day they signed the agreement, he insisted that she would eat together with him and Sarah, rather than alone on her room like she used to, and whenever she tried to talk her way out of finishing her meal, he refused to yield. At the same time as it made Norah feel like she was back in the psychiatric ward again and it annoyed her greatly, she found herself appreciative about what he was trying to do. When Sarah beamed and looked at her with such pride every time she finished her meal or did any of the other things written on the agreement, Norah couldn’t bring herself to be truly angry with neither Sarah nor Tom for being so persistent all the time. Of course Norah was visibly annoyed and glared at them a lot, but she didn’t refuse to listen and just walk away like she normally would. Whenever she tried anything like that, Tom would be there and find the right things to say to make her want to try harder. Sarah was confounded as to why Tom had the ability to make Norah listen, when she had tried to do the same thing for over five years. She came to the conclusions that it probably was easier for Norah to listen to someone who wasn’t her big sister and that it had to do with the fact that Norah really liked and looked up to Tom.

Once Tom had to leave for work, it became a harder for both Sarah and Norah to keep up the new habits. He was absent for several days at a time and tried his best to support them from afar through texting and skype, but it didn’t have the same effect when he couldn’t be there in person to help Sarah not giving in to Norah’s pleas or fall for her tricks, or talk to Norah when she needed to be convinced that she had to keep doing all those things for her own sake.

After some work intense months, Tom finally had a few weeks off. Sarah was delighted and couldn’t wait to get to the island on which they had hired a house for two weeks, while Norah had more mixed feelings about Tom’s return. She had missed having him around and looked forward to it, but she also dreaded that he would be disappointed in her for not really doing her work.

When Tom came back, Norah was both relieved and annoyed by Sarah’s way of practically clinging to him all the time. It meant that he didn’t get the chance to talk to Norah alone, which was both a relief and a disappointment. Norah had missed their little talks, even the ones when he had been displeased with her. She found him painfully attractive no matter what mood he was in or what words left his lips. It had been a relief to not have him around and be constantly reminded of what she couldn’t have. She had tried so hard to forget about the feelings she had for him by ignoring his texts and calls. But once she saw him in person, all her effort proved to be for nothing. Norah couldn’t help but feeling jealous as Sarah couldn’t seem to keep her hands off Tom. It was as if she subconsciously knew about Norah’s feelings for Tom and did it in order to show to whom he belonged.

Norah glared at her sister’s hand on Tom’s thigh as she changed the song on her phone. She felt the urge to just open the door and get out of the moving car, but decided against it once she realized that it would probably kill her. She didn’t like the prospect of being the third wheel in the middle of nowhere, especially not in a place with bad internet connection. With a sigh Norah began to play a game on her phone, desperate for any sort of distraction from the disgustingly cute love couple in the front seats of the car. Norah ignored her motion sickness for as long as she could, before finally throwing up into a plastic bag. She opened the window and thoughtlessly threw the bag out, causing Sarah to impatiently tap her on the knee. With a look of annoyance mixed with confusion, Norah pulled out her headphones to hear what her sister was saying.

“You can’t throw things out the window when we’re on a bloody motorway, Norah!” Sarah argued.

“What? Did I hit someone?” Norah asked almost hopefully as she looked over her shoulder to the car behind them.

“No, but you could have,” Sarah replied and grabbed Norah’s phone.

“What the fuck, Sarah? If you’re going to be this angry about it, I kind of wish I would have hit someone with it,” Norah muttered angrily. She couldn’t help but smile as Sarah gave her a menacing glare. “Perhaps I should throw something else out,” she teased.

“Stop it, Norah. Sarah’s right, it could be dangerous,” Tom spoke from the driver’s seat, causing Norah to grimace.

“Of course you would say that. You always take Sarah’s side!” Norah accused and angrily kicked Sarah’s seat.

“Stop it, Norah!” Sarah told her angrily.

“Stop acting like a bloody child or I will make sure to treat you like one,” Tom warned her, again taking Sarah’s side. His voice was calm but it still had an edge to it.

“You already do,” Norah muttered and glared defiantly at him as she kicked her sister’s seat again.

“That’s enough!” Tom yelled at her. Norah bit her lip nervously and lowered her gaze once she met his angry glare. He was very rarely angry, which only made it all the more startling and effective when he was.

“I’m sorry,” Norah mumbled awkwardly and began fumbling with her hands anxiously. She had never been good with confrontational situations and was more than eager to get out of this one.

“It’s a bit late for that now, don’t you think?” Tom replied bitterly as he turned his attention back to the road.

“I won’t do it again,” Norah promised.

“You better not,” Tom warned. “You’re still in trouble, though.”

“I know,” Norah mumbled and sighed as she leaned her head against the cold window pane.

They stopped to have lunch at a restaurant and Norah’s bad mood got worse when she wasn’t allowed to order a salad. When she refused to pick something else from the menu, Sarah ordered her a fish dish. Norah felt trapped as she sat by the window and her only way out of the cubicle seat was blocked by Tom.

“Are you going to eat or do I have to feed you?” Tom asked irritably after Norah had spent the last five minutes poking around her food. Her cheeks flushed red and she unwillingly took a small bite from the haddock. “You need to eat a bit faster if you don’t want us to miss the boat.” Norah demonstratively put her fork down and turned away from Tom. He sighed and put down his cutlery before grabbing Norah’s fork. After putting some food on it, he held it out to her and spoke in a high pitched baby voice. “Come on now, one bite for Sarah.”

Norah felt her cheeks flush red from embarrassment as she glared at him and grabbed the fork. “Fine! I’ll eat if you promise not to ever do that again.” Tom gave a victorious smile as he nodded in agreement.

Norah sullenly ate her food as Sarah and Tom had a pleasant conversation about how wonderful it would be to spend some time away from the city.

“Sarah, I’m done,” Norah finally said. Sarah and Tom both gazed at her plate and then at the clock on the wall to see what time it was.

“Just a few more bites,” Sarah pleaded and reached over the table to place her hand on top of Norah’s, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Please?” Norah sighed and took another bite, chewing her food slowly and thoroughly before finally swallowing. Even if she thought it tasted good, she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy it. She was on the verge of tears as she forced herself to another bite. “It’s all in your head,” Sarah pressed on as Norah looked at her pleadingly.

“But I feel sick,” Norah objected and rested her head against Tom’s shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her and gave her an encouraging smile. Norah sighed again and sat up straight to have another bite. She felt as if the food was swelling in her mouth and had to keep reminding herself that it was indeed just ‘all in her head’ to stop herself from spitting it back out. After what felt like ages of chewing Norah finally managed to swallow the food along with a sip of water. She looked down at the pieces of fish and potato which she had carefully spread out around the plate to make it look as empty as possible. Norah really wished she could bring herself to hate Tom when he grabbed her fork and scraped all the pieces together into a pile, revealing how much there was really left. Norah pushed her plate aside and put her head down against the table in defeat. “You suck,” she spat at Tom when he asked her to finish her meal. She took one more bite before purposely spilling the rest of her water on top of her plate.

“Just leave it, Tom,” Sarah said when he was about to say something. “After all, she ate almost all of it and we really need to get going now.”

“Fine,” Tom said and gave Norah a look of disapproval before standing up. She had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling as she began walking to the bathroom.

“I’ll come with you,” Sarah insisted and followed her inside.

“I wasn’t going to throw up, you know,“ Norah said sullenly as she sat down on the toilet.

“I needed to go too,” Sarah replied as she looked herself in the mirror and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Norah sighed. She was certain that Sarah knew she was lying.

...

Norah tried to remain cold and distant towards Tom and Sarah, but found it hard to stop herself from smiling as they kept goofing around the house. Like children, the two adults kept running around the house, constantly finding new things to joke around with and laugh at.

“Are you high or something?” Norah asked as she found them lying under the large carpet on the kitchen floor. She could hear both of them giggling from under the carpet and leaned down to get a closer look at them as they were peeking back at her.

“I don’t think she’s seen us yet,” Sarah whispered indiscreetly, causing Norah to roll her eyes as she stood back up.

“Me neither. We make the best spies, you and I,” Tom audibly whispered back.

“I agree. Who would expect to find anyone under the carpet?” Sarah replied. Norah smiled and shook her head at their silliness when she walked past them to get a glass of water.

“Charge!” she could hear Tom hiss and before she knew it, Norah found herself lying under the carpet along with Sarah and Tom.

“You’re drunk! Aren’t you?” Norah guessed as she tried to find an explanation as to why they were acting so strangely.

“We’ve been exposed!” Tom exclaimed and took the carpet off them. He looked slyly at Norah before putting the carpet back down on top of her. “Retreat!” he yelled and grabbed Sarah’s hand before rushing out from the kitchen.

Norah threw the carpet off her and shook her head again as she helped herself to a glass of water. When she turned around, she was startled to find Tom and Sarah peeking their heads out from each side of the door frame and involuntarily sprayed the floor with water. Tom and Sarah both smiled apologetically as they reentered the kitchen.

“Are you still angry with us?” Sarah asked and tilted her head slightly to the side as she gave an innocent smile.

Norah sighed and shook her head at them once again. “You do realize that you’re the biggest dorks I know, right?” she smiled.

“You’re not so bad either,” Tom responded and brought her into a hug. Sarah followed his example and joined in on the hug.

“You do know that we’re annoying because we love you, right?” Sarah asked, causing Norah to shrug as she thought about all the food they had compelled her to eat.

“Well now you know,” Tom said with a heart-warming smile. Norah smiled as she returned the hug. Tom had more or less said that he loved her. She didn’t care that it was obviously meant it in a platonic way, because it made her so immensely happy. _‘He loves me,’_ she thought and bit her lip as she pretended that it was in the same way she loved him. She was vastly aware of his muscle-bound torso pressing slightly against her and had to resist the urge to reach out and run her hands along his body. She loved him. And she wanted to hate the fact that she did, but she couldn’t. She loved him. And she loved loving him, even though it hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	3. Not hers to take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

Norah gave a frustrated sigh as she walked around the house for what felt like the hundredth time that day. It had been pouring continuously throughout the day and the internet connection was so bad that she had to stop herself from throwing her laptop into the wall in frustration. She was too restless to read a book or even watch a movie, and had already disturbed Tom and Sarah enough to make them both annoyed with her.

"I'm bored!" she exclaimed and threw her arms out dramatically as she entered the living room, causing both Tom and Sarah to look up from what they were doing.

"I'm going to start with the food soon. You could help me with that," Tom suggested after sighing and putting his script down in his lap. His eyes were slightly narrowed with annoyance as he looked at her, waiting for an answer. Norah could tell that she was getting on his nerves when she grimaced at the idea. It was bad enough that she had to eat the food, she wouldn't voluntarily help preparing it. She bit her lip and quickly thought about something else to do other than disturbing Tom and Sarah.

"Can I borrow your camera?" she asked and Tom raised an eyebrow at her, seemingly surprised by her sudden initiative to do something other than walking around the house whining about how boring she thought everything was.

"Sure," he replied with a smile. "It's on my nightstand."

"Ta," Norah said over her shoulder before she ran up the stairs.

"Is it waterproof?" she asked once she was back downstairs and looked at Tom through the camera lens before snapping a photo of him. He looked up from his papers and smiled at the sight of Norah looking at her sister through the camera.

"Yeah. Are you going outside?" he asked and Norah nodded after snapping a photo of Sarah who was deeply concentrated on working on her essay. "Don't go too far. We're gonna eat soon," Tom reminded, causing Norah to roll her eyes at him.

"How far could I possibly go? We're on a bloody island, remember?" she laughed.

"Right," Tom smiled. "Have fun!" It was obvious that he was eager to have Norah out of the house so that he could finally concentrate on his work.

"I couldn't possibly get more bored than this!" Norah replied as she pulled on her converses, the camera hanging from its strap around her neck.

"Put your raincoat on," Sarah reminded without even looking up from her books.

"Right," Norah replied absentmindedly, grabbed her jacket and went out the door, eager to finally do something.

The rain was pouring down on Norah as she walked around, searching for inspiration. The ocean soon caught her attention and she eagerly began to climb the rocks to get a better view of her new found motive. With a smile she snapped a couple of pictures of the wild waves violently hitting against the small isle on which an old lighthouse was situated.

“Oi!” Norah flinched, startled by the sudden sound of an unfamiliar voice coming through the whining wind and the sound of the waves hitting the rocks. She began to turn around to look for the owner of the voice, but slipped on the wet rock and began to slide down the steep towards the dark, hostile water. She yelled and desperately grasped for something to hold onto as her back was bared and grazed against the stone surface.

Once she was in the cold water, Norah immediately swam towards the surface and gasped for air as she struggled to keep her head above the water. She squinted, searching for a way out of the water and coughed as the salt water kept splashing into her mouth when she tried to breathe. _‘I don’t want to die,’_ she thought panickedly as she kept on struggling against the deadly waves. They kept pulling her out only to slam her body against the rocks. She tried desperately to find a grip on the rocks before she was yet again being pulled out by the powerful waves, but it seemed to be all in vain. When she finally felt like giving in, she could see a figure approaching her on the rocks and used her newfound strength to yell at it for help.

Norah was overwhelmed with great relief when the stranger finally managed to get a firm grip on her wrists and pull her out of the water. She was shuddering from the cold and coughing up the disgusting salt water as the man with surprising ease lifted her up over his shoulder and skillfully carried her across the rocks. Once they reached the dirt road he put her back down on her feet.

"Are you alright?" he asked and Norah looked up at him, still taking in the fact that she was no longer in the water. She nodded and swallowed nervously as the man glared angrily at her with his small grey eyes. "If I were your father I would give you a good walloping for acting so recklessly!" he reprimanded her. Norah could feel herself blush and was taken by surprise by the old man’s sudden outburst. Once she regained herself, she glared back at him and replied that she very much preferred her kind, dead father to an abusive, old prick like himself. "So this is how you thank me for saving your life? Insolent child!" the man growled as he grabbed a firm hold of Norah's jacket and began to march with her down the dirt road.

"What are you doing?" Norah asked in a pitiful voice and almost panicked, fearing that he would actually hit her because of what she said.

"I'm taking you back to whoever it is that take care of you now," the man muttered and steered his steps towards the house that Tom and Sarah were renting.

"How do you know where we're staying?" Norah demanded, struggling to keep up with his fast pace. She was tired from swimming and her wet clothes weighed her down as they clung uncomfortably to her body.

"There aren't exactly that many people on this island if you haven't noticed. It's not that hard to keep up with who is renting out their house to whom," the man replied bitterly as he knocked on the door.

As soon as Tom opened the door, Norah broke free from the old man's grip and ran into the house.

"Are you her caregiver?" Tom looked at the old man in confusion.

"I guess you could say that," he replied, not wanting to wake up Sarah who had just went to bed early. "I'm sorry, would you like to come inside?" Tom offered and stepped aside. The old man muttered something inaudible in response and entered the house.

Tom led the guest into the kitchen and offered him a cup of tea. When they both sat down to drink, the old man told Tom about what had happened.

"If she hadn't been such a strong swimmer she would have still been under water by now," the old man explained solemnly and put his cup down on the table. "But being a strong swimmer isn't enough if you don't find a way out of the water soon. You get tired when you're fighting for your life. She put up a great fight and I'm glad I was able to help her up, even if she did call me an old prick," he explained to Tom who was listening politely.

"She called you an old prick after you just saved her life?" Tom asked confusedly. His mind was still processing the information about Norah almost drowning and he didn't quite know what to say or do. "I'll talk to her. She can't go around saying things like that," he added absently. "Thank you so much for saving her. Really, thank you. If there's anything at all that I can do..."

"You can teach her to respect the ocean. It may be beautiful and provide this planet with life, but it's also traitorous and takes lives as easily and without mercy." Tom nodded in agreement as the old man spoke. "It's like they say, you know. Spare the rod and spoil the child." Tom nearly choked on his earl grey at the man’s sudden outburst.

"I think she has learned her lesson,” he replied and watched as the man put his cup down with a bitter expression on his weatherbeaten face. “I'll talk to her and have her apologise to you," Tom added as the man stood up.

"People nowadays. If you so much as lay a hand on someone they call it abuse," the old man chuckled joylessly and stroke his thick grey beard thoughtfully. He regarded Tom closely with his squinting grey eyes and curtly added. "When it doesn't work talking to her, keep in mind that actions do speak louder than words." Tom didn’t know quite what to respond to the stranger’s unwanted advice on how to raise Norah so he just forced a polite smile as he followed the man to the door.

“Thank you so much,” Tom said once more as he shook the old man’s hand. He couldn’t wait to have the peculiar old man out of the house.

“No worries, I’m just glad I could help,” the old man replied with an unexpected niceness to his voice as he looked at Tom. “The name’s Ronald.”

“Tom,” Tom introduced himself mannerly. “Thank you, Ronald,” he added as the old man opened the door to finally leave. Ronald just nodded in response before leaving.

Tom gave a sigh of relief as he locked the door and hurried upstairs to check on Norah. The bathroom door was ajar and he peeked inside to find Norah sitting in the bathtub, still fully dressed as she tried to warm herself with the hot water coming from the shower nozzle. He raised his eyebrows at her and smiled, amused by the sight.

“Norah, what are you doing?” he asked as he walked up to the bathtub. He squatted down next to it and turned the shower off. “You need to get those clothes off if you want to get any warmer.” His heart almost melted as she looked up at him with her big, blue-green eyes. She looked so pitiful and confused, much like a lost puppy. Tom figured that she must have been in shock and smiled assuringly at her as he began to take her jacket off. “It’s alright, I will help you.”

Norah just sat there silently as Tom carefully removed her jumper and t-shirt, without so much as touching her skin. He frowned as the large scratch on her back caught his attention and examined it for a moment before taking the shower to carefully rinse the grazed area. Norah whimpered and scooted away from the water jet in response, but Tom hushed her and took her hand in his to comfort her as he continued to clean the scratch on her back. She looked down at his large hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. Tom smiled as he squeezed her cold hand back before letting it go. He turned off the shower and Norah watched in trance as he untied her shoes before gently taking them off along with her socks. Once the shoes were off Tom paused, hesitating for a moment as he looked at her soaked jeans. He glanced at Norah and sighed as he noticed her distant gaze. He gently pressed her knees down to get better access to unbutton her jeans and was careful not to touch her thighs as he slowly pulled them off. When Norah was stripped of everything except for her underwear, Tom began to draw her a bath.

“Norah,” he said gently and waved his hand in front of her eyes to catch her attention. Norah slowly turned to look at him, but it was as if she didn’t really see him. Tom gently caressed her cheek with the back of his hand and sighed. “It’s alright dear. You’re going to be just fine.”

Norah pulled her legs up to her chest and leaned her head against her knees as Tom turned the water tap off, switching back to the shower nozzle. After rinsing the girl’s hair he grabbed the shampoo bottle. Norah shut her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Tom’s long fingers gently massaging her scalp as he shampooed her hair. Tom sighed and shook his head to himself as he combed his fingers the brown, tangled mess of hair, constantly finding a new snarl to sort out. When he was finally done with her hair, Tom went on to gingerly clean the girl’s back, arms and legs with a bath sponge. Norah smiled to herself at how he never once seemed to come in contact with her skin. Knowing Tom, she assumed that he had barely even looked at her half naked body as he undressed and bathed her. As she was slowly snapping out of her dreamlike state, Norah had to bite her lip to stop herself from letting out a moan that would reveal how much she enjoyed having Tom almost touching her. She couldn’t help but feeling a bit disappointed when Tom put the sponge down and began to empty the tub, seemingly completely oblivious to what he was doing to her. She wanted him to touch her so badly, but she knew that he never would do so as long as he was dating her sister. Norah suppressed a frustrated sigh as Tom swiftly rinsed off the shampoo and soap with the shower. When he finally turned the water off and put a towel over her shoulders, she immediately pulled it closer around her half-naked body before looking up at him. Norah felt both frustrated and humiliated by the fact that Tom seemed completely unfazed by the fact that she was sitting there almost naked in front of him. Did he really find her that unattractive?

“Are you feeling better now?” he asked with a smile and met Norah’s alert gaze as he wrapped a towel around her hair. Norah nodded as stood up in the tub, blushing from embarrassment. “You don’t need to be embarrassed. I didn’t look at you,” Tom assured her, feeling his own cheeks flush as he saw her reddened ones.

“Of course you didn’t,” Norah muttered in response and felt on the verge of tears as she stepped out of the tub. “Where’s Sarah?” she added, wanting to change the subject when she saw the puzzled look on Tom’s face.

“Um… She wasn’t feeling well so she went to bed early,” Tom explained and began picking up the wet clothes from the floor.

“She’s ill?” Norah asked with such alarm in her voice that Tom looked up at her, somewhat startled. Then he remembered something Sarah had told him and smiled assuringly at the girl. _‘If I catch something as little as a cold, Norah freaks out and wants me to go to the doctor because she thinks it’s lung cancer or something.’_

“No, she’s just fine. She just had a headache from reading all day,” Tom explained as he absentmindedly held the pile of wet clothes against his chest.

“Are you sure?” Norah insisted. “Don’t people with brain cancer get headaches?”

“She’s not dying, Norah. It’s just an ordinary headache. I promise,” Tom assured her. “She just needs some rest and she’ll be fine again in the morning, okay?” he added when Norah didn’t look entirely convinced. “How come you worry so much about Sarah’s well-being when you’re so completely thoughtless when it comes to your own?” Tom wondered somewhat reproachfully, causing Norah to look up at him with surprise.

“I… don’t know,” Norah blushed and looked down at her fumbling hands in shame when she failed to come up with a good answer.

“Well,” Tom said firmly as he placed a finger under her chin, making her look at him. “Maybe you should think about that, because Sarah needs you just as much as you need her.” Norah swallowed nervously as she looked straight into Tom’s piercing blue eyes. All her feelings of resentment towards him for not showing any sign of physical attraction to her was replaced by those of shame and self-consciousness. He simply wasn’t hers to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	4. "You know, you’re awfully cute when you’re angry"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

Norah ignored the knock on her bedroom door. She had put some warm clothes on before curling into fetal position on the bed and stared blankly at the wall in front of her. She didn’t realize that she was no longer alone in the room until she felt the weight on the bed shift slightly.

“Are you okay?” Tom asked and gently stroke a lock of hair away from her face.

“I don’t understand,” Norah mumbled in response, her blue-green gaze still fixed on the wall. “For the last few years I thought that what I really wanted to do was to die. That I would embrace death... But when it came down to it, all I could think of was how much I didn’t want to die.” She sighed and turned her head slightly to look up at Tom who was gazing at her with concern in his eyes.

“Isn’t that a good thing? That you don’t want to die?” Tom wondered with a gentle smile. Norah sighed and slightly shook her head at him.

“It’s not that I don’t want to die... I just didn’t want to die like that, in panic, desperately fighting for air. Feeling so utterly… powerless. I have like a gnawing feeling in my chest,” she explained deliberately and placed a clenched fist above her chest bone to emphasise her words. “And it’s eating me up from the inside. It consumes me and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Tom frowned slightly and bit his lower lip thoughtfully as he looked at her. “So you want to be in control of how you die?” Norah nodded slowly in response. “So you didn’t do it on purpose?” Tom asked bluntly and carefully studied her reaction.

Norah frowned and shook her head slightly before sitting up in the bed. “No. It was an accident,” she replied with a bit of an edge to her tone. She scoffed and narrowed her eyes slightly at him. “If I would try to drown myself I would make sure to take some fucking tranquilizers before! Do you have any idea how hard it is to drown yourself? That’s hardly how I plan to do it!” Norah spat out in a moment of anger. Once she realized what she had just said, she cursed to herself and buried her head in her hands. Tears of bitterness formed in her eyes and that gnawing feeling in her chest grew stronger. She had said too much and now it was too late for her to take it back.

"That's hardly how you plan to do it," Tom muttered and gave her a reproachful look. "Then please, Norah, tell me how you plan to do it."

Norah felt her face practically melt into a grimace as another stream of tears uncontrollably forced themselves out through her tear ducts. She tried to take a deep breath in a vain attempt to gather herself, but it felt as if someone was squeezing her air pipes together making it almost impossible for her to breathe.

"Norah, please calm down," Tom pleaded as he witnessed her struggle to breathe properly.

"I- I can't- b-breathe!" the girl managed to force out between shallow breaths that caused a highly unpleasant, wheezing sound.

"Of course you can breathe," Tom said dismissively, skilfully masking how alarmed he really was. Considering the fact that Norah had just recently nearly drowned, he couldn't quite bring himself to write this off as yet another panic attack. His mind raced as he tried to come up with a way to rule out the possibility that she still might have some water in her lungs. That's when he remembered that the old, grumpy fisherman, Ronald, had briefly mentioned something about his wife being a nurse or some other profession that had to do with health care. Somewhere during the fisherman's visit, Tom had momentarily ceased to politely listen to the old man's verbosity. Something that he now deeply regretted since he couldn’t bring himself to recall what the man had said about his wife. For all Tom knew, the fisherman’s wife might not even be alive. Even though it was a long shot, Tom decided to take Norah to pay Ronald a visit.

Norah couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing when Tom unexpectedly ordered her to get off the bed and come with him. “What?” she coughed out and the panicked expression on her face now became mixed with a look of confusion.

“Just come with me!” Tom snarled and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her with him. His words and actions came out rougher than he originally had intended, but they turned out to be effective, which was exactly what he needed at that moment. So he maintained his rather harsh manner and ignored the Norah’s weak protests as he wordlessly helped her getting Sarah’s boots and raincoat on before leading her outside.

Baffled by Tom’s actions, Norah followed him wordlessly through the windy rain. Without any of them taking notice of it, Norah’s breathing slowly became less shallow as her emotions changed. The feelings of utter fear and panic that had first gripped her were slowly being replaced by those of confusion and irritation as they neared the old fisherman’s house. Once the girl realized where they were heading she stopped dead in her tracks and furiously pulled out of Tom’s grip. Surprised, he spun around to look at Norah who finally managed to take a deep breath. “What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?!” she bellowed angrily and glared darkly at him.

“Your breathing... It’s back to normal,” Tom uttered in astonishment. Relief washed over him and he found himself smiling warmly at the raging girl dressed in her sister’s oversized raincoat. She looked so small and oddly adorable as she kept glaring at him with a slight scowl on her face. “You’re okay,” Tom added with a laugh, as if that would explain his actions to the girl. “You’re going to be okay...” He began heading back to the house they were renting and cheerfully called over his shoulder to Norah once he realized she wasn’t with him. “Come along then! We don’t want you catching a cold, now do we?”

Norah stared at him as if he had lost his mind, but followed him quietly back to the house. She didn't know what to make of it. One moment, Tom was being a total hardass and in the next he was somehow overcome with giddiness. Was this his idea of some sort of a weird joke?

“What’s wrong with you?” Norah asked once they had gotten back to the house. She angrily kicked her sister’s boots off when he just smiled at her in response. “Answer me, damn it!”

“You know, you’re awfully cute when you’re angry,” Tom said lightly and playfully patted her shoulder before he went into the kitchen. Norah felt her cheeks grow warm and remained in the hall, speechless and oddly flattered by Tom’s words. Even though he had said it in a teasing manner, Norah couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him thinking she was cute. Sure, she would much prefer him to call her beautiful rather than cute and saying it in a sincere manner rather than playful, but this would have to do. At least for now.

Norah’s heart sunk as she peered into the kitchen and saw Tom setting the table for dinner. A lump formed in her throat as she thought about all the food she would most likely be compelled to eat. When Tom looked up at her from the simple table setting, Norah panicked and swiftly dashed upstairs and into her room, unintentionally slamming the door shut behind her in the heat of the moment.

She muttered profanities to herself at the sound of footsteps quickly approaching her bedroom door. If she could, she would have locked it by now, but one of the first things Sarah and Tom had done once they had decided who should sleep in which room was to rob her of that opportunity. Norah let her blue-green eyes quickly scan the room for ideas on how to either block the door, hide or escape from the situation. Her gaze paused as it reached the window and she immediately rushed towards it. The rusty hinges screeched as she forced the window open, causing her to grimace and momentarily cover her ears at the unpleasant sound. She was in the process of climbing up on the windowsill when she heard her sister’s voice behind her.

“Norah! What in the world do you think you’re doing? Get down from the window right now!” Norah could tell by the sharpness in Sarah’s voice that she was in trouble. Weighing her opportunities, Norah paused balancing with the palms of her hands and one knee on the windowsill. The other leg was already out the window, getting soaked by the rain. Once she felt a pair of hands firmly grabbing her by the shoulders from behind, she realized that she had spent a few seconds too long considering her options.

“This is just great!” she muttered bitterly as Tom pulled her back down from the windowsill. Norah bit her lip to stop herself from saying anything else when she saw the looks that the two adults were now giving her. Sarah glared darkly at Norah with tired eyes and her usually so tidy hair was all messed up from her nap, while Tom had a scowl on his usually so friendly looking face.

Norah sighed and threw herself on the unmade bed, where she quickly wrapped the covers tightly around her body before covering her head as well. It looked like a giant cocoon had been placed on the bed.

“Very mature, Norah,” Sarah commented sarcastically and impatiently began pulling at the covers. “Come on out!"

"No!" Norah protested as her sister finally managed to get a good grip on the covers and began pulling them off her. She curled up into a ball on the bed and buried her face in her knees. Norah didn't bother to hold back the tears anymore, she was too exhausted and upset to care about her appearance. "Why don't you just kill me?" she cried and glared at the two grownups. Norah's eyes revealed a glimpse of the intense battle going on behind them. She wanted so badly to hurt herself at that moment. She didn't care that the relief would only be temporary, it still was much better than feeling like this. "Can't you see that I would be much better off dead?"

"Norah..." Sarah said with pleading, tear-filled eyes and carefully put a hand on top one of her sister's hands. Norah tensed underneath her sister's touch and let her fingernails dig into the palm of her hand. Realising that it at least caused a little bit of pain, Norah repeated the action with her other hand. She focused her attention to the eight points in her hands where her fingernails lightly cut into her skin and increased the pressure as much as she could muster. At that moment she wished that her fingernails were both sharper and longer, so that they would make more efficient weapons to use against herself.

"Norah!" She looked up at Tom, surprised by the sharpness in his voice. "Have you been hearing a single word of what your sister just said?" Norah turned to look at her sister in confusion.

"What?" Norah mumbled and frowned. Her fists were still clenched tightly, both shaking a bit from all the tension building up inside of them.

Sarah gave a disappointed look and barely noticeably shook her head at her sister before turning to leave the room. Norah quickly got out of bed and placed a hand on one of her sister's shoulders to stop her from leaving.

"I'm sorry," Norah whispered and pulled Sarah into a hug once she had turned around.

"Me too," Sarah replied in a weak and broken voice. "We can't live like this anymore, Norah. I can't stand it... This constant worrying about you, what you might do to yourself... It's tearing me up inside."

Norah stopped embracing her sister and took a step back. "Are you saying you're taking me back to the hospital?" she asked in disbelief. The sight of her sister nodding her head 'yes' felt like a death sentence to Norah. As if she had just been shot, Norah put both her hands on top of her chest and dropped down to the floor. She felt numb, as if nothing really mattered anymore, or had ever even mattered to begin with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	5. “But some chances are just not worth taking”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

“Don’t give in,” Tom said suddenly, much to Norah’s surprise. She gave him a questioning glance as he sat down on the floor opposite to her and took her hands in his. Norah quickly scanned the room to see if Sarah was still there and confirmed that she wasn't. “Please, don’t be sad. If you don’t want to go back to the hospital, you simply need to change Sarah’s mind. Prove to her that she's wrong; that she can trust you not to hurt yourself anymore,” Tom explained enthusiastically and looked at her with his bright and lively eyes.

“But she’s right…” Norah muttered despondently and looked down at her hands in Tom’s. She tried to remain numb, to not care about anything anymore, but it was hard in Tom’s presence. He had the ability to make her care, to want to change for the better and not give up on life.

“Then change that,” Tom told her and looked at her with such hope in his bright blue eyes that Norah had to turn away from him. She couldn't stand the thought of him rooting for her when she knew that she almost certainly would fail him. "You're capable of so much more than you think."

Norah knew that Tom was just trying to help, but she found his words saddening rather than encouraging. If only he would give up on her too, like so many others already had, it would make it so much easier for her to just give up on herself once and for all.

"I'm not," Norah muttered and shook her head at him. "Why are you trying to keep me here anyway? Wouldn't it be a lot nicer for you to finally spend some time alone with Sarah rather than having me here interrupting you all the time?" The more she spoke her mind, the harder Norah found it to understand Tom's actions. "Can't you just be like a normal person and tell me to go kill myself if my life is so bloody miserable?" she snapped, annoyed by the fact that she couldn't wrap her head around his actions.

Tom frowned at Norah's words. "Has someone really told you that? That you should go kill yourself?" Norah nodded wordlessly as tears formed in her eyes. "Who?"

"Sarah's ex," she whispered quietly with a sad smile. "The worst part is that he wasn't really a bad person. I liked him and understood why he said it, but Sarah didn't. Or at least she didn't care about why he did it, because she broke up with him just like that, not even giving him a chance to explain himself... They were so great together and things were finally getting serious between them when I managed to ruin it all... That's the only thing I'm really good at, I guess, messing up my sister's life. Hindering her from being happy."

"You can't blame yourself for something someone else did. It was his choice to do you wrong by telling you something unforgivable like that. There are some things you just don't say, no matter how angry or upset you are with someone. It's just not right..." Tom said earnestly and returned her sad smile. "And let me tell you this: you're not hindering Sarah from being happy. Trust me when I say that you are a great source of happiness in her life, which is one of the many reasons why it's so important that you remain in it. She really loves you and would do anything to keep you safe, even if it is from yourself. That's why she's even considering something like putting you in the hospital. It's not a punishment, but rather an act of compassion. When she thinks she can no longer keep you safe, she turns to the professionals for help, because if it's one thing she can't stand, it's the thought of losing you."

Norah couldn't help but finding herself affected by Tom's little speech. As soon as he opened his mouth and spoke about something, it all seemed to make perfect sense. She was almost certain that if he put his mind to it, Tom would be able to convince her that the sky was really green or that the Eiffel tower was really situated in Zimbabwe.

"It's not in Zimbabwe," Norah mumbled to herself absently as her mind was racing. She chewed on her lower lip and tried not to cry as Tom's words began to sink in. He seemed so sure about his cause that it was hard not to believe him. Perhaps Tom was right; perhaps she wasn’t making her sister’s life as miserable as she thought.

"What is not in Zimbabwe?" Tom asked in confusion, thrown off guard by Norah's random statement.

"The Eiffel tower," Norah replied as if it was obvious, before looking up at him with watery eyes. "Do you really believe that I might get Sarah to change her mind about sending me away?"

"I'm positive," Tom replied and smiled warmly at her. "Just try to keep a low profile and show her that you can act responsibly and take care of yourself."

Norah half-smiled at his words and rolled her eyes at him. "Of course I can act responsibly, but what's the fun in that?"

Tom shook his head disapprovingly at her, but she could catch a glimpse of amusement in his eyes. "Just do it."

"Fine, I'll try," Norah replied with a sigh.

"No, not try. You _will_ do it," Tom told her in a low voice and gave her a serious look.

Norah stared back at him and began to feel flustered as their eyes locked. She broke eye contact with him and looked down at her hands in his, making sure to hide her blushing face behind her long hair in the process. Once she took notice of how unusually tidy her hair was, Norah recalled Tom untangling it for her in the shower earlier that night. Mentally cursing herself for thinking about that right there and then, Norah began to nervously fumble with her hands, resulting in her squeezing at Tom's hands in a strange way. Once she realised what she was doing, Norah immediately pulled her hands away from his and chewed her lip awkwardly.

"Sorry," she mumbled barely audibly and began to wring her hands the way she usually did when she was anxious or nervous.

"Don't worry about it," Tom assured and reached out to brush the hair away from Norah's face. She shut her eyes as the soft skin of the back of his hand gently came in contact with her cheek in the process. "What is it you're so worried about?" Tom wondered as he neatly placed her hair behind her ears.

"Failing," Norah replied in a whisper after gathering enough courage to look at him again. Could he possibly not notice what effect he had on her? Was it possible that he was as clueless about her feelings for him as he seemed to be? Or was he just acting like he had no idea? A familiar warm feeling spread in her stomach as he smiled assuringly at her. She bit her lip harder, fearing that he would uncover her secret. She would be so embarrassed if he found out, because she was certain that he wasn't looking at her in that way at all. To him she was probably nothing more than Sarah's little sister, immature for her age and someone that needed to be taken care of and watched like an unruly child.

"Don't be afraid of failing," Tom said gently and put a hand on top of hers to stop her from wringing them nervously. "If you get too afraid of failure, you will eventually stop trying anything new and stop taking any chances, and that will just leave you wondering about what could have been."

_'I already do,'_ Norah thought bitterly to herself as she resisted the urge to lean in and kiss him. 'I wonder what we could have been if I would have kissed you any of all those times that I've wanted to. Would you kiss me back? Would you ever be able to love me, the way you love Sarah? What would have happened if I met you first? Could it be possible that you would have fallen in love with me, instead of her?'

"But some chances are just not worth taking," Norah told him and sighed as she thought about how unfortunate she was. Tom looked at her searchingly, as if he was trying to figure out what she was thinking about. It made her even more nervous and she began shaking her leg restlessly.

"I guess you're right," Tom replied after a moment of silence and continued to look at Norah thoughtfully as he automatically put his free hand on top of her knee to stop her from shaking her leg. "And sometimes you just have to go for it," he added ambiguously. Norah stared at him with slightly widened eyes. What did he mean by that? Did he know? Did he just urge her to take a chance on him?

As Norah mentally debated on whether she should or should not kiss him, the bedroom door was opened by an angry-looking Sarah.

"Why is the utility room full of your wet clothes?" Sarah demanded and gave Norah a daunting look. Norah swallowed nervously as she gazed up at her sister who looked surprisingly intimidating.

"Because they were wet?" Norah responded, not willing to come clean about what really had happened. Especially not when Sarah was so angry with her already. "I fell into a pool of water," she added when her original answer just seemed to make her sister even more furious.

"You fell into a pool of water?" Sarah questioned and put her hands on her hips. "How bloody deep of a pool was it to make all of your clothes soaking wet? A swimming pool? And why is there blood on your t-shirt?"

Tom smiled encouragingly at Norah as he stood up. Like the gentleman he was, he offered her his hand and helped her up from her seat on the floor. Without uttering a single word, Tom urged Norah to tell Sarah the truth about what had happen.

"Don't freak out, but I slipped and fell into the water," Norah revealed unwillingly.

"The water?" Sarah repeated slowly, obviously wanting a clarification.

"The sea. I fell into the sea. But as you can see I'm alright, so there's absolutely no need whatsoever for you to freak out about it, right?" Norah uttered hopefully, but braced herself for the scolding that she was almost certain would come.

Sarah paled and for a moment it looked as if she was about to be sick. "You fell into the sea?! In this weather?! It's a bloody rain storm outside! What the hell were you thinking getting that close to the water in the first place?!" Sarah bellowed at Norah and pointed out the window with a trembling hand. Tom wordlessly put an arm around Sarah’s shoulders and it seemed to have an immediate calming effect on her. Her voice was more composed as she continued to tell Norah off. "What do I have to do with you to make you stop acting so recklessly? Did you do it on purpose or are you really that unconcerned about your own safety? Are you really that thoughtless?"

Norah lowered her head in shame and it took a great effort from her to stop herself from escaping the unpleasant situation. "I didn't really think. I was mesmerised by the waves hitting the cliffs by the old lighthouse and I wanted to get a good picture of it to use as a reference for a painting," Norah tried to explain and blushed once she realised that it probably sounded silly and stupid in Sarah’s ears, while it to herself made perfect sense.

"Oh, how poetic of you to risk your life for the sake of art," Sarah stated, her voice dripping with sarcasm. It was obvious that she was not happy with the explanation.

"You didn't tell me that," Tom said and looked at Norah. Momentarily, she was relieved that at least he seemed to believe her.

"Because you were accusing me of trying to kill myself," Norah replied sadly. The more she thought about it, the more upset she became. "As if that old man wouldn’t have told you if it looked like I was doing it on purpose. I bet he forgot to tell you that it was his fault that I fell into the bloody water in the first place when he startled me! I certainly didn't need him to save me, I had it under control the whole time. He was probably just trying to be a hero in order to smoothen over the fact that it was his fucking fault that I almost drowned! His fault! Not mine!"

Tom looked a bit taken aback as Norah yelled at him. He did not like the fact that she was trying to avoid taking responsibility by blaming it all on the fisherman. "You had it under control the whole time?" he asked incredulously. Norah broke eye contact with him as she muttered a defiant 'yes'. "You're lying," Tom stated dryly, quietly wondering why she even bothered trying to lie to him. It was so easy for him to tell whenever Norah was lying to him because she seemed unable to look directly at him whenever she did.

"Okay. Maybe I wasn't in control the whole time. That's just a technicality. It was still his fault that I fell! If you should be angry at anyone, it should be him! Not me!" Norah tried to defend herself, but her defense fell flat.

"It's not a bloody technicality if you had to be saved by someone! It doesn't matter that you think it was his fault that you fell, because you shouldn't have been that close to the water in the first place! What if you would have fallen into the water without him nearby? You would be dead, Norah! Dead! Do you even realize that?" Sarah had a mixture of anger and sadness in her voice as she tried to get through to her little sister. Tom pulled Sarah closer to his lean body to provide her with comfort.

Norah crossed her arms angrily and glared at Sarah. She usually did that when she knew that she had lost a fight. "I..." Norah struggled to fight back the tears of frustration as she was about to admit herself defeated. "You're right and I'm sorry. I won't do it again," she mumbled unwillingly.

"That's right, because you're grounded," Sarah said, causing Norah to look at her in surprise. She had expected her sister to tell her to pack her bags because she would be leaving for the hospital following morning, or something else along those lines, but not this. She felt great relief over the fact that Sarah seemed willing to give her another chance after all. "But if you do something stupid like this again, you know what will happen," Sarah added warningly and walked over to Norah’s desk to gather her laptop, tablet and phone.

"I understand," Norah replied despondently as she watched three of her most valued possessions being taken away from her. "For how long?" she wondered with her eyes glued to the devices.

"It depends. I'll let you know when you're not grounded anymore," Sarah replied with a shrug as she handed over the things to Tom. "Can you please put them somewhere safe?" Sarah asked him with a smile and they exchanged a quick kiss before he left the room.

Norah was taken by surprise when Sarah suddenly wrapped her arms around her. "I'm so glad that you're alright," the older sister whispered as tears began to fill her eyes. "You have to promise me to be more careful. I can't stand the thought of losing you too. That's why I'm being a pain in the arse at times. You know that, right?" Norah nodded wordlessly in response. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Norah replied in a thick voice as she hugged her sister back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	6. "It's my body"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

Following day, Norah found herself even more bored than she had been the day before. This time she didn't even have the opportunity to kill some time by playing video games or surf the web which, despite the unreliable internet connection, was far better than doing nothing. Her body was aching from the fall on the rocks and the effortful swim she had done the previous day. She was tired and greatly annoyed by the fact that Sarah had practically dragged her out of bed that morning for breakfast. After the torturous meal, Norah had gone straight back to bed but was unable to fall asleep. Lacking the lust and energy to find something else to do, she spent hours trying to go back to sleep. When she finally was getting close to succeeding, Tom had opened her bedroom door and informed her that lunch was ready. Clearly, her day had not gotten off to a good start.

"Eat," Tom reminded Norah for the third time since she'd been served her lunch. She continued to poke around her plate for a moment before she replied to his demand.

"I can’t, just look how sad the food is because it doesn't want me to eat it," Norah explained and showed him the image of a sad face that she had created with her food. The eyes consisted of two sunny side up eggs, the nose was a piece of a fried potato and the sad mouth was made out of sliced soy sausage pieces. The image had been framed by neatly placed pieces of fried potatoes.

"Creative," Tom commented with a smile as he studied her creation. "But you're still not being excused from the table until you've finished your meal, dear."

Norah pouted at him in disappointment. She was still full from her breakfast and had no appetite whatsoever. She restlessly kicked her feet back and forth underneath the table as she leered at the manuscript in Tom’s hands. He and Sarah had finished their meals about half an hour earlier. The lunch had been unusually quiet as Sarah had had her nose buried in a research report, Tom had been reading from his manuscript and Norah had been resting her head against the table surface most of the time. Once Sarah was done with her meal, she had immediately gone back to writing on an important essay for her psychopathology course, while Tom had remained seated by the kitchen table, occupied with reading his script.

"I thought you said that this was going to be a vacation, but all you two do is work," Norah pointed out angrily. Tom sighed as he looked at her, neatly placing the papers into a folder placed on the table in front of him. He turned in his seat so that he was facing her and like most times when he sat down, his long legs were distractingly open. A familiar warmth spread in Norah's body as she looked at him and she felt a thrill of excitement run up her spine when Tom leaned slightly forward to show her that she had his full attention. Norah chewed her lip as she tried hard to ignore the strong attraction she felt towards the tall and handsome man in front of her.

"Well, as you already know Sarah's working to a deadline. As soon as she's done with her essay she will be able to spend some more time with us. The more peace and quiet she gets, the sooner she will complete it,” Tom told Norah, who snorted at his statement. He raised an eyebrow and gave her a questioning look as she crossed her arms in discontent.

“Sarah’s a perfectionist. She will sit down with her essay until the very last couple of minutes before deadline even when she doesn’t have to. She’s never fully satisfied with her work. ‘There’s always room for improvement,’ she keeps saying. And there’s always something new for her to freak out about; ‘oh, I’m sorry but I can’t come to the party because I really need to get started on reading the course literature for my next course that haven’t even started yet because I’m so damn ambitious.’ She's always been like that and it annoys the hell out of me,” Norah explained frantically, making her sister sound a lot more pretentious than she actually was. Norah took a deep breath before she bit her lip hard and stared out the window. The sky was covered with clouds shifting in different shades of gray and the ground was still damp from previous rainfall. _‘Why can’t you be more like your sister?’_ She tried to swallow the lump that quickly was forming in her throat and suppress the troublesome thoughts that were threatening to surface by thinking of something neutral. _‘Grey. Grey. Grey.’_

Tom regarded Norah inquiringly for some time before he spoke. “You’ve been wanting to get that out of your system for quite some time now, haven’t you?” he asked and smiled sadly at her. Norah nodded wordlessly in response and kept focusing on staring out the window at a world full of greyness. _‘Grey. Grey. Grey.’_ She repeated the word in her head as if it was a weapon used to fight off the painful thoughts that had somehow been triggered by her angry outburst.

She flinched violently as a hand gently touched her shoulder, snapping her back to reality. Wide-eyed, like a deer caught in the headlights, she stared at Tom with surprise. “Are you alright?” Tom wondered with concern in his eyes. Norah nodded wordlessly and tried to put on a brave face. She feared that if she opened her mouth to speak, she wouldn’t be able to keep herself together any longer. _‘If you keep this up you’ll end up throwing your life away!’_ Norah felt a strong need to get away from him as the painful memories kept invading her thoughts, but decided against it when she felt his grip on her shoulder tighten a little. In attempt to silence the distressing thoughts that only seemed to grow louder and louder by each second, Norah covered her ears and pulled her knees up against her chest so that she could hide her face behind them. She could hear Tom speak to her in a gentle tone, but was unable to discern any of the words. When she tried shutting her eyes for a moment, flashes of memories began to appear. Memories too painful for her to handle.

“Get out of my head!” Norah cried in despair and opened her eyes wide with horror. Her feelings had escalated from mild distress to full-blown panic over the course of a couple of minutes. Engaged in her inner turmoil, Norah didn’t notice that Tom had left the room briefly before he came back with a small bottle of anti-anxiety medication clutched in his hand.

“Take this,” Tom offered collectedly as he took one of the pills out of the plastic bottle. Without hesitation, Norah gratefully accepted the much-needed medication and swallowed it along with the water that was left in her glass. “It’s okay,” Tom assured with a sympathetic look in his eyes and gently embraced Norah’s small frame. Even though she wasn’t as thin as she had been the first time they met, Norah’s body still felt very fragile in his arms, as if she would break if he hugged her too hard. “Come on,” Tom urged and helped the girl out of her seat before leading her out of the kitchen and into the living room.

Norah groaned as her lower back came in contact with the back support of the couch and instinctively brought her hands to cover the aching area. “May I have a look at it?” Tom asked, sitting down next to her. Norah nodded and turned her back towards him as she bit her lip. At the same time as the pain was bothersome, it was a welcome distraction from the thoughts and images that kept reappearing in her head. Tom carefully lifted the bottom of Norah’s shirt, revealing the bruised and scratched area on the small of her back. He leaned forward a bit and squinted in attempt to get a better view. “Would you mind lying down so I can take a closer look? I think we need to disinfect it,” Tom explained as he got up from the couch. Norah shrugged and lied face down on the couch with a heavy sigh. Her thoughts wouldn’t leave her alone. “I’ll be right back,” Tom announced after taking a brief second look on her back.

As she was waiting for Tom to return, Norah desperately began pulling at her hair. The physical pain it caused felt good in comparison to the inner hurt she was experiencing at that moment.

“Norah stop!” Tom snapped and hurried up to her side, grabbing her by the wrists to make her stop pulling her own hair out. “Look!” he demanded and held Norah’s hands up in front of her face. Dozens of long, dark hairs were caught in between her fingers. Hairs that were supposed to be attached to her scalp rather than discarded like waste. Norah looked up at Tom and was taken aback by the harsh look on his face. She felt small under his reproachful glare and lowered her head in shame, burying her face in her arms. Tom sighed deeply as he slumped down on the couch next to her and typed something on his phone. “Look here,” he said, now using a softer tone of voice. Norah looked up to see pictures of people with bald spots on their scalps being displayed on Tom’s phone. “These are pictures of people suffering from trichotillomania. You don’t want to end up like that, now do you?” Tom asked causing Norah to sigh. She felt calmer now that the medicine had begun to take effect.

“I would never let it go that far,” she mumbled in response and pushed his phone away from her face. She supported herself on her elbows with her head in her hands and studied Tom’s facial expression. He was frowning slightly and had a serious look on his face.

“Let’s put this into perspective. The first time you cut yourself, did you think you would wind up with scars all over your forearms?” Tom questioned and Norah sighed.

“I can see your point, but I won’t end up with full blown trichotillomania from just pulling out a few hairs… I think you’re overreacting. I mean, isn’t it better that I pull out some hair rather than hurting myself more severely?” Norah reasoned.

“It would be much better if you stopped hurting yourself altogether. By simply switching method you maintain a self-destructive behaviour instead of fighting it,” Tom replied and got back up from the couch. He pushed out the coffee-table and seated himself on his knees between it and the couch in order to be able to tend to Norah’s back. In one swift movement he rolled up her shirt to get full a full view of her lower back. Tom then proceeded to pull down Norah’s pyjama pants just enough to bare the scratches at the very top of her backside. Norah blushed deeply and tried to ignore the tingling sensation in her spine caused by Tom’s brief touch. She bit her lip hard as she concentrated on fighting back the unwanted, but pleasant tingling that began to spread towards her lower abdomen. She felt let down by her own body’s inappropriate reaction to Tom’s touch as he gently traced the scratches on the small of her back with his fingertips.

“This is going to sting a little,” Tom informed her before he carefully began to dab some disinfectant on the sore area with a wad of cotton. Norah had hoped that the stinging would decrease her embarrassing arousal, but it turned out to have the opposite effect.

“Fuck,” she muttered to herself as the tingling spread to her crotch. Norah shivered a little as she pressed her hips down towards the couch to give herself some sort of relief from her body’s desperate aching for touch. Her intimate area was practically pulsating with lust and she had to fight back the strong urge to reach down and touch herself. 'This is so inappropriate,' Norah thought, deeply embarrassed by her physical reaction.

“I’m almost done,” Tom assured her and Norah felt relieved that he seemed to have interpreted her actions as signs of pain rather than arousal. She couldn’t help but gasp as he reached the top of her backside, the disinfectant stinging a lot more there than it had on her back. She pressed herself down against the couch once more and felt a familiar warmth between her legs. If only he would touch her, it certainly wouldn’t take much effort from him to make her cum. “So what do you say?” Tom asked once he was done tending to her injuries and gingerly pulled her pyjama pants and shirt back in place.

“What?” Norah asked in confusion.

“What are your thoughts on what I said about how you should stop hurting yourself wholly instead of finding new ways to do it?” Tom asked and got up from the floor to once again seat himself on the couch next to Norah. Norah briefly stared at his jean clad crotch before she realized what she was doing and quickly looked up at him, blushing.

“I… I still think you’re making a big deal out of it. It’s none of your business if I choose to handle things a certain way. It makes me feel better... Who are you to tell me that it’s wrong? Just because it’s not socially accepted, doesn’t necessarily mean that it has to be wrong. It’s my body, and I should be able to do with it whatever I want,” Norah blurted out. She was surprised to hear the words leave her own mouth and regretted letting them out once she saw the look on Tom’s face. He looked angry in a calm sort of way, as if he was holding back his rage in order to retain his composure. Even though Norah, for some reason, found angry Tom to be a huge turn on, she didn’t want him to be angry with her.

"I don't believe it makes you feel any better at all. Perhaps temporarily, but definitely not in the long run. I mean, can you remember the last time you comfortably walked around in anything with short sleeves?" Tom wondered. To Norah his words felt like a punch to the guts. The matter he brought up did bother her greatly. She wasn't comfortable showing her arms and probably never would be either since the scars would remain there for the rest of her life. Her eyes began to water as she struggled to pull herself into a sitting position. She found it very hard since the side-effects from the medication caused her to be a lot clumsier than usual and she managed to somehow roll over and fall to the floor. Despite the sharp pain in her back, Norah couldn’t help but smile at her own clumsiness.

"Are you alright?" Tom wondered with concern and immediately came to her aid.

"I'm fine," Norah replied with a smile and leaned against Tom for support as her head began to spin. Now that the medication had begun to kick in she felt a lot more at ease and even a bit giddy.

"What's going on?" Tom asked and looked at her as he helped her sit down on the couch. Norah just grinned goofily as she rested her head against his torso. “Is it the medication? Did I give you too high a dose? Are you okay?” Tom wondered with concern as Norah snuggled into his neck.

“It’s fine, Tom. I’m fine,” Norah mumbled into his neck and shut her eyes. She felt as if nothing could hurt her as long as she remained in his arms. “You smell nice,” she mumbled as she began to drift off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	7. "I yeild! I yeild!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

“Wake up you sleepyhead.” Norah yawned largely and rubbed her tired eyes. She groaned as she felt the smell of cooking and pulled the cozy blanket over her head.

“Leave me alone,” she muttered, but Tom wouldn’t listen. In one swift movement, he removed the blanket from her and looked at her in amusement as she curled into a ball on the couch to maintain some of her warmth.

“It’s time for dinner, dear,” Tom announced, causing the teenager to glare at him.

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I do. You need to eat, so please get up and leave your grumpiness behind,” Tom insisted. He folded the blanket and neatly placed it on the couch’s armrest before he turned back to Norah and looked at her expectantly. Norah bit her lip as she stared at his toned arms crossed over his chest. He was wearing a white, skintight t-shirt that was elegantly showing off his musclebound torso and the afternoon sun shone upon him through the large windows of the living room. Norah couldn’t help but finding herself fascinated by the way the sun burst through the grey, cloudy sky to shine its light upon Tom. If she would have been of more spiritual nature, Norah might have taken the phenomenon as a sign from above, urging her to follow the impulse of simply walking up to him and kiss him. But she didn’t.

“Norah, come on,” Tom urged on, pulling Norah back to reality.

“I’m not hungry,” she replied and sighed, looking away from him. Why did he have to be so painfully attractive?

“As you wish,” Tom murmured and before Norah knew it, he had lifted her up and thrown her over his shoulder. She yelped in surprise and instinctively clung onto him, fearing that she would otherwise dive face first into the floorboards underneath them.

“Fu-uck,” Norah groaned as Tom determinedly walked into the kitchen with her.

“No profanity, please,” Tom admonished her before he let her back down on her feet. Norah felt the urge to deliver a profanity-laden rant only to defy him for talking to her like that, but decided against it when he flashed her a heartwarming smile. So instead of standing up for herself and telling him that she didn’t want to be addressed like a child, the enamoured teenager simply returned his smile and obediently took her seat by the dinner table.

Sarah smiled at the two of them as Tom took his seat next to Norah. The older sister put her books aside so she could focus on dining with them. Norah cursed internally as Sarah and Tom both insisted on being talkative throughout the meal. Norah only half-listened to their dinner conversation while she mostly poked around her food. Eventually, she rested her head in her hand and zoned out.

“Earth to Norah,” Sarah said, waving a hand in front of her little sister’s face.

“Stop that!” Norah said irritably and pushed away her sister’s hand from her face. “What do you want?” she then added with a sigh.

“We were wondering if it is okay by you that Tom has some friends over for the weekend,” Sarah explained. Norah raised an eyebrow.

“You're actually asking for my opinion?” she wondered skeptically. “What if I say ‘no’?”

“Why would you say ‘no’?” Sarah asked, her eyes narrowing a little.

“Because I can,” Norah replied bitterly. “Not that it would matter anyway. Because, let’s face it, you do whatever you like regardless of my opinion.”

“Norah, that’s not true,” Tom interjected. “If you don’t want anyone else to come over, I’ll just call Ben and cancel.” Norah looked at Tom and immediately felt bad for being difficult.

“No, that’s okay. Of course you should have your friends over if you like,” Norah told him and sighed. “I’m just tired that’s all.”

“I appreciate that,” Tom replied with a smile.

They continued to eat and Norah was soon lost in thought again. She absently ate her food, bite after bite, causing Sarah and Tom to stop eating and instead look at her with wonder.

“Are you alright, dear?” Tom finally asked, bringing Norah back to reality. She looked down at her now empty plate and put down the fork as she nodded her head ‘yes’.

“May I be excused?” she wondered, already in the process of getting up. When no one answered right away, Norah got up and proceeded to put her plate and cutlery into the dishwasher.

Sarah's and Tom's eyes met. After a few moments of non-verbal communication with their eyes, Tom gave a barely visible nod and stood up from the table. He held out an arm in front of Norah to stop her from leaving the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks, but kept staring blankly in front of her instead of looking up at Tom to see what's going on.

“Norah? How about you and I go for a little walk? Some fresh air might do you well,” Tom suggested.

“Sure, I guess,” Norah replied absently.

“Good, put these on so you don’t get cold,” Tom said and handed her one of his jumpers along with a rain suit. Norah put on the clothes, even the rain pants without a word of complaint. Usually, she wasn’t a big fan of rain suits since they, in her opinion, were too good at sealing all the elements out, resulting in the person wearing it instead getting wet from sweating rather than the rainfall. “And now these,” Tom added and handed Norah her barely used pair of rain boots. The girl obediently put them on and continued to stare blankly in front of her as Tom proceeded to get himself dressed.

Once they were outside, Tom embraced the sensation of the invigorating drizzle hitting his face. He shut his eyes for a brief moment and took in the fresh smell of rain. When he opened his eyes again, he found that Norah had gone ahead and had almost reached the woods. His proceeded to jog after her and was soon by her side. The sweat was running down his forehead and he found himself knowing exactly what Norah had meant that time she had explained why she hated rain suits so much. When he tried to stop next to her, Tom slipped in the mud, accidently bringing Norah down with him. Norah blinked and looked at him.

“And that’s why rain boots suck. They make you clumsier than you usually are,” Norah told Tom as he sat up, supporting himself on his hands. Tom smiled at her as he wiped the mud off his hands and onto his rain pants.

“I’m sorry about that,” Tom apologized with an embarrassed smile and offered her his hand to help her sit up. Norah accepted it and studied Tom’s face. He was frowning slightly as he looked at her hair. “I’m sorry, it appears you got some mud in your hair.”

Norah held back a smile as she picked up some mud and daubed some on the side of Tom’s face and into his charmingly curly locks of hair. “Then I guess that makes us even,” she explained and bit her lip to suppress the laughter that was building up inside of her. She couldn’t hold it in any longer when she saw the surprised look on Tom’s face.

The sound of Norah’s crackling laughter made Tom smile internally as he tried to keep a straight face outwardly. “That was uncalled for,” he said in a serious voice and tried to look strict as he gathered a handful of mud behind his back. Norah raised her eyebrows at him and continued to laugh at him. Tom shook his head at her and sighed. “You should know better than to mess with someone that is twice your size,” he muttered and a wide menacing grin spread across his face as he wiped a thick layer of mud off on Norah's cheek and chin.

“Oh, it's on!” the girl exclaimed and dipped both her hands down into the puddle of mud, preparing for battle.

“Norah, no-ummpf!” Tom uttered in a vain attempt to stop the oncoming attack. Before he knew it, he was back down flat on his back and too soon his face had been viciously covered with a mud mask.

“Ha!” Norah exclaimed. “That’s what you get for messing with m-ahh!” Tom quickly grabbed her and rolled over so that the roles were reversed. Now he was on top, pinning her down. “Nooo! I yield! I yield!” Norah yelled dramatically in defeat. She smiled and looked at Tom’s thin lips, so close to her own. If they would have been dating, it would have a perfect moment for them to kiss. Her thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of cold, sticky mud being smeared onto the clean side of her face. She gasped and glared at Tom as he laughed heartily at her reaction.

“Can we call a truce?” Tom wondered and got up on his feet before he proceeded to help Norah get up from the ground.

“Sure,” Norah replied and smiled. She couldn’t possibly stay annoyed with him for not kissing her when he was smiling so sweetly at her with mud covering most of his face. He looked so incredibly adorable and ridiculous at the same time. Norah wanted so badly to kiss him despite the fact that he had gotten some mud on his lower lip. But she resisted the strong urge and they began heading back to the house.

“I’m guessing Sarah won’t be too happy about this,” Tom mused and looked over their dirt covered rain clothes.

“We’ll just tell her we found a spa,” Norah said breezily, making him laugh.

Back at the house, Tom offered to take their rain suits to the utility room while Norah took a shower. Sarah was nowhere to be seen, so they both assumed that she had most likely gone back to writing on her essay in the small study.

Norah let the warm water just rinse through her hair and over her naked body for a long time before she proceeded to use any soap or shampoo. She lost track of time and just stood there in the shower, lost in thought as the water gradually became colder.

“Norah, are you alright in there?” Tom wondered from the other side of the bathroom door. Norah blinked and looked up towards the door.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she replied urgently as she turned off the water and fumbled with a towel. She wrapped it tightly around her body before she proceeded to open the door.

“I didn’t mean to rush you, but you’ve been in here for over an hour,” Tom explained and stepped to the side to let her out. He had washed his face, but still had some dried mud stuck in his hair.

“I, umm, lost track of time,” Norah explained awkwardly.

“That’s alright,” Tom assured her. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Well, I am,” Norah replied and walked past him.

Norah went straight to her bedroom and tossed on some clothes before lying down on the bed. She stared at the white ceiling and sighed heavily. No matter how much she tried to think of something else the same thoughts kept coming back. Memories, that had been in hibernation for years, were now insisting on making themselves heard.

_'You always listen to what they have to say, but you never want to hear my side of the story!' Tears ran down twelve year old Norah's face as she looked accusingly at her mother who was standing by the door, car keys in hand, ready to leave the house._

_'We'll talk more about this in the morning. I really need to go now. Your father has called me twice already. Sarah will be with you shortly. Be good.' Norah didn’t get a chance to protest because before she knew it, her stressed out mother had left._

Norah covered her face with her hands in despair. There was a soft knock on the door right before someone opened it. She heard Tom’s gentle voice utter her name and removed her hands from her face to look at him. She was mesmerized by the way small drops of water fell from his hair, only to be absorbed by the fabric of his t-shirt. It seemed like he had left the shower in a hurry, not bothering to at least try to dry his hair with a towel.

“You forgot to tell me that we’re out of hot water,” he smiled and slumped down on her bed. Norah tried to return his smile, but couldn’t seem to be able to bring the corners of her mouth upwards. Tom's smile faltered a little and he sighed as he looked searchingly at her. "What's weighing you down?" he wondered with a concerned frown.

“Nothing,” Norah replied. “I’m fine.” She sighed heavily when Tom shook his head at her. Of course he didn’t believe her.

“Why won’t you tell me?” he asked.

“Because it was my fault,” Norah said in a low voice, nearly a whisper. Tom moved a bit closer to hear her better.

“What was?” he wondered.

“It was my fault they died.”

“Who?” Tom asked and frowned as he tried to figure out what she meant. “Your parents? That was an accident. How can you possibly think it was your fault?”

“Because I’m the reason they were late. Mom was stressed out and I kept her from leaving,” Norah explained ruefully. The tremendous guilt she felt made her stomach turn. “She never would have crashed the car into that truck if she hadn’t been upset. She was a good driver. They never would have died if it wasn’t for me. I killed them. I killed my own parents, Tom. I remember that now,” she continued and gave him an agonized look.

“No,” Tom said and shook his head at her. He took one of her hands in his and gave it a squeeze. “Listen to me, Norah. It wasn’t your fault. You can’t think of it like that. You can’t blame yourself for something that was completely out of your control. It was a horrible accident, not something you caused. Do you hear me? It was not your fault.”

Norah shook her head at him and felt warm tears roll down her cheeks. Her vision was a bit blurred as she looked at his serious, concerned face. “Then why do I feel so guilty?” she questioned in a shaky voice.

“It’s normal to feel guilt when someone you love die… You tend to blame yourself for things you did or did not do… and you think things like _‘what if I would have done this?’_ or ‘ _if only I would have done that’._ It’s normal, and it’s okay to feel like that. But you need to understand that just because you feel guilty, doesn’t mean that it was your fault,” Tom told her in a soothing voice. Norah looked up at him with wonder in her watery eyes. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks and she sobbed.

Tom leaned down, placing one arm under Norah’s knees and the other one behind her back before he lifted her up into his embrace. He sat down in the armchair by the window and held her close as she cried her heart out into his chest. He sat there in silence and continued to hold her, even after she had stopped crying and fallen asleep from exhaustion. He looked out through the window and squinted as he tried to discern the moon through all the clouds covering the night sky. It took some time, but eventually his gaze found a white light breaking through the thick barrier of clouds. The light was very weak, but nevertheless, it was there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	8. Completely unaware

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and talk about suicide. It also deals with the subject of grief. So if you are having a hard time and think that stories of this sort might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck.

Another cold and rainy day came to a start. The house was ice cold and Norah was curled up under a blanket in the couch, watching closely as Tom hunkered down in front of the fireplace to start a fire in it. She chewed her lip as she took in the sight of the dark fabric of Tom's jeans tighten against his shapely butt. She loved sneaking a peak of any part of that glorious body whenever she had the chance. As if he had felt her stare, Tom glanced over his shoulder in Norah's direction and she quickly hid her face behind the book he had lent her. Her heart was racing and she swallowed nervously as she stared blindly at the words printed on the pages in front of her. She cursed herself for being so indiscreet and listened closely as Tom continued working on the fire, but she didn’t look out of fear of getting caught checking him out again. This time he must have noticed, Norah thought, he was probably just too nice to confront her about it. Being the nice person that he was, he wouldn’t want to make her feel awkward. She tried to focus on the novel's plot, but all she could think of was Tom and she kept wondering what he was thinking. He must have figured out that she had a crush on him by now. But then again, his remarkable humbleness might have had him write off all those incidents as something entirely different.

"There," Tom announced after a few minutes and stood up, casually brushing some dirt off his jeans. "That ought to heat up at least this room."

Norah looked up from her book and smiled at him. She was a about to make a pun about how his presence alone would be enough to heat up any room, but decided against it as she decided it was probably too obvious. "Good," she simply said, trying to sound casual. She had butterflies in her stomach and they went berserk when Tom smiled back at her and walked over to slump down on the opposite end of the couch.

"Do you mind sharing?" he wondered, tentatively pulling at the blanket.

"Be my guest," Norah replied.

"Ta." A warm, tingling sensation spread in her lower abdomen when Tom's long legs brushed against the side of her body as he stretched out on the couch under the blanket. She pulled her legs up a bit further under the shared blanket, rising a wall in front of her face so that Tom wouldn't be able to see her.

She listened closely as Tom picked up his manuscript from the table and began to turn its pages. Norah's entire body was tense and she could feel the increased blood flow to her genital area, making it swell and pulsate, aching to be touched. She tried to keep her breathing pace slow and focus on the book, but it was pointless. Biting her lip hard to stop herself from making any noise to attract Tom's attention, Norah slowly moved her hand down under the blanket and her sweatpants to touch herself through her panties. She was aroused to the point that she almost wouldn't care if Tom caught her masturbating. In fact, the thought of it turned her on even more and she decided to keep thinking about it as she added some more pressure to the sensitive areas.

Norah fondled her swollen clitoris with her thumb and pressed her fingers hard against the entrance of her wet vagina. She continued to rub herself for a little while until she couldn't take it anymore. She moved her soaked panties to the side in one swift motion and pushed three fingers into her warm, swollen vagina. She fingered herself as she fantasized about Tom, who was completely unaware of what was going on underneath the blanket and simply kept reading the papers in his hands.

There were so many things that Norah wanted Tom to do with her that it was hard for her to choose which one to fantasize about this time. She built up a scenario in her mind of what she hoped he would do if he would have caught her right there and then masturbating in the couch. She imagined that initially, he would be shocked and once it had begun to sink in he would get upset with her. And when she would refuse to stop touching herself despite the fact that he was obviously seeing her doing it, he would get furious with her. His jaw would tighten and his gaze harden as he’d look at her reproachfully. He would speak to her in that strict tone he sometimes used with her, ordering her to get up from the couch. When she would refuse to comply, Tom would get up and pull her up himself. He would keep a firm grip around her upper arms as he would sit himself back down on the sofa and make her lie face down across his lap. He would hold her down with one hand between her shoulder blades and pull down her pants and underwear with the other. Then he would proceed to firmly spank her bare bottom with his free hand, making it hurt in just the right way. She would accidentally let a soft moan escape her lips, causing Tom to spank her harder and admonish her for enjoying the punishment. He would call her a dirty little minx and tell her that he would make sure to teach her a lesson she would never forget. With that, he would let her back up and drag her with him into the kitchen, and she would have to kick her pants and panties off her ankles to be able to keep up with him. In the kitchen he would take out a wooden spoon before making her bend over the kitchen counter, pressing her cheek down against it and from the corner of her eye, Norah would be able to see him raise the wooden spoon high behind her back. She would have the time to cringe before he finally brought it down with surprising force against her already sore buttocks. She would cry out in pain and tell him that she was sorry, but he would just keep going until she stopped resisting and begin to sob meekly into the kitchen counter. He would then ask her if she had learned her lesson and she would tell him that she had. Then he would tell her to be a good girl and stay perfectly still as he walked up behind her, running his big, strong hands down the front of her body. She would gasp as his long, slender fingers would enter her soaking wet vagina and his finger-fucking alone would be enough to make her orgasm. He would pull his fingers out and hold them up in front of her face, ordering her to clean them for him. Without hesitation, she would oblige to sucking her own juices from his fingers and he would tell her that if she behaved he would consider rewarding her. It was heavily implied that the reward would include his hard cock, which he pressed against her ass through his jeans.

"Fuck," Norah moaned as she felt her vagina retract around her fingers in a powerful orgasm.

"Pardon?" Tom said and peeked at her over the barrier between them consisting of the blanket and her legs that were now trembling as a result of her orgasm. Norah immediately pulled her fingers back out from her still contracting vagina and wiped them off against the inside of her sweatpants. Her mouth fell open as she stared at Tom and took a few shaky breaths as she continued to orgasm, her mind was momentarily blank.

"What?" Norah said somewhat flustered when Tom continued to look at her expectantly.

"You said something," he explained and Norah felt the heat spread across her cheeks as her mind raced, trying to come up with a good explanation as to why she would suddenly moan the word 'fuck'.

"Oh... Right... I said 'fuck' because I accidentally swallowed my last chewing gum," Norah lied, speaking slowly since she came up with the words as she spoke and tried to hide her nervousness. She instantly pulled her hand out of her pants once she realized it was still in there, resting against her pelvis.

"Would you like one of mine?" Tom offered, still looking at Norah who was staring at something under the blanket, adopting an exasperated look on her face. "Norah?" The girl looked up at him with a frown.

"What?" she asked, putting her sticky, bloody fingers into her pocket and tried to hide the disgust she felt with herself at that moment.

"Is something wrong?" Tom wondered with a slight frown as he continued to look at Norah.

"No," Norah said dismissively and got out of the couch. "I'll be upstairs," she muttered on her way out of the living room.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Norah groaned as she angrily washed the blood from her panties in the bathroom sink. No wonder her stomach had been aching lately. It had almost been two years since she stopped having her period and she hadn't missed it one bit. Now that it was back she was devastated. She angrily put her cleaned panties to dry on the tubing between the wall and the bathtub so they wouldn’t be in plain sight.

Tears rolled uncontrollably down her cheeks as she cleaned herself up and changed into a clean pair of panties and sweatpants. She looked around the bathroom for some sanitary protection, but didn't find anything so she put some toilet paper in her underwear for temporary protection. She certainly didn't want to ask Sarah for tampons, mostly out fear that she would figure out that Norah had been lying to her all this time. Just the other week Norah had pretended to be on her period to keep Sarah from getting suspicious.

"Damn," Norah muttered to herself as she decided that she would simply have to go to the small shop near the quay. Since she was grounded and most certainly didn't want to tell Tom about her problem, she now had to sneak out of the house.

Norah put some pillows under the blankets in her bed before she grabbed her wallet and put on a pair of slippers. She leanly climbed out of her bedroom window and onto the small roof on top of the extended entry hall. She jumped off it and landed heavily in damp grass below her window. She breathed in sharply at the pain that spread from her feet up to her lower back. The ground was soft and the heavy impact had caused Norah to sink down a little into the mud. Once she had recovered from the wave of pain washing over her she tried to leave, realising that her slippers were stuck in the mud. With a frustrated groan, Norah pulled her feet out of her slippers and proceeded to walk towards the quay with nothing but a pair of wet, formerly white socks on her feet.

The very unwelcome and inconvenient arrival of her period was a huge setback and she furiously asked herself why she had let Tom have such big influence on her. If it hadn't been for him, she would still be thin enough to not have her period. At that moment she felt like such a failure. Like she was useless, disgusting and fat for not being strong enough to resist Tom’s pleas. Her eyes narrowed as she thought of it. He had ruined everything. He had made her lose track of her goal with his stupid soulful eyes, brilliant smile, adorable locks of hair and ridiculously attractive body. She wanted to hate everything about him, but couldn’t bring herself to do so, so she settled for being royally pissed off at him.

Norah irritably paced around the little shop in search for some tampons, but failed to find any.

“Excuse me, Miss. Can I help you find something?” Norah jumped at the sound of an unfamiliar man’s voice. She spun around to look at him with narrowed eyes.

“Where are the fucking tampons?” she snapped at the stranger. The man’s crystal blue eyes widened slightly as he stared at her.

“Well, they are right here,” he said with a breezy smile and stretched out his arm just above her head, taking a box of tampons from the shelf. His arm briefly brushed against Norah’s hair on the way back down and the touch sent a shiver down her spine. She stared at him in silence as she accepted the box he held out towards her. The shiver she had felt lingered pleasantly in her spine and before she knew it, she caught herself smiling at him. “Is there anything else I can help you find?” the stranger wondered and Norah blushed.

“I guess I could use some painkillers,” she mumbled and forced herself to stop smiling goofily at the rather attractive looking man standing before her. There was something familiar about him, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was. The man nodded at her, went behind the counter and placed three different boxes of painkillers in front of her to choose from. He casually leaned forward against the counter and looked at her.

“Excellent choice,” he commented with a smile once she had picked a box. “Would you like something else? Perhaps a pair of shoes,” he added and glanced down at the dirty socks on Norah’s feet.

“I’m good,” Norah replied with an embarrassed smile and paid him. Her feet were ice cold and hurt a whole lot, but the stranger had somehow made her forget about it until that moment. “Bye,” she called over her shoulder and left the store, shoving down one box in each pocket of her oversized sweatpants.

“Bye.” She smiled at the sound of his voice as the door closed behind her. But once she started her walk back towards the house, she felt herself getting back to her former state of mind. The dull ache in her midsection certainly did a good job disheartening her. Her anger increased substantially as the house came within sight and she stopped dead in her tracks, suddenly feeling very reluctant to go back to Sarah and Tom. She spun around and began heading back towards the quay. She glared angrily in front of her and quickened her pace as she approached the shore line. An overwhelming urge to hurt herself washed over her as she thought about how her stupid weakness for Tom had made her dance after his pipe. She felt so foolish for hoping that he would ever look at her the way she wanted; that he would ever see her as his object of affection.

“I am such a fucking idiot!” Norah groaned and sauntered along the stone shore line. She was freezing, but her unwillingness to get back to the house was a huge motivator to keep her going. She stepped on a broken seashell that was jammed stuck in between two stones and cursed. After sitting down, she ripped off her sock to have a look at the cut. The cut itself didn’t look too bad, but her feet were ice cold and now that she had stopped walking, she began to feel how badly they hurt. She sighed and irritably discarded both her socks before getting back up. She slowly began to walk back towards the quay with a slight limp. She knew that she would eventually have to head back to the house and face Tom, and the thought of him made her feel so pathetic.

‘Who am I kidding? Of course he doesn’t really care about me, he just acts like it for Sarah’s sake. He must think that I’m such a pathetic idiot,’ Norah told herself and slumped down on a rock. A coconut-sized stone caught her eye and she picked it up, weighing it in her hand. “I’ll show him,” she muttered and placed her left hand on the rock. “I’ll fucking show him!” In a moment of rage she slammed the stone down on her hand. She dropped the stone and a shriek escaped her lungs as she felt the throbbing pain in her hand. As she watched the back of her hand turn blue and swell up she deeply regretted her overhasty action. Her heart was racing, pumping adrenaline through her system and she took a couple of deep breath to compose herself as she held her injured hand up against her chest.

“Hey! Are you okay?” Norah flinched and snapped her head up in the direction the voice had come from. She smiled a little as she saw the store clerk from earlier jog towards her. She found herself at a loss for words when he finally reached her. “I’m not a doctor, but that doesn’t look too good,” he commented as he stared at Norah’s injured hand. Norah’s smile faded once she realized that he might have seen her doing this to herself.

“Did you see…” she began to say, but interrupted herself and blushed. She couldn’t exactly ask him if he had seen her smash her own hand with a stone. In case he hadn’t seen it, she didn’t want him to find out. He seemed nice and she didn’t want to make an even worse impression on him than she already had.

“I did. But don’t worry about it,” he assured her and took something out of his pocket. “You dropped this in the store,” he said and handed Norah her wallet.

“Thank you,” she smiled shyly at him and shoved her wallet into one of the deep pockets of her sweat pants. He smiled back at her and she felt her blush deepen as she looked at him. He looked like he was in his mid-twenties and he had blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and a little bit of stubble. ‘He reminds me a bit of Kurt Cobain,’ Norah thought to herself, happy to figure out what about him she had found to be so familiar earlier.

“You must be freezing,” he commented as he began to take his raincoat and sweater off. “Here,” he offered, handing her his sweater.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” Norah said, flattered by his chivalry.

“I insist.”

“Thank you,” Norah smiled and began to take her own sweater off since it was soaked from the rain. She quickly replaced it with his dry and warm sweater, but noticed him looking at her scarred arms during the short time they were exposed. She bit her lip and looked down at her bare feet in shame. She hadn’t wanted him to see that. He must be thinking that she was a nutcase, which she perhaps was, but she didn’t want him to know about it.

“Hey, chin up,” he said and held out his own bare forearms for her to see. “I’m definitely not the one to judge.” Norah stared at the circle shaped scarring on his arms and her mouth fell slightly open in surprise. It was deeply moving that this stranger was opening up to her about something so private to make her feel better about herself. She reached out to gently run her hand over his whitened syringe scars before she looked up at him again.

“How long have you been clean?” she wondered, her eyes filled with emotion.

“Four years,” he replied and gave her a gentle smile. “Don’t feel ashamed about your scars. You are still beautiful and people who can’t see that is simply not worth your time.”

“Thank you,” Norah said with a smile. “I really needed to hear that.”

“I’m Joe, by the way,” the Kurt Cobain lookalike introduced himself.

“Norah,” she replied and shook his hand.

“Would you like to come back with me to get you warm and have a closer look at that hand?” Joe wondered. Norah nodded and got up from the rock. When Joe noticed her limping he offered to carry her, but she declined his offer out of embarrassment.

They got back to the shop and Norah was introduced to Joe’s niece Riko who was lazily sitting behind the counter playing Hearthstone on her tablet.

“Can I get back to my computer now?” the girl asked hopefully.

“Not yet,” Joe replied and showed Norah upstairs to the living area on top of the shop.

“This is child labour. I should report you to the police,” Riko called after him, causing Norah to laugh.

The living area was compact, but had a very homey feel to it. It consisted of a kitchenette, a living room/dining room with a fireplace, two small bedrooms and a walk-in closet that had been turned into a bedroom for Joe to stay in. While Joe nursed Norah’s hand, they talked. She was so glad that he was so open towards her and she kept asking him questions about his life, wanting to know everything about him. She absorbed the information like a sponge and didn’t ever want to leave. He spoke so vividly about his past life experiences that Norah completely lost track of time. It wasn’t until Riko came upstairs to tell her uncle that she was hungry, Norah realized that she had to get back to the house if she didn’t want Tom to come looking for her.

Joe offered to lend her a pair of shoes, but she kindly declined his offer and hurried back to the house, jogging through the rain. The bandage wrapped around her foot came off just as she reached the front door. She bent down to pick in up just as the door opened from the inside, resulting in her banging her head in it.

“Fuck,” she muttered and clutched the side of her head.

“Are you okay?” Tom wondered with concern and frowned as he noticed the bandage wrapped around her left hand. “What happened to your hand?”

“Nothing,” Norah muttered sourly and pushed past him.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” Tom called after her, but she stubbornly ignored him and proceeded to go upstairs.

She lied down on her bed and wrapped the blankets around her cold body. Tom tried to talk to her, but she flatly ignored him. She didn’t want to talk to him, because she knew that if she did, she would most certainly end up forgiving him. And that was the last thing she wanted to do at that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. If you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	9. “A bit cheeky, are we?”

Norah dragged her feet as she walked downstairs to greet Tom's friends. She didn’t really want to go with them to the tavern for dinner, but Tom had been very persistent. The reason behind the whole thing was to give Sarah some study peace the last few hours before the deadline of a major essay. Norah had agreed to come after Tom had promised her that he wouldn’t tell Sarah anything about the events of the past two days. Since Sarah had been so completely focused on her studying, she had failed to notice that the atmosphere in the house had changed and that there was an ongoing battle of wills. Norah had been really unpleasant towards Tom and she had barely eaten anything, no matter how much he had tried to reason with her. Something must have happened to make Norah change back to her old, unapproachable self and Tom couldn’t for the life of him figure out what.

"Norah," Tom sighed upon seeing her. "Do you really have to wear sweatpants to the restaurant?"

Norah shot him an angry glare in response. The moment she laid her eyes on the man standing next to Tom, her mouth fell open with surprise. The man in question adopted an amused look on his face as his eyes met hers. Norah found herself blushing as Benedict Cumberbatch held his hand out to greet her.

"Ben," he said with a brilliant smile as they shook hands.

"Sherlock," Norah blurted out awkwardly and felt so embarrassed that she wished she could just sink through the floor right there and then. "I... I meant to say Norah. My name is Norah... and I think your portrayal of Sherlock Holmes is brilliant," she added quickly, trying to save face.

"No worries. And thank you. That makes me really glad to hear," Benedict replied understandingly and seemed genuinely gladdened by her commendation of one of his performances. Norah felt relieved that he was so nice about it and turned to greet Tom's other guest; a dark haired woman in her late thirties with blue eyes whose depth and colour reminded her of the sea.

"I'm Sophie, Ben's fiancée," the woman introduced herself with a pleasant smile.

"Pleased to meet you," Norah smiled, deciding that she shouldn't take out her anger towards Tom on his guests.

"Likewise."

Tom gave Norah a look of approval as she excused herself and went upstairs to change into something better suited for a restaurant visit. She pulled on a pair of stretch jeans and sighed sadly as she looked at herself in the mirror. The jeans were tighter than they had once been and as if the weight gain alone wasn’t enough, she was also a bit bloated now that she was on her period. Her despondency soon turned into determination to change what she wasn’t happy about and anger towards Tom for distracting her from chasing her goal.

When she was done getting changed and was about to head back downstairs, Norah nearly collided with Sarah, who was heading back upstairs to get back to writing her essay.

"Hello there, Sherlock," Sarah teased, causing Norah to blush.

"Thanks for the heads up," Norah muttered and pouted at her sister.

"I seriously thought you knew that Tom was friends with Benedict," Sarah said and laughed.

"Well, that I knew, but I didn't know he referred to him as 'Ben'," Norah explained and rolled her eyes.

"Well, now you know. You're going to have a nice evening, Ben and Sophie are such a delight to be around," Sarah promised with a warm smile.

"Unlike yourself," Norah teased and stuck out her tongue at her sister.

"Go now, before I decide to beat you up for saying that," Sarah said and held up her balled fists in front of her face like a boxer.

"I'd most certainly knock you out in the first round," Norah called after her and proceeded to go back downstairs.

"In your dreams!" Sarah called back before closing the door to the study behind her.

Norah felt a bit lighter at heart now that she wasn’t alone with Tom anymore and even looked forward to visiting the tavern, seeing as it would be a nice change from being stuck under the same roof all day.

The four of them entered the tavern and Norah was happily surprised to see Riko sitting by one of the tables just inside the door, playing on her tablet. She had her back towards them and seemed to be too focused on her game to notice them. Norah peeked over Riko's shoulder at the game board.

"I think you have lethal," Norah said after a quick mental calculation. Riko flinched and looked up at her with a wide smile. She proceeded to play her cards and attack the enemy hero, winning the game before she turned her attention back to Norah. "Whoah, you're rank six!" Norah exclaimed, clearly impressed by the girl’s achievement.

"I reached legend rank once," Riko said proudly, seemingly very happy to finally have someone to talk to about the online card game.

"That's impressive," Norah praised, causing the other girl's smile to widen and her dark brown eyes to light up with joy.

"I take it you play?" Riko wondered and leaned her head to the side, looking a bit shy all of a sudden.

"Yeah, but I'm not really good at it," Norah replied modestly.

"If you give me your battletag, perhaps we could play some time?" Riko suggested hopefully.

"Of course," Norah smiled and gave Riko the information she needed to be able to add her as a friend. "I've lost my phone, in case you wonder why I'm not online. I'll log on as soon as I find it," Norah promised, not wanting to tell her new friend that she had lost her phone and computer privileges due to the fact that she was grounded.

Norah looked up to see that Tom and the others had gone ahead and seated themselves around a table on the opposite side of the tavern. "I'll see you later," she told Riko with a smile before she walked across the room to join the others at the table. Tom got up from his chair to let her by, motioning for her to take the seat next to him, the one closest to the window. Norah sighed and shot him a glare, but obliged, not wanting to make a scene. She hated how Tom was obviously using Benedict and Sophie’s presence against her in order to make her do as he wanted.

“Have you made a new friend?” he asked Norah as she opened her menu.

“Yep,” Norah replied shortly, pretending to read the menu. She didn’t want to talk to him, but she couldn’t really flat out ignore him now that they were amongst other people. She needed to stay angry with him and not let him reason with her, because it was his reasoning and persuasive ways that had ruined it for her in the first place. She didn’t care that she was pursuing an unhealthy ideal, she wanted to feel comfortable in her own skin and as it was now, she didn’t. And it was his fault.

“What’s her name?” Tom wondered. Norah’s jaw tightened as she struggled to not let it show how annoying she found Tom’s attempts to make smalltalk. While she could be straight out rude to him, Tom insisted on trying his hardest to maintain his courteous manners. It annoyed Norah greatly, because it made her feel like he was trying to be the bigger person by not succumbing to Norah’s contentious behaviour.

“Riko,” Norah muttered in response and leered at him. She felt a sting of bad consciousness as she saw a glimpse of hurt in his eyes. She was about to say something to make him feel better, but stopped herself in the last moment. She tried to justify her actions by telling herself that Tom was only trying to manipulate her in order to get what he wanted.

“So, Norah. How old are you?” Benedict asked, politely trying to make conversation. Norah blushed a little and chewed her lip thoughtfully as she tried to come up with something to avoid answering the question. She didn’t really want to tell him that she was only seventeen, because she wanted him to view her as an adult rather than a teenager.

“I’m as old as you want me to be,” she replied boldly, mentally slapping herself for using a pick-up line on Benedict when his fiancée was sitting right there next to him. He laughed heartily at her reply and Sophie smiled charitably at her. Norah saw from the corner of her eye how Tom stared at her, seemingly appalled by her words. It never ceased to amuse her how easily dismayed Tom could be at times.

“A bit cheeky, are we?” Benedict replied with a grin and Norah smiled back at him, a delicate blush spreading across her cheeks. Even if she had just made a fool of herself, she had at least managed to dodge the question.

A waitress in her mid-forties came up to them to take their orders. Norah ordered a greek salad, mostly as an act of rebellion against Tom since he had specifically asked her not to order a salad. She felt victorious as she sat back in her seat, thinking of the salad as a giant ‘fuck you’ to Tom and his stupid rules.

“Since you’re insisting on having a salad, can you please at least eat it?” Tom asked Norah discreetly as Benedict got up from his seat to let Sophie past him. Sophie covered her mouth with her hand as if she was about to be sick, earning a concerned look from Tom.

“Is she alright?” Tom wondered and Benedict nodded, smiling brightly. The two men looked at each other for a few moments, seemingly exchanging non-verbal information with each other. “She’s expecting?!” Tom finally exclaimed and Benedict nodded. “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!”

Norah raised an eyebrow, watching as Tom and Benedict hugged. “Gratz,” she mumbled as Benedict took Sophie’s seat by the window on opposite side of the table.

“Thank you, darling,” Benedict smiled and switched his glass with Sophie’s. “Just in case it happens again,” he explained his switching of seats. Norah smiled at him, beginning to feel more at ease in his company.

Sophie eventually came back from the bathroom and not long after that, the waitress arrived with their food. The others began to eat while Norah just poked around her food in ordinary fashion. She stared at her salad and didn’t really pay attention to the others’ dinner conversation. Having barely eaten anything at all for the last two days, she was really hungry. But she told herself that she had to resist the urge to try to still her hunger. If she wanted to repair the damage that had been made to her cause, she felt like she couldn’t eat anything at all, not even a salad.

Norah soon began to feel restless and bored being stuck in her seat and proceeded to swing her legs back and forth under her chair, only to have something to do. “Oops,” she burst out when she accidently kicked Benedict on the small of his leg. He looked up at her and just smiled as he kicked her back in a playful manner. Norah smiled as she thought about how Benedict’s presence alone seemed to have a positive effect on her mood.

"Please, Norah. Eat something." Tom had leaned in towards Norah and whispered his plea in her ear. She looked up to realize that the others had finished their meals and the waitress was in the process of removing their plates from the table. Tom was so close to Norah that she could feel his hot breath against her ear and smell his cologne. She bit her lip hard as she tried to suppress the intense lust Tom’s physical closeness and pleasant scent alone had awoken within her. Her body didn’t seem to care one bit about the fact that she was upset with him.

"I'm not hungry," she muttered in response and turned away from him. Right then her stomach decided to betray her by rumbling loudly. Norah sighed and rested her forehead against the cold window pane.

"Norah, we're at a restaurant," Tom reminded her in a low voice so Benedict and Sophie wouldn't hear him.

"So?" Norah questioned irritably. He made her feel so sexually frustrated that she would be ready to have sex him right there and then in front of all those people if he would have initiated it. Which, of course, he didn’t do.

"So, you're leaving marks on the window," Tom explained and pointed at the condensed spot on the window where Norah had just exhaled.

"It's just condensation," she pointed out bitterly and glared at him as she reluctantly sat back in her chair. She began balancing on her chair and crossed her arms over her chest to let Tom know that she wouldn't take a single bite from her salad no matter how much he begged her.

"Suit yourself," Tom sighed before he motioned to the waitress that she could remove Norah's plate from the table. He had hoped that Norah would at least take a few bites for appearances’ sake, but she flatly refused.

"Was there something wrong with the salad?" the waitress wondered as she added Norah’s plate to the stack resting on her left arm. When Norah didn't answer right away, Tom nudged her arm. Before she could stop herself, she nudged him right back, putting a considerable amount of force behind it. Tom didn’t say anything, just moved a bit further away from her.

"No. Not at all. I just wasn't hungry, that's all," Norah assured the waitress who flashed her a professional smile.

When Norah turned to look out the window, Benedict kicked her under the table. She flinched in surprise and leaned her chair back a bit too far, tipping it over. As she was lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling in shock, Norah could hear Benedict burst into laughter. "I'm sorry. This is so inappropriate of me to laugh at... But it just... looked so funny," Benedict apologized while still laughing. Norah smiled, amused by Benedict's unexpected fit of laughter as she got her chair back up and slumped down in it.

"Norah, how many times do I have to tell you? We're at a restaurant," Tom admonished her, no longer caring that Benedict and Sophie could hear him.

"But it was his fault! He tipped it over!" Norah defended herself and pointed accusingly at Benedict.

“Take some responsibility for your own actions, would you?” Tom asked irritably. It seemed like he was finally just about to reach his breaking point.

“Actually, Tom. I did in fact startle her by kicking her leg,” Benedict said truthfully, with an apologetic smile. "So I guess I'm mostly to blame for the incident. I'm sorry. From now on I'll behave myself." Benedict’s words seemed to be exactly what Tom needed to be able to regain his composure and lighten up his mood.

"You better behave, young man. Or you'll be sorry," Tom admonished his dear friend, adopting a surprisingly convincing paternal tone of voice.

"Yes, Daddy. I'll be good," Benedict promised in a child-like voice. Norah and Sophie shared a look of amusement at the two mens’ spontaneous roleplay. What had just been said set off those unwelcome butterflies in Norah's midsection and she mentally slapped herself as the term _‘HiddlesBatch’_ spontaneously popped up in her head.

“Oh, God no...” she mumbled to herself and desperately tried to stifle the mind intrusion of a depiction of Tom sexually dominating Benedict. She didn't like how she found the mental image oddly exciting and was very keen on deleting it before it had the chance to expand any further.

“What?” Benedict asked. The glimpse of amusement in his eyes told her that he probably had a pretty good idea about the nature of her thoughts, which made her feel deeply embarrassed.

“Nothing,” Norah replied abashedly and looked down at her hands that were resting in her lap. Benedict leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table and rested his chin on top of his clasped hands to express his deepening interest.

"I'm intrigued. Go on. Tell me what you were thinking just now," Benedict challenged her and Norah promptly shook her head at him.

"I'm not telling you," she laughed nervously and Benedict narrowed his eyes at her before he turned to look at Tom.

"Tom, haven't you taught her to respect her elders?" he questioned, pretending to be dismayed by Norah's unwillingness to tell him about her private thoughts.

"It's a lost cause. She won't listen to me one bit," Tom replied and Norah could have sworn that there was a hint of sincerity in his voice. Looking back at how things had been between them during the last few days, there definitely was some truth to his statement.

"You could at least try telling her. If you just give up like that she'll never come around," Benedict urged him on, clearly finding those spontaneous roleplays to be highly amusing.

"Norah, respect your elders," Tom said, adopting the same paternal tone of voice he had used with Benedict earlier. His deepened voice sent shivers down Norah's spine, causing her to shift uncomfortably in her seat as an unwelcome warm sensation spread in her lower abdomen. Why did he have to sound so damn sexy whenever he lowered his voice?

"Fuck you," she said boldly, jumping at the chance to be openly rude to Tom without it being frowned upon by their dinner guests. In their eyes, she was probably just playing along.

"You see," Tom said despondently and shook his head at Benedict to emphasise the hopelessness he felt towards the subject at hand. "What am I to do with her?" he wondered out loud as he looked thoughtfully at Norah. Her stomach flipped and she shifted in her seat again, this time crossing her legs.

"If you ask me, I think a good old fashioned spanking is in order," Benedict suggested with a sinister smile. This made Norah blush deeply and sink down a little in her seat out of embarrassment. Of all the things he could have said, why did he have to say just that?

"Oh, trust me," Tom replied in that same deep voice as before and gave Norah a significative look. "I most certainly would if I could." Norah found herself staring at him in shock, her eyes widened and her mouth hanging slightly open. Had he really just said that? Was there any truth to his words or did he just act like there was? Her heart raced, pumping adrenaline through her veins and she began to feel agonizingly aroused by his statement. She moved her chair closer to the table and was now able to press her thighs together underneath it without anybody noticing, stilling some of her throbbing lower regions’ intensive ache for friction. She searched Tom’s face for clues as to whether he was being serious or not, but couldn’t tell since he was still in character.

Benedict broke character and laughed at Norah's befuddled expression. "It's not funny," Norah said and shot him an angry glare across the table. She was flustered and it bothered her greatly that she couldn't tell for sure if Tom was just playing his part extremely well or if there in fact had been a hint of sincerity in his statement. Evidently Benedict and Sophie assumed that it was all part of the ongoing roleplay, but Norah wasn't so sure. Something about way he had looked at her as he uttered the words had put some serious doubt in her mind.

"Who said I was joking?" Tom asked her, his deep voice making her even more aroused than she already was. She glared at him as she nervously began to fumble with the bandage wrapped around her left hand. It was wrapped a bit too tight and she needed to loosen it up a little.

"Stop it," Norah told Tom frustratedly as she finally managed to undo the bandage lock.

"Then tell Ben what he wants to know," Tom told her, again with that voice.

"I don't have to tell him anything," Norah protested angrily and leaned her elbows against the table, despondently hiding her face behind her right hand. She tried to think of something else entirely to still her sexual arousal, but it was made impossible when Tom proceeded to lean in and whisper in her ear.

"Believe me, you wouldn't be able to sit comfortably for days after I was done with you." Norah tensed up at the sound of his words and that alone was enough to make her orgasm. She swallowed the moan that was threatening to leave her mouth and crossed her arms against the table surface and buried her head in them resignedly as she waited out her orgasm. It was a great relief to finally cum, even though she was still frustratingly and inconveniently aroused. She uncrossed her legs under the table and turned her head to the side to peek at Tom. He was sitting back in his chair with his arms crossed and his legs distractingly far apart. “I’m waiting,” he informed her in a firm voice, causing her to flinch.

“What?” she said confusedly.

“Tell Ben what you were thinking about earlier.” Norah sat back up straight and stared at him inquiringly. He couldn’t be serious.

“It’s not funny, Tom. Just stop it already,” Norah spat at him, beginning to get really upset.

“Oh, but it is funny,” Benedict argued her from across the table. Norah turned her head to glare angrily at him. “Darling, your reactions are priceless. It’s absolutely brilliant.”

“Not to me, it isn’t,” Norah muttered bitterly and abruptly got up from her seat to leave. She glared angrily at Tom when he refused to budge, provokingly blocking her way. “Can you please move out of my way?” she demanded, feeling flustered again. “Tom, please. I need to go to the toilet,” she begged and sighed deeply when he made no move to get up.

“I’m still waiting,” he insisted, still with an alarmingly straight face. Norah’s eyes narrowed as she stared at him. She really needed to pee and began to feel very uncomfortable.

“Fine!” she finally said in defeat and turned to look at Benedict. “I was thinking that you two had a HiddlesBatch slash moment going on earlier.”

“What’s that?” Benedict asked with a frown and that’s when Norah noticed that Sophie was no longer sitting by the table. No wonder she hadn’t received any help from Benedict’s soon to be better half.

“Where’s Sophie?” Norah asked.

“She left while you were hiding your face moping. She even said goodbye to you,” Tom said frankly, still with a serious look on his face.

“Oh, she did? Well, I’ve told Benedict what he wanted to know. Can you please move out of my way before I pee myself?” Norah asked, crossing her arms.

“You haven’t answered Ben’s question yet,” Tom pointed out.

“What was the question again?” Norah wondered frustratedly.

“What’s a HiddlesBatch slash moment?” Benedict asked with a wide grin, leaning back in his chair, clearly enjoying the show.

“It’s…” Norah blushed. “Isn’t it kind of obvious what it is?” she asked, frowning at him. Benedict shook his head at her, clearly amused by how flustered she got. “HiddlesBatch is a combination of your names, which you of course should be able to figure out by yourself,” she explained irritably. “And slash is… why don’t you just google it?”

“Because it’s so much funnier to watch you cringe,” Benedict explained. Norah glared at him. He was having too much fun at her expense.

“You’re evil,” Norah muttered bitterly. “Well… I guess you could say that slash is like… well... two people of the same sex having sexual relations.”

“Oh, you naughty girl!” Benedict reprimanded her humorously and laughed heartily. “Now the question is how did you know what it was?” Norah was mortified and felt the colour drain from her face.

“Move out of my way already,” she snapped desperately at Tom who was still keeping a straight face. ‘What the fuck is wrong with him?’ Norah thought irritably. “If you don’t move right now I’ll fucking piss in your lap!” she threatened, finally losing her temper.

“There’s no need to be rude,” Tom told her calmly and stood up from his seat, still blocking her way.

“I desperately need to go,” Norah sighed.

“Say the magic word.”

“Please!” Norah uttered in exasperation. Great relief washed over her when Tom finally moved out of her way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, I very much appreciate it. You truly are amazing. :)  
> Also, if you don't mind, feedback would be greatly appreciated and make me immensely happy.


	10. I might as well have some fun

Norah washed her face with cold water. The words Tom had whispered in her ear earlier were on repeat in her head. She sat on the toilet lid and buried her face in her hands in exasperation. Why did he have to mess with her mind like that? Did he know? Was he actually aware of what effect his words would have on her? Had he kept going because he knew how sexually frustrated he made her feel? Or was it all just part of an innocent joke? And what about him saying that he would actually spank her if he could? Norah thought of the way Tom had looked at her as he'd said it and sighed heavily. If he hadn’t meant it, he'd done a hell of a good job acting like it.

"Norah? Are you okay in there?" Norah jumped at the sound of Tom's voice from the other side of the door. He sounded concerned. For how long had she been in there?

"I'm fine," she replied and quickly got up from the toilet seat. But it was too quickly. Her head began to spin and she lost her balance, stumbling into the door. She breathed in sharply and grabbed the hand which she had just held up to stop herself from face planting the door. "Fucking hell!" she groaned and grabbed a hold of her injured hand. Face planting the door would probably be less painful. Her hand felt warm and was swelling up even more than before. Norah sighed as she looked down on the slightly blue-tinted back of her hand, realising that she had forgotten to put the bandage back on after she had been nervously fiddling with it earlier.

Up until now, she had made sure to keep the bandage on at all time to prevent Tom from seeing the state of her hand. He had asked numerous times if he could take a look at it, but she had down right refused. She had insisted that it was only a sprain, caused by a fall. Tom hadn’t looked entirely convinced by her explanation, but had nonetheless respected her wish. When it came to Sarah, it really hadn’t been that hard for Norah to hide her injury. Sarah had been in her zone, completely caught up in her studies and barely taking notice of the world around her; as she often did when there was some big essay or an important test coming up.

"What are you doing in there?" Tom wondered from the other side of the door.

"Nothing!" Norah exclaimed hastily, washing her hand in cold water to try to make it less swollen and still the sharp, pulsating pain she had in it.

"Then come on out already."

"Just a minute!" she called back, turned off the water and grabbed a bunch of paper towels to dry off her aching hand. She angrily unlocked the door and pushed it open with unnecessary force, causing it to slam into the wall behind it. Tom looked at her incredulously.

“What part of ‘we’re at a restaurant’ is it that you don’t understand? This,” he said collectedly and placed a hand on the door, “is not your door. And that,” he pointed to the wall, “is not your wall. You can’t go around being so careless with other people's belongings, Norah.”

Norah let her hands fall to her side and sighed deeply, lowering her gaze. Even though Tom's voice was calm, she felt threatened by him. He somehow looked broader and taller than usual, towering over her, whereas she felt as if she had just shrunk several inches. When Tom reached out to brush some hair out of her face, Norah shied away from him, her back hitting the door-frame behind her. Tom furrowed his brow.

"Why are you flinching away from me?" he asked confoundedly and gently proceeded to move the hair away from Norah’s face to get a better look at her. "You're not afraid of me, are you?" he asked bewildered.

Norah kept her gaze down, staring at Tom's black shoes. They were usually so polished and elegant, but now they had mud on them, making them look so much less impressive. Tom moved his hand slowly and deliberately, placing an index finger under Norah’s chin and lifted it upwards until she was looking up at him.

"Norah, please tell me you're not actually feeling threatened by me," Tom said earnestly. Norah didn't say anything, she just shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself. "Have I ever given you a reason to fear me? Have I ever done anything to hurt you?" he questioned.

Norah thought about it. Tom was one of the nicest persons she had ever met, and he had been remarkably patient with her. But even he had a breaking point and sometimes he had been quite daunting. But he had never, at least not consciously, done anything to hurt her. Norah shrugged again, not knowing what to say. She didn’t know why she suddenly felt like this. Tom wasn’t really doing anything to intimidate her. Sure, he had just told her off, but not in a harsh way, not in a way that justified this kind of reaction from her.

"Is... is this about what I said before?" Tom wondered and sighed as Norah’s eyes widened. She was both surprised and embarrassed about the fact that he actually brought it up. “Norah... You have absolutely nothing to worry about. I would never lay a hand on you. You must know that,” Tom explained with sincerity in his voice, and his eyes conveyed hurt. “I took things too far and I’m really sorry about that.”

Norah bit her lip as she slowly nodded her head at him. She knew he wouldn’t hurt her, at least not on purpose. But she couldn’t help but think of the fact that he only told her that he wouldn’t do it, not that he didn’t want to do it, which was kind of what he had indicated when he had said that ‘he would if he could’. She really wanted to know if he had meant it, but couldn’t bring herself to ask him. She was embarrassed enough as it was, and what if he said yes?

Norah sighed deeply and lowered her gaze again, this time pausing as it reached Tom’s chest. He had undone a few of the top buttons of his shirt making it look more casual, the white fabric was a bit see-through and it was sitting tightly over his toned chest. She loved that shirt. Norah jumped when Tom suddenly spoke again, this time with tenderness in his voice.

“I don’t want us to be on bad terms, Norah. You were doing so well and then, without a warning, it took a turn for the worse. I have no idea what triggered this. Was it something I did?”

Norah opened her mouth to speak, but found herself at a loss for words. Tom's phone went off, but instead of answering the call, he turned off the sound and kept looking at her inquiringly. She stared back into his soulful eyes. They were so beautiful. She thought about how many times she had stared at those very eyes on her computer screen. How they had revealed part of the soul of all those characters Tom had brought to life through his acting; how the emotions conveyed within those very eyes had made her feel so much for the characters he portrayed and made them seem so real.

Tom's phone went off again and this time he broke eye contact with Norah to check the caller ID.

"It's Sarah. I'm really sorry, but I think I better take this in case it's something important," Tom said apologetically just before he answered the call. "Hello darling, are you doing alright?" Norah began to leave when Tom touched her shoulder gently and angled the phone away from his mouth to speak to her. "We'll talk later, okay?"

Norah shrugged and half-smiled at him in response before she proceeded to leave, giving him some privacy talking to the woman he loved. Norah couldn’t help but feel rejected. He chose Sarah over her, and she hated it.

Norah made her way back to the table and instantly began looking for the bandage, completely ignoring Benedict. Carefully avoiding to support herself on her injured hand, she crawled around on the floor under the table, much like a three legged dog searching for something to eat. She jumped in surprise when Benedict unexpectedly decided to join her. The back of her head hit the table and she groaned, clutching the hurting area. "Fucking hell!" she cursed as her eyes began to water.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you. Are you alright, dear?" Benedict apologized sincerely and put a hand on her shoulder. Norah felt annoyed, but once she saw Benedict's concerned expression she couldn't possibly be angry with him.

"I'm okay," she assured him and smiled. "It just hurt like a motherfucker that's all."

"Such language!" Benedict chided jokingly.

"It seems like you bring out the worst in me," Norah laughed and shrugged at him.

"It undoubtedly seems so," Benedict agreed with a sinister smile. "I've been meaning to ask you: why are we under the table?"

"I was looking for my bandage, but I can't seem to find it," Norah replied, letting her eyes once more scan the floor.

"Then you needn't look any more. Tom has it," Benedict replied and Norah sighed.

"I was afraid you'd say that," she muttered and crawled back out from under the table, nearly causing a waiter to fall over her in the process.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there, Miss," a familiar voice said as the waiter stopped abruptly mid-step, skillfully balancing a tray of empty glasses in one hand and a pile of plates in the other.

"Joe!" Norah greeted him with a smile and stood up.

"Norah? I didn’t expect to see you here!" Joe replied, his clear blue eyes lighting up with joy. "It's good to see that you finally found your shoes," he added jokingly.

"Yeah," Norah replied, scratching the back of her neck. "You work here too? Oh, right, you already told me. This is your parents' tavern," Norah added awkwardly.

"Yeah. Father's down with a cold, so they needed me to help them out tonight," Joe replied with a smile.

"That's so sweet of you. I hope your father gets well soon then," Norah replied with a warm smile, her cheeks flushing as Benedict crawled out from under the table. "We weren't..." she began to mumble awkwardly, realising that it to Joe must have looked quite suspicious having two people crawling out from under the same table.

"I found it!" Benedict exclaimed, holding up his credit card. Norah felt relieved that he had chosen to cover for her rather than embarrassing her any further.

"Oh, good!" Norah played along. "Have you two met?" she added, realising that introducing them to each other would be the customary thing to do.

"I don't think we have," Benedict said with a smile and stood up straight. "I would have shaken your hand, but I can see that they're quite full. I'm Ben. Pleased to meet you," he introduced himself smoothly.

"Likewise, I'm Joe," the blonde man replied courteously. "I should probably get going. Just for the record, my niece over there adores you, but she doesn't want to bother you," Joe added, nodding his head over at Riko who was sitting on a barstool with her eyes fixed on the tablet screen in front of her.

Norah smiled knowingly as she looked over at Riko. It reminded her of what it had been like the first time she met Tom. Sarah had introduced them to each other and she could barely bring herself to say 'hi' to him. Thinking about it, Norah realized that she hadn’t really spoken all that much to Tom before that night a few months ago when he had put his foot down. She frowned as she thought about it: it had taken her over a year and a half before she exchanged more than a few words with Tom, and she was still getting nervous around him.

"Isn't that the girl you were talking to earlier?" Benedict wondered, bringing Norah back to reality.

"Umm, yeah. Riko. She seems pretty awesome," Norah replied absently, her eyes catching Tom who was pacing back and forth in a quiet part of the tavern, presumably still on the phone with Sarah. She couldn't see his face, but judging from his body language he seemed troubled. Were he and Sarah fighting? Was something seriously wrong? Norah wanted to go over there and check on him, but decided against it, not wanting to snoop. Benedict threw a quick glance at Tom before he put an arm around Norah’s shoulders, turning her away from Tom.

"Don't worry about that," Benedict told her quietly and smiled encouragingly at her. "How about we go and say hello to your friend?" he suggested.

"Okay," Norah agreed and returned his smile. "But you have to promise not to do anything to embarrass her."

"I'll be good," Benedict assured her with a smile and they both proceeded to walk up to the girl who was sitting alone at the bar.

Benedict was being really sweet to Riko, who initially blushed upon seeing him. He showed great interest in the card game she was playing and Norah was happily surprised when he agreed to let them create an account for him after she jokingly suggested it. All three of them had their eyes glued to the screen as they collectively played through the tutorial games against the innkeepers.

It was great fun and for a moment Norah even ceased to think about Tom. That was one of the reasons she yelped and stared at him with great surprise when he lightly tapped her shoulder and uttered her name.

"Damn, you scared me!" Norah muttered causing Tom to smile at her. She glanced over at Riko and couldn’t help but smile at the girl's bewildered expression as Tom held out his hand to greet her.

"You must be Riko. I'm Tom," he introduced himself, giving her one of his warm, wide trademark smiles that Norah never got tired of seeing. Riko shook his hand and smiled, but was seemingly too dumbfounded to say anything in response. "It's a pleasure to meet you," Tom added. Riko swallowed nervously and nodded at him, still at a loss for words. "If I may be so bold as to steal away Norah for a moment," Tom requested, placing a hand on Norah’s shoulder. Riko nodded silently in response, whereas Benedict answered with a smile and the words 'be my guest'.

Norah hopped off the bar stool and began fiddling with her shirtsleeves, pulling them down over her hands, as she and Tom walked over to the table around which they had been seated earlier that evening.

"Are you nervous?" Tom wondered with a slight frown as he grabbed a seat. Norah shook her head 'no' as she slumped down in the chair next to him. "Is something the matter?" he pressed and Norah sighed.

"I don't know. Is it?" she muttered wearily and kept fiddling with her shirtsleeves.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Tom asked and leaned forward towards her, resting his forearms on his knees. He looked searchingly at Norah and she shrugged at him. She was really tired and all the thoughts spinning around her head left her confused as to what she wanted to say to him or if she even wanted to talk to him at all. "You look exhausted, Norah," Tom commented and reached out to feel her forehead. "Darling, you're cold as ice and pale as a ghost. Can you please eat something? Anything. I promise, you'll feel better once you do," Tom requested earnestly.

Norah felt her eyes tear up at his words and she looked away from him. "I can't," she replied and sighed heavily. She always got more sensitive and moodier than usual when she didn’t eat. Sarah had pointed that out to her more times than she could count and it annoyed her to no end. Even worse was it when Sarah began preaching to her about the importance of getting enough energy and nutrients to the brain for it to work and grow properly. Norah hated that argument because it really scared her. Growing up in the shadow of her brilliant, overachieving sister, who everybody seemed to love to praise and shower with compliments, it was no wonder why Norah lacked self-confidence and regarded herself as stupid in comparison to her older sister.

School had never been Norah's thing. When she was little, she used to look forward to starting school. She thought she would get lots of friends to play with and learn new things every day, because that was the way it had been described to her by a very enthusiastic Sarah. But once Norah started school, her rather romanticised image of what it would be like would soon be mercilessly crushed by the harsh reality. Being a highly sensitive daydreamer with a short attention span turned out to be far from an optimal combination of personality traits for school. Norah quickly became an easy target for other kids to pick on and the teachers didn't like her either because she never paid attention in class. Far too often she would get to hear that she wasn’t trying hard enough and that she was just being lazy. And the fact that she really was trying hard only made her feel like she just wasn’t good enough.

“Norah?” Tom said, snapping her back to reality. “You spaced out on me.”

“I guess that’s one of the few things I’m actually good at,” Norah replied bitterly. “It’s so unfair, the lack of equilibrium when it comes to people. Some people, such as yourself and Sarah, are blessed with so many of those things that society deem desirable. Whereas others, like myself, are unfortunate to turn out to be good-for-nothing failures. I hate it. I hate it so much, but still I’m part of the problem for internalising all those idiotic ideals and ideas of what makes one person better than another. It’s sickening and I don’t want to be part of it, and the only way for me not to be part of it is to simply stop existing.” Tears ran down Norah’s face as she spoke and Tom stared at her, seemingly astonished by her unexpected rant.

“I…” Tom began to say, but momentarily he seemed to be at a loss for words. He frowned slightly as he thought about what she had just said, before he once again opened his mouth to speak. “Norah, please listen to me,” he said and put a hand on her shoulder. “You are not a failure. And what’s desirable in one culture might be unsuitable in another... And a lot of people, including myself, agree with you; some ideals are truly idiotic, and it’s truly horrible that some people think themselves better than others and treat them differently, but... call me naive if you like, but I truly believe that the effort to improve the world is not a lost cause. If you want it to change for the better, you shouldn’t give up on it.”

Norah looked at him, her eyes full of tears. “You are naive, Tom,” she smiled sadly. “But perhaps such pure naivety and faith in humanity in fact are the key ingredients to implement some real change to the world,” she told him, feeling like an old worn woman, embittered by the unfairness of the world.

Tom smiled warmly at her and proceeded to wipe the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. “You have a beautiful mind, Norah,” he told her intensively and held his hands on each side of her face so that their eyes were meeting. “And I would be truly devastated if it ceased to exist.” His words moved Norah in a way that she had never experienced before. It was as if her heart was breaking and healing simultaneously. With Tom’s face so close to her own, Norah couldn’t help but feeling the urge to kiss him and it took most of her remaining might to stop herself from giving in to this impulse.

Tom gently kissed the top of her head before he let go of her and sat back in his chair. Norah’s heart was racing and she felt both flattered and diminished by his action. He had in fact just kissed her, but in a way that parents kiss their children. Norah sighed as she wrote it off as a strictly platonic act of compassion from Tom’s side. Why couldn’t he just kiss her on the mouth, the way people kiss their lovers? ‘Because he’s not my lover. He belongs to Sarah and he will never love me the way I love him,’ Norah thought sadly and sighed.

“Do you mind?” Tom asked, but didn’t wait for an answer before he reached out to gently take her damaged hand in his. He carefully pulled back the shirtsleeve Norah had made sure to cover her hand with and adopted a concerned look on his face as he studied it closely. "A doctor should take a look at this. I think it might be broken. A friend of mine once broke his hand and it swelled up just like this," Tom explained and looked at Norah with wonder. "Doesn't it hurt?"

"Of course it hurts," Norah sneered and rolled her eyes at him. It hurt a whole lot, but she didn’t mind it all that much. The painkillers she had bought for her period pain helped a little and, as strange as it may sound, Norah somehow found comfort in physical pain, because a lot of times it was far better than the psychological pain she experienced more often than she thought fair.

"You should have told me." Tom sighed and pulled out the rolled up bandage from his pocket before he proceeded to gently tend to Norah’s hand.

"But Tom, it’s fine, I’m fine... It’s really not that bad. As long as I don't touch it or try to move my fingers too much, I manage. I don't need to see a doctor. It's probably just a sprain anyway," Norah assured him. She could tell from the skepticism in his eyes that he didn’t believe a word she was saying, and rightfully so. When Tom was just about to secure the bandage with the bandage locks, his phone went off again.

“Fuck,” he mumbled as he finished his task and began fishing for his phone in his pocket. Norah couldn’t help but smile when she heard the word leave his lips.

“Did you just say ‘fuck’?” she asked and laughed. Tom seemed a bit flustered and looked up at her once he finally managed to find his phone, which by now had stopped ringing.

“I’m sorry,” Tom immediately apologized, causing Norah to laugh even harder at him. “What’s so funny?” he wondered, giving her a confused look.

“It’s just so adorable, you saying fuck and all. It doesn’t suit you,” Norah explained, causing Tom to look somewhat indignant, as if he somehow found her words to be diminishing. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just meant that it doesn’t suit you as a person to speak like that. It's a completely different thing when you say it as someone else, when you're in character... For example, if I recall correctly, Adam said ‘fuck’ quite a lot and it wasn’t a strange thing because, well... it suited his character to say it. But when you say it... it's just sort of uncharacteristic of you.”

Tom’s expression changed significantly at Norah’s words and he was now smiling warmly at her. “You’ve seen Only Lovers Left Alive?” he asked, seemingly happily surprised by this.

“Maybe...” Norah replied quietly and began to feel self-conscious.

“I thought you were completely indifferent to my acting career,” Tom revealed causing Norah to stare at him as if he was crazy. He was usually so startlingly insightful, but this time his assumption had been really far off. Norah was practically obsessed with him and loved the fact that she was able to watch and listen to him as much as she wanted through the many productions and interviews he appeared in. And the best part was that she could do it, and obsess over him as much as she wanted, without his or Sarah’s knowledge.

“What gave you that impression?” Norah asked curiously.

“Do you remember when I asked you if you wanted to see me in Coriolanus with Sarah and you promptly turned down the offer?” Tom asked and Norah immediately felt bad as she remembered how she had handled that situation.

“Yes, but that wasn’t because I didn’t want to see you in the play. It was because of the number of people that was going to be there. I tend to panic in situations like that, when there are too many people in one place at the same time,” Norah explained, wishing that she had explained it to him back when he had asked her to come see the play. She remembered being really flattered that he asked, but it had been back when she hadn’t been able to bring herself to exchange more than a few words with him at a time whenever they met. Back then, he would always be the one initiating their brief exchange of words or she wouldn’t say anything to him, not because she wanted to be rude, but because she simply didn’t know what to say. She was glad and relieved that this had changed. Now she was actually able to speak to him and sometimes even be the one initiating their conversations, even if he still made her nervous.

“Oh…” Tom uttered with a look of surprise. “Sarah never told me that... What’s it like for you to be in here right now?” he wondered and looked around the tavern.

“It’s okay,” Norah replied with an embarrassed smile. “The place isn’t exactly crowded, and I’m not here by myself, so I'm good.”

“That’s good,” Tom smiled at her and gave her an apologetic look when he received a text. He glanced down at the screen and sighed as he read the text. "It's Sarah. Apparently her computer screen keeps turning itself off and now she's wondering if she can borrow your laptop," Tom explained. Norah could feel the colour drain from her face. She hated it when someone else used her things, it felt like an invasion of her privacy, especially her computers. There were so many things on her laptop that she definitely didn't want anyone to see, especially not Sarah or Tom.

“Does she have to borrow mine? Didn’t you bring yours?” Norah questioned. Tom shook his head in response and she sighed heavily. “But... I don’t... fuck!” she muttered.

“Norah, you know how important it is that she gets her essay in on time,” Tom reminded her.

“I know, but…” Norah thought about all the text documents she had on her laptop. A lot of them were short-stories, erotic ones, most of which revolving around herself or original female characters and Tom. If anyone saw them, she would be truly mortified. “I don’t feel comfortable lending her my laptop... But fine! I'll fucking do it! She might as well borrow my soul and sell it to the devil while she's at it!” Norah replied angrily. She knew that she was being dramatic and that just made her even more angry.

“Norah…” Tom sighed. “She's just going to finish her essay and send it in. That's all.”

“I already told you yes! Damn it!” Norah snapped. She hated the fact that she got so upset and took it out on Tom, but sometimes when she got angry, she felt more like a passive onlooker than an actual person able of controlling herself. She took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down before she looked at him again. “I'm sorry. It's not your fault Sarah’s laptop won't work. I've told her to buy a new one thousands of times, but she won't listen to me. She never does.”

“That’s okay,” Tom assured her with a gentle smile. “I'll make sure she gets herself a new one,” he added and gently stroke her cheek with the back of his hand. Norah smiled back at him and stood up.

“By the way, I might have seen Coriolanus when it was being broadcast, and I might just have found it to be very captivating and haunting and really great. And I might have thought you were brilliant,” Norah revealed before she walked off to Riko and Benedict by the bar before Tom had the chance to respond to her praise. She smiled to herself, satisfied that she had just managed to compliment Tom without feeling too awkward about it.

“Are you still playing?” Norah asked and laughed as Benedict held up a finger to silence her as he was planning his next move. He seemed to be really into the game.

“My magic will tear you apart!” Benedict exclaimed simultaneously with his character on the game just before it killed off the innkeeper. Riko and Norah laughed at the accuracy in his imitation of the female mage.

“You're such a dork!” Norah exclaimed, delighted by his commitment. “Though, you shouldn’t BM like that when you start playing against other players.”

“BM?” Benedict questioned, smiling at her as she climbed up on the seat next to his.

“Bad manners,” Norah replied and spontaneously began fiddling with the tealight on the bar in front of her. She rolled the stearine from her fingertips into a little ball and held it up over the flame until it melted away.

"Sounds like something you should be good at," Benedict teased and took a sip from his beer before he blew out the tealight. Norah snorted and looked at him with feigned resentment. "Easy there!" Benedict laughed as he caught her murderous glare. Norah narrowed her eyes even more and pushed his shoulder playfully.

"Getting a bit tipsy, are we?" she teased when Benedict instinctively grabbed the bar desk to keep himself from falling off the barstool.

“Oh, trust me, Darling. I can handle my liquor. The question is, can you?” Benedict replied with a grin. Norah briefly looked around to see if Tom was nearby.

“Try me!” she challenged with a smile when she couldn’t see Tom anywhere.

“Do you like tequila?” Benedict asked with a mischievous smile, motioning for the bartender to come over and take their orders.

“Sure,” Norah smiled back, pushing away the thoughts about how much calories alcohol actually contained. She didn’t care about the fact that she had promised Sarah and Tom not to drink another drop of alcohol before she turned eighteen. ‘Why bother? Tomorrow when Sarah sees my hand I’ll most likely be in trouble anyway, so I might as well have some fun before hell breaks loose,’ she reasoned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this. If you don't mind, I would love any form of feedback, it really means a lot to me and inspires me to keep writing. <3


	11. "How did this happen?"

“It’s for you,” Benedict said and handed Norah his cell phone. She had just recently begun to feel the effect of the tequila shots and rubbed her tired eyes with one hand as she held the phone to her ear with the other.

“Hello?” she spoke wearily into the receiver.

“Hey, Norah. I’m so sorry for leaving you so promptly. I…” Tom began to explain apologetically, pausing briefly as Norah snorted at him. “I felt that I needed to hurry back to the house and help Sarah out. When I spoke to her on the phone she sounded quite... agitated… Are you alright being there with Ben until I come back, or would you prefer coming here?” Tom wondered.

“Oh, trust me. I’m fine. We’re fine," Norah assured and couldn’t help but smile maliciously. She got an inner image of Tom running to and fro in the house, trying various things to calm Sarah down. "Actually, I’m much rather here than around Sarah when she’s freaking out over her essay. Frankly, she’s a bit of a pain in the arse when she does that,” Norah added truthfully, feeling the spiteful laughter building up inside of her. Now Tom finally got to experience one of the less pleasant sides of Sarah and Norah was secretly hoping that it would put him off enough to break up with her sister.

“Norah, you shouldn’t be talking about your sister like that,” Tom admonished and Norah couldn’t hold her laughter in any longer. She could hear Tom sigh into the phone, waiting patiently for her fit of laughter to die out before he spoke again. “Anyhow, please tell Ben that I’ll try to make it back as soon as possible. And, I forgot to ask you, what’s the password to your laptop?”

“Ha! Good luck with that! I can tell she’s got her claws into you, and I seriously doubt she will let go anytime soon,” Norah told him, thinking bitterly about how Sarah, seemingly by accident, had managed to reel in the man of Norah’s dreams. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the man in question tended to treat Norah more like a child than a peer.

“Norah, please. Don’t talk about her like she’s some kind of monster,” Tom chided in a lowered voice, presumably trying to avoid having Sarah overhearing him. “Could you just give me the password?”

“I hate myself and want to die,” Norah replied nonchalantly.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s the password, you moron. One word and the first i is capital. Am I being clear enough?” Norah said provocatively. She was starting to feel angry with him again as she thought about how he kept telling her off for small things, as if she was an unruly child in need of correction.

“I don’t appreciate you taking that tone with me,” Tom chided, causing Norah to scream internally with frustration.

“And I don’t appreciate you talking to me like I’m a fucking child!” Norah retorted angrily. She was about to hang up when she heard Tom’s voice again.

“You’re right, Norah. I’m really, really sorry. I don’t mean to diminish you in any way, but if I make you feel that way, I am clearly doing something wrong. I promise, I’ll try to better myself,” Tom promised and he sounded sincerely sorry as he apologised to her. Norah stayed silent, not quite knowing what to say, or even what to feel about what Tom had just said to her. “Norah? Are you still there?”

“Yep,” she replied shortly.

“Thank you so much for lending Sarah your computer, she really appreciates it. And it’s really nice of you to keep Ben company. I hadn’t really planned for this to happen.” Norah felt really annoyed by Tom’s words. They reminded her of how he seemed to be so completely oblivious when it came to Sarah’s bad sides.

“If you hadn’t been away on work all the time, you’d know that Sarah always gets like this when something major is coming up,” Norah explained, her voice thick with reproval. “Have a nice time wiping the tears from your perfect girlfriend’s face as she wails like a bitch and panics, scared to death of sending in her fucking perfect essay! Which she by the way probably has spent twice as much time writing than any of her classmates have on theirs! Bye!” she added the last word promptly before hanging up, leaving Tom no time frame to give an answer to her angry outburst.

“That was a bit harsh,” Benedict commented as Norah handed him his phone back. She gave a deep sigh in response before downing the last of her drink. “Easy there. Let’s have some fun, shall we?” Norah looked up from her empty glass with a raised eyebrow and couldn’t help but smile as Benedict grinned widely at her, a slice of lemon covering his teeth.

With his seemingly never ending stream of ideas on funny things to do, spot-on imitations of various people and interesting anecdotes, Benedict managed to make Norah forget all about Tom and Sarah. It didn’t take long until Benedict had become the center of attention in the small tavern and he gladly amused the other guests who showed to be really appreciative of his entertainment. Norah was startled when Riko suddenly patted her on the shoulder.

“Can I ask you something?” Riko wondered, looking self-conscious as she chewed her lip and let her eyes wander around the room.

“Of course,” Norah replied with a gentle smile and they walked over to a more silent part of the tavern, where they could speak more privately.

"I'm dying to know. How do you know Benedict and Tom?" Riko asked eagerly, her eyes lighting up with excitement as she uttered their names. Norah smiled knowingly at her.

"Tom is dating my sister, Sarah. Benedict and Sophie are friends with Tom," she explained as Riko gazed dreamily over at Benedict interacting with the other tavern visitors.

"You're life must be amazing," Riko said enviously and sighed sadly. "Not dull like mine."

"Oh, trust me. It really isn't," Norah replied and smiled sadly at the younger girl.

"Why not?" Riko wondered keenly, seemingly genuinely surprised by Norah's reply.

"Well... my life is kind of dull too. Tom really isn't around that much, he's away at work. A lot. Especially as of lately... And when he is around, Sarah usually takes a lot of his attention. Which of course isn't strange since she's his girlfriend and all..." Norah explained and sighed frustratedly at the thought of Tom and Sarah's relationship. Since Sarah started going out with Tom she had been a lot happier than she had been in years, and of course Norah wanted her sister to be happy, but why did it have to be with Tom of all people?

"I'm sorry," Riko said with an apologetic smile. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"Oh... no, I’m not upset,” Norah assured and smiled sadly at the girl. She hated how alcohol always at some point seemed to bring her into a melancholy state of mind. “I’m sorry,” Norah added with an embarrassed smile.

“About what?” Riko asked.

“About bringing down the mood.”

“You’re not,” Riko assured with a smile. “I was the one complaining about my dull life, remember?”

“Right,” Norah said with a laugh. “Why do you think it’s dull anyhow?”

“There’s really nothing to do around here with all the summer guests are gone and the crappy weather,” Riko explained, with a shrug. “There isn’t anyone my age living here, and I have to get up early every weekday so my uncle can take me by boat to a nearby, larger island for school, that is if the weather allows it. And my father never wants to see me. He claims that he does, but if he really did, he would make time to see me.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Norah said sincerely and placed a hand on Riko’s shoulder in attempt to comfort her.

“Thank you.” Riko smiled at her with watery eyes. Norah returned the smile gave the other girl’s shoulder a squeeze before letting it go. Despite the fact that they had barely spoken to each other, Norah felt a special connection to Riko. There was something about her that made Norah feel like she could trust her, like she didn’t have to be afraid that Riko would pass judgement on her. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Norah replied.

“What’s Tom really like?” Riko wondered and Norah smiled. She could tell that Riko was really fond of Tom, and she knew exactly what it was like wanting to find out more about him. She thought for a moment, wanting to give a satisfying answer.

“Tom is… actually, I don’t know him all that well. I mean, sure, he’s been around every now and then, but it wasn’t until a few months ago that I really began talking to him,” Norah began to say, noticing that Riko was hanging onto her every word. “But I guess he’s really nice and really well-read and… he’s pretty orderly, which my sister loves about him. She’s a real neat-freak... Oh, and Tom seems to take it as a personal insult if you say something negative about Shakespeare. I tried that hypothesis once when I was annoyed with him and that really got him going. He began lecturing me on why Shakespeare’s works are so great and he scowled at me when I interrupted him by bursting into a fit of laughter,” Norah confided, smiling at the memory. Riko covered her mouth with a hand as she let a soft, girlish laugh.

“That’s wonderful,” she commented, her hand remaining in front of her mouth. Norah smiled at her newfound friend's adorableness.

They began talking about movies, music and all kinds of things, learning that they had quite a lot in common. Norah continuously sipped her glass of red wine as they spoke and before she knew it she had emptied it. She no longer felt gloomy and tired, but rather upbeat and somewhat hyper. She smiled widely at Benedict and Joe when they decided to join them at the table. Benedict ordered her another drink when he found that her glass was empty. Riko gave Norah an amused look as she accepted the drink. Norah froze mid-air as she was about to take a sip from her drink once she realised that she thoughtlessly had told Riko her age. The younger girl burst into laughter, causing Joe and Benedict to look at her quizzically.

"What?" the two men wondered in unison.

"Nothing," Riko replied, smiling secretively. Norah smiled at her and proceeded to take a sip from her drink. She grimaced as she sat the glass down on the table.

"What the hell is this?" Norah asked, causing the two men to laugh at her.

"Have you never had scotch before?" Benedict asked with amusement in his voice.

“What about it?” Norah questioned wearily.

“You have no problem drinking red wine, but when it comes to fine, expensive whiskey, you make faces,” Benedict pointed out, taking a sip from his own glass of whiskey.

“Red wine is poetic,” Norah told him.

“Whiskey is sophisticated,” Benedict replied.

“Then why are you having it?” Norah questioned and very unsophisticatedly downed the rest of the golden beverage. Both Benedict and Joe let out exaggerated gasps in reaction to her deed.

“That’s not how you drink whiskey,” Joe informed her, smiling as he playfully shook his head in disapproval. Benedict dramatically covered his eyes with his hands to express how awful he found her disrespect for his favourite drink.

“That’s exactly how I drink whiskey,” Norah replied with a smile playing at her lips.

“No, no, no,” Benedict groaned and put a hand on Joe’s shoulder for support, moving as if he’d been physically damaged by Norah’s action. “Please tell me she did not just do that.”

“I’m sorry, man. But unfortunately, she just did the unforgivable,” Joe replied brittly, patting Benedict on the shoulder in a comforting manner. Riko, who amusedly had watched the other three interact, burst into laughter at the two men’s half-serious indignation.

“Oh, get over yourselves,” Norah scoffed the two grown men as they leaned against each other for comfort, pretending to weep into each other’s shoulders. She rose from her seat, but promptly fell back into the chair when the entire room began to spin around her. “What the hell?” she muttered as she found herself in an a lot more drunken state than she had been in seconds earlier.

“Ha!” Benedict exclaimed, pointing an accusatory index finger at her from across the table. “You, my friend, are wasted,” he commented gloatingly, intentionally prolonging the a in the last word for emphasis.

“You are wasted!” Norah retorted irritably as a wave of nausea washed over her. She put both hands in front of her mouth to stop herself from puking all over the wooden table. She got up, pushing the chair back with the back of her legs and tried to walk to the toilet, but it was as if her legs wouldn't cooperate.

"Are you going to be sick, darling?" Benedict asked with a smirk as he immediately went to assist her in walking to the toilet. Norah just glared at him in response as she accepted his welcome aid.

Norah's throat burned, her stomach turned and a disgusting taste filled her mouth as she threw up the seemingly endless amount of warm liquid.

"Fuck me!" she groaned unhappily, feeling completely drained, as if she had just vomited out her intestines.

"Not here," Benedict joked lightheartedly as he continuously brushed back her hair to make sure that she didn't get any puke in it. "Awwh, poor baby," he cooed as Norah turned to look at him with a pout and tear rimmed eyes.

"I'll never drink again," she said bitterly, causing Benedict to laugh.

"You're not supposed to say that until tomorrow morning," he pointed out with a warm smile.

"If I say it now, I might not feel the need to say it in the morning," Norah said hopefully as she wiped the involuntary tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.

"If only it worked like that," Benedict mused.

"Are you okay?" Riko asked Norah after appearing in the door opening with a glass of water in her hand.

"Yep, I'm feeling great," Norah replied and forced a smile. Riko smiled back at her sympathetically and offered her the glass.

"Just have a sip or you might have to throw up again in a couple of minutes," Benedict advised helpfully. Norah followed his advice, even though she instinctively wanted to drink more in order to feel less dried out. "We should probably get going now," Benedict announced, glancing at his watch.

Norah's eyes widened and she shook her head at him dismayfully. "But I can't move, Ben. I'll die if I move," she objected, her voice thick with desperation. He stroke her hair gently and smiled assuringly at her.

"I'll give you a minute to recover. But the sooner we leave, the sooner we can get you to bed," Benedict explained and got up from the tiled floor. Norah sighed heavily, but agreed with him. She took another small sip of water and a few deep breaths before she forced herself to stand up on her unruly legs.

"How did this happen?" she complained after Benedict had to catch her to stop her from falling face first into the sink.

"Next time you should probably not sit down for too long while you drink. Once you stand up it all goes straight to your head," Benedict advised.

"I could have used that knowledge a few hours ago," Norah muttered bitterly. "And there won't be a next time. I'll never, ever drink again."

"We both know you will," Benedict laughed, pausing by the door where Joe stood ready with their coats. "Thank you very much, Joe," he smiled, gratefully accepting the help in putting his coat on, which would have been a difficult task to do by himself seeing as Norah leaned back against him for support.

Joe smiled amusedly as he proceeded to help Norah get her coat on. She blushed deeply, thinking about what a fool she was making out of herself.

"I'm sorry," she apologised, looking up at Joe as he buttoned her jacket for her.

"Oh, you don't need to apologize, darling. We've all been there, even Riko," Joe assured her sweetly and laughed as his niece shot him a dirty look. Norah smiled sheepishly at him and turned her head to look at Riko.

"I'll see you around," Norah said with an amourous smile in her newfound friend's direction.

"Yeah. I hope you feel better soon," Riko replied with an affectionate smile. The two girls locked eyes in a moment of mutual understanding, both giving a short nod before they broke eye contact.

"Bye, Joe," Norah said and couldn't stop herself from blushing deeply as he gave her a brilliant smile.

"Bye, Norah. Take care," he said sweetly before turning to Ben. "Are you sure you don't need any help getting her home?"

"I got this. Thank you, though," Benedict insisted and began walking out the door, practically having to drag Norah with him as her legs seemed unwilling to cooperate. "Bye and thanks for a good time," he said over his shoulder, smiling at Joe and Riko.

"Likewise," Joe said cheerfully, while Riko blushed and settled for waving at Benedict.

"I think this might go smoother if I just carry you," Benedict pointed out after he had dragged Norah with him for a few minutes.

"Nooo, I can walk," Norah insisted and stood up straight, pushing Benedict's supporting arm off her shoulders. She took a few shaky steps until her legs folded underneath her. Kneeling on the muddy gravel path, Norah sighed heavily as she gave Benedict a short nod, giving him her non-verbal permission to lift her up over his shoulder and carry her the rest of the way back to the house. It was humiliating, but at least it meant she would get to go to bed faster.

Once they finally got inside the house, Tom came to greet them in the entrance hall.

"Ben! I'm sorry I couldn't make it back. I've tried calling, but there was no answer. I was about to go over there and look for you," Tom explained, smiling apologetically at his friend. Tom frowned confusedly at the sight of Norah who was still hanging over Benedict's shoulder.

"You called?" Benedict asked, pulling out his phone. "Ah, it's dead. It must have been that game draining the battery," he ascertained with a smile.

"What happened to her?" Tom questioned, walking around his tall friend to get a look at Norah's face as she remained placed over Benedict's shoulder. Norah turned her head, facing away from Tom as he looked searchingly at her. Tom's eyes widened slightly with surprise as realisation hit. "Are you drunk?!" he demanded angrily, causing Norah to cringe.

"No," she replied meekly as Benedict finally let her back down on her feet. Not wanting to stumble and fall in front of Tom, Norah promptly seated herself on the floor, hiding her face in her hands.

Tom sighed heavily and turned to look at Benedict. "Ben, she's only seventeen," he informed his friend in a composed manner.

"Oh," Benedict uttered in surprise and looked down at Norah. "I think someone must have forgotten to tell me that," he said calmly with a hint of amusement in his voice before he turned back to Tom. "I am really sorry, Tom. I thought she was at least eighteen, I swear," Benedict apologised sincerely.

"It's okay, Ben. You didn't know," Tom assured, giving his friend a pat on the shoulder. "Didn't the bartender ask for her ID?" he then wondered, frowning slightly.

"They must have forgotten. Probably because I bought her the drinks," Benedict replied truthfully, seemingly ready to take all the blame.

"I see. Thanks for bringing her home safely," Tom said amiably, with no hint of anger towards his friend whatsoever. "Norah?" he asked, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. The girl shrugged him off and pulled her knees up to her chest. Tom sighed. "Norah, I'm not going to yell at you or anything like that. I'll help you get to bed and we'll talk about this tomorrow," Tom promised, causing Norah to look up at him pitifully.

"Where's Sarah?" she asked anxiously, dreading the moment her sister would find out about her little misdemeanour. Tom smiled at her.

"She's in bed. Thankfully, we managed to get her essay in on time," he explained.

"Did she give you a hard time?" Norah asked, almost hopefully.

"Not really," Tom replied breezily, to Norah's great disappointment.

"She didn't give you a hard time by freaking out and beginning to question her entire existence?" Norah asked incredulously and Tom shook his head at her.

"She did none of that," Tom informed her with a smile.

“Are you fucking serious?! How did you manage to- oh... God! You fucked her! Didn't you?!” Norah accused angrily. “That's so unfair! Since I'm not a guy I can't exactly whip out my cock and fuck my sister whenever she's being a total nightmare and needs to calm down! And even if I were a guy, I wouldn’t be able to do it anyway because fucking her would be incest!”

Benedict clearly struggled to hold back his laughter and excused himself, going upstairs to not embarrass his already mortified friend any further with his bellylaugh.

“Norah, are you even hearing yourself?” Tom asked with a slight edge to his voice and took a couple of deep breaths to retain his composure. Norah shrunk before his admonishing glare and looked down at his feet. She instantly regretted her choice of location to direct her gaze once she registered that Tom was wearing a pair of slippers. She groaned and looked at the shoe stand instead, trying in vain to stop herself from fantasising about Tom spanking her with one of his slippers. “Let’s get you to bed,” Tom huffed, giving a heavy sigh as he proceeded to place one hand under each of Norah’s arms and pull her back up on her feet. He shook his head and sighed dejectedly at the sight of mud covering Norah’s jeans and helped her sit down on the hall bench. “Are you okay?” he asked and Norah nodded at him, a delicate blush spreading across her cheeks as Tom hunkered down in front of her. “Good… Okay, here’s the thing. I’m really sorry about this, but I hadn’t really thought about sleeping arrangements until just recently... Sophie is sleeping in your bed, so you have two options; either you share bed with Sarah or you sleep on one of the couches.”

“I already told you why I can’t sleep with my sister,” Norah replied humorously. Tom smiled, amusedly shaking his head at her.

“I’ll go get you some blankets then,” Tom decided as he stood up. “And pyjama pants,” he added with a sigh, looking at Norah’s jeans. “I don’t think I’ve ever had to do the laundry nearly as often as I have in the last few days,” he pointed out, extracting an embarrassed smile from the drunk girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Any form of feedback would be great. It makes me so immensely happy and motivates me to keep writing. <3


	12. Bridge over troubled water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m sorry for taking so long to update, I’ve been quite occupied by my studies lately. I’d like to thank you all so much for giving me feedback - it really, truly means a whole lot to me. Thank you so much. It's really wonderful to see that there are people out there that actually are interested in reading something I wrote. Thank you so much for reading, really. I love you for it. <3

Norah watched in trance as Tom ever so gently rearranged the bandage around her swollen hand. She hadn’t even noticed that it had been sitting too tightly until he had pointed out to her that her fingers were turning blue. She found it really sweet of him to be so observant, and insistent when it came to nursing her injury.

"There, does it feel better now?" Tom asked after locking the bandage in place. He sat up straight and looked at her expectantly. His face was beautifully highlighted by the sparkling flames in the fireplace and Norah couldn’t help but smile goofily as she thought that his looks at that moment strongly reminded her of those of an angel.

"I didn't really feel anything in it to begin with, Gabriel," she replied light-heartedly, feeling giddy as she fell back against the couch cushions. At least she didn't feel as sick as she had before, which probably had to do with the fact that she had thrown up at least twice since she got back to the house. Her memory was a bit blurry on that part. She remembered staring down into the toilet bowl at one point and into a red bucket while kneeling in front of it on the living room floor at another. Someone, presumably Tom, had held her hair back as she emptied her stomach of the red wine and other drinks she so thoughtlessly had downed at the tavern.

"Right, I forgot for a moment that you're drunk out of your mind," Tom teased her, an amused smile playing at his lips.

"You're out of your mind," Norah retorted spontaneously and threw her head back to look at the ceiling. "Oh my God... I can actually feel the earth moving," she announced blissfully and dreamily stared in front of her, not really focusing her gaze at anything in particular.

“You didn’t by any chance take some LSD while you were at it?” Tom asked jokingly and chuckled as he leaned back next to her on the couch. Norah's heartbeat increased and she felt her cheeks getting warmer as Tom's arm slightly brushed against hers. His soft laugh was one of the most beautiful sounds she had ever heard and she wished it could go on forever. She turned her head to look at Tom and smiled as he mirrored her action. He returned her smile and reached out to neatly tuck an unruly lock of hair behind Norah's ear. He let his hand remain there for a moment, before he let it lightly brush against her cheek on the way back down. It was as if Tom’s gentle touch sent a current of pure bliss into Norah’s system. She felt happy in a strange sort of way. She was convinced that she could actually feel the happiness inside of her blood, pumping through her entire body; all the way up the top of her head and all the way down to the tips of her toes.

"Sweetie, you smell like a liquor factory," Tom commented laughingly as he looked into her eyes, their faces were only a few inches apart. Norah chuckled at his statement and inched closer to him before wearily resting her head against his chest, watching the flames dance in the fireplace. Tom instinctively placed his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head amiably. "Did you have fun tonight?" he wondered and Norah slowly nodded her head in response. She wrapped an arm around him and sighed contently as her eyelids began to feel heavy. As she began to drift off, Norah fleetingly wondered why she had even bothered trying to stay angry with Tom when she knew it was impossible.

...

Norah groaned at the sound of her name being softly spoken and the feeling of movement underneath her sore head. She slowly opened her tired eyes and sleepily stared at the yellowish stain on white fabric right before her eyes. When she once again felt the warm surface she was resting her head against move, she instantly shot up.

"Oh my God! Did I... do that?" Norah asked, feeling awkward as she stared at the yellowish-green stains on Tom's white t-shirt. She felt like sinking through the couch as she realised that she must have thrown up bile on Tom's chest in her sleep. How she had managed to do that without waking up was beyond her knowledge. She had a disgusting taste in her mouth and her breath probably smelled as bad. Blushing she gazed at Tom, feeling that she had made a complete idiot out of herself.

"Don't worry about it," Tom assured her with warm smile as he stood up and immodestly pulled his t-shirt over his head.

Norah's eyes widened slightly as she took in the sight of Tom's beautiful bared torso. She shifted in her seat and faced away from him, desperately hoping to disrupt the powerful wave of sexual excitement that had hit her so hard and like the merciless force of a tsunami it washed over and through her entire body, sending shivers down her spine, giving her goosebumps and intensifying the rush of blood to a few specific areas of her body. It was completely and utterly pointless to even try to stop it. The image of Tom's half-naked body was already stuck in her mind and she was more turned on by it than she thought reasonable. She pouted slightly as she turned to look at Tom again. His upper body was still bared and he casually walked around the living room, seemingly looking for something. Norah frowned slightly once it dawned upon her that Tom had grown thinner since the last time he had been staying with her and Sarah. Now that he wasn’t wearing his belt or a shirt to cover it up, Norah noticed that his jeans were hanging lower than the were designed to do, revealing the grey rim of his boxers. She held back a groan and shifted in her seat again. She experienced a strange mixture of torturously intensifying sexual arousal and an acute sense of worry, the two sensations fighting each other for dominance. Letting the feelings of worry take over, Norah’s eyes began to water as she stared at Tom’s flat stomach and his hip bones that were more prominent than they used to be.

She couldn’t figure out why she hadn’t noticed it earlier, seeing as she as of lately had been staring an awful lot at Tom’s body through his clothes. But the most urgent matter at hand was as to why Tom had lost weight. Was he ill?

"I could have sworn I put it here somewhere..." Tom muttered to himself and scratched the back of his head as he let his eyes search the room. "What's up with you? You look like a dying duck in a thunderstorm," he commented amusedly once his gaze reached Norah.

"You're not ill, are you?" she asked promptly, her voice thick with worry. Tom frowned and walked up to slump down next to her on the couch. As if it was completely natural for him to be walking around half-naked in front of her, Tom wrapped an arm around Norah's shoulders.

"No, I'm not ill," he assured her and pulled her closer towards him. Norah, who initially had tensed under his touch, relaxed and looked up at him with watery eyes threatening to overflow at any second. "Why would you think that?" Tom wondered, smiling gently at her.

"Because you've lost weight," Norah replied and tears finally began to fall from her eyes, leaving salty trails on her cheeks. Tom instinctively reached out to wipe her cheeks with his thumb, but new tears continuously replaced the old ones.

"I'm just dropping a few pounds for a part, honey," Tom explained assuringly and looked concernedly at her. "Does me losing a few pounds really make you that sad?" he asked breezily, trying to brighten up the mood a little.

"I don't know," Norah wailed, melting into a blubbering mess against Tom’s chest. He smiled faintly as he stroke comforting circles on her back.

“Do you know what I think?” Tom asked, causing the girl to look up at him expectantly through her tear-filled eyes. “I think you’re feeling sad simply because you’re exhausted and still drunk,” he explained with a heartfelt smile and warmth in his eyes. Norah broke eye contact and shifted in her seat, getting the feeling that she knew exactly where this was headed. Tom took notice of her sudden discomfort and snorted at her futile try to distract him by changing the subject.

“What part are you preparing for this time?” she asked, although she already knew the answer.

“I know what what you’re doing,” Tom informed her straightforwardly and gave her an indicative look, but he couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her pouting at him. “Well aren’t you adorable?” he commented with a light chuckle and stroke Norah's reddening cheek softly. It was very smooth, warm and still damp from previous tearfall.

Norah closed her eyes and sighed soundly as she leaned into his touch. If only it could be like this forever, just the two of them together.

"I'm tired," she mumbled wearily, hoping to change his mind about trying to get her to eat something.

"Of course you are, sweetie. You haven't eaten properly in days," Tom told her with a hint of reproval in his voice.

"Goodnight," Norah said abruptly and shifted her head into a more comfortable position against his chest.

"You can sleep after you've eaten something," Tom informed her. Norah sighed. He was getting paternal with her again and she could tell from the firmness his voice that he wasn't planning on backing down this time. "Either you pick something to eat, or I'll decide for you," he pressed.

"You promised you would stop treating me like a child," Norah told him with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"I hardly see this as treating you as a child," Tom objected and Norah looked up at him questioningly. "I can see why you think that, but really Norah, this has nothing to do with your age. Adults with your problems are being treated similarly when it comes to eating. Would you like to know why?"

"Why?" Norah asked keenly and sat back up straight, looking at Tom expectantly.

"It has to do with the tyranny of choice," Tom began to explain and couldn’t help but smile at the way Norah was looking at him attentively with her saucer-eyes. "As it is now, deciding whether to eat or not is more of a burden to you than anything else. By depriving you of the opportunity and responsibility to choose for yourself, we’re trying to free you of that burden. We're not treating you like a child, Norah, we're trying to help you."

Norah assumed a thoughtful expression as she reflected over his words. "But I'm still burdened by the choice of whether I should listen to you or not," she mused. "And I still think you're treating me like a child by trying to make decisions for me," she added, crossing her arms and leaning back against Tom’s warm embrace.

"I know. If you would have felt as though you didn't have a choice, it would be so much more effective," Tom agreed with a half-smile, before he sighed and continued to speak in a weary tone. "And if you insist on thinking what we're doing is treating you like a child, then I'm sorry to inform you that we're not going to stop doing it until you get well."

Norah sighed heavily. Why did he have to be so damn persistent? And why did she get so turned on whenever he was getting strict with her? "Then I'll move out the very second I turn eighteen," she informed him irritably.

"I'm sorry you feel like that. Then I guess it's even more important that we try to help as much as possible before that, don’t you think?" Tom replied and smiled at Norah's exasperated expression. She should have known that he would find a way to use her own words against her.

"No!" Norah groaned frustratedly and covered her face with her hands. She sat like that for a few moments, taking deep, calming breaths before turning to look up at Tom again. "You know what? It's so unfair that you can lose weight just like that and it’s no biggie, but when I do, you and Sarah insist on making a huge deal out of it!"

“You know perfectly well the reason why it’s like that, honey,” Tom told her seriously. “And I think you’re being too hard on Sarah. She reacts the way she does because she loves you. She’s really not trying to be mean, she just wants you to be well and happy, as do I.”

“If you truly want me to be happy, then being a pain in my arse really isn’t the way to go!” Norah replied, her voice coming out a lot sharper than she originally intended.

“So you suggest that we just stand by and watch you hurt yourself and starve yourself to death?” Tom questioned poignantly. He shifted in his seat to get a better look at her, pulling his arm out from behind her back and leaning in so close that their faces were almost touching. “That’s not going to happen, Missy,” he informed her in that dangerous, deep voice, sending electric currents of excitement through her already excruciatingly worked up body. Norah could feel his hot breath against her mouth as Tom exhaled in a deep sigh before suddenly getting up from the couch. He offered her his hand to help her up and looked at her expectantly.

Norah groaned to express her discontent, but complied to his silent request. She tried her best to decelerate the intensive arousal that continuously grew stronger inside of her when she thought she couldn’t possibly get any hornier. But it was hard. And made even harder when she had to lean against Tom’s naked torso for support since her legs still refused to cooperate.

“It’s kind of unpleasant, don’t you think?” Norah asked, eagerly hanging on to one of the few non-sexual thoughts crossing her mind.

“What is?” Tom wondered with a hint of amusement in his voice as he patiently watched her struggle to push one foot in front of the other.

“That alcohol makes me walk like a zombie. My motor skills are all fucked up and I’m perfectly aware of it, but I still can’t control my own legs. It’s as if someone else is controlling my body and, well… it’s fucked up,” Norah told him. She wished she could have complete control of her body and just turn off all the physical attraction she felt towards Tom.

“I agree. It’s fucked up,” Tom said amusedly as he paused in front of the hall bench, reaching down to pick up his white dress shirt. “There it is,” he mumbled to himself, extracting a look of reproval from Norah.

“You barely got inside the door before going at it?! Like bloody rabbits!” Norah criticised him with an exaggerated look of disgust on her face. She knew very well that she was crossing a line, but didn’t really care. She found it exhilarating to watch Tom get flustered and try to save face. This was a way for her to get back at him at least a little bit for how he and Benedict had embarrassed her at dinner.

“I find it most displeasing to see how you seem to have lost both manners and sense of boundaries. My shirt being here does not mean I removed it for the purpose you so rudely indicate,” Tom huffily informed Norah after sitting her down on the hall bench to be able to use both his hands to put his button up shirt on.

“Your belt is on the floor, Tom,” Norah added laughingly.

“I suggest you stop talking now,” Tom said reprovingly and picked up his belt from the floor. Norah contently leaned back against the wall with a victorious smirk as she took in the sight of the rather indignant looking Tom with a delicate blush spread across his cheeks.

“Not so fun to be on the receiving end, now is it?” she teased, causing Tom to sigh heavily. For once she felt like she was the one in control and it was a truly welcome feeling.

“I already apologised about that,” Tom informed her with a dark glare, clearly getting fed up with her mocking him.

“I wonder what breed of rabbit you resemble the most,” Norah mused tauntingly, stroking an imaginary beard to indicate thoughtfulness.

“Okay enough, Norah. Message received. You can stop it now,” Tom said irritably.

“Make me,” Norah challenged with a smirk.

“Don’t tempt me,” Tom warned with a straight face as he folded his belt in half. Norah bit her lip hard to contain any noise that threatened to leave her mouth as her heart began to beat even faster and the already moist area between her legs grew even wetter. ‘This can hardly be considered a healthy reaction to someone threatening to hit you with a belt,’ she thought soberly and tried to come up with a way to distract herself from thinking dirty and highly inappropriate thoughts about Tom. She felt as though Tom was regaining control over the situation with his playful threat and her mind raced to come up with a way to successfully put a stop to that.

“You have no power over me!” she blurted out, causing Tom to break into a smile.

“Did you just quote Labyrinth?” he asked laughingly and slumped down next to her.

“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered I have fought my way here to the Goblin City to take back the child you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me!” Norah cited by heart and smiled sadly as she placed her head against Tom’s shoulder with a sound sigh.

“Something the matter, love?” Tom wondered with a concerned look on his face and instinctively wrapped an arm around the girl’s shoulders to provide comfort. She loved how safe and shielded from the world he made her feel whenever he did that.

“We must have watched that movie hundreds of times... Sarah had a huge crush on David Bowie and insisted we should watch it almost every weekend,” Norah confided sentimentally. “Mom would always laugh at how persistent we were... I miss her laughter so much. I miss everything about her... And Dad… You’d love my Dad. Everyone does,” Norah explained with a dreamy expression as she walked down memory lane. “Or should I say ‘did’?” she asked suddenly and looked at Tom.

“You don’t stop loving a person just because they’re not physically present, right?” Tom responded and Norah smiled at him.

“Right,” she agreed and hugged him. “I will always love them.” It felt strange for Norah to talk about her parents with such ease, since it often made her sad even thinking about them. Recalling memories of her parents filled her with warmth and joy, rather than the deeply rooted sorrow and emptiness it usually provoked.

They sat in silence for a few moments, both lost in thought. Eventually Norah’s eyelids became heavy and she was just about to drift off when Tom suddenly decided that they should go to the kitchen. Norah didn’t put much effort into making it easy for him to get her there. He practically carried her to the kitchen table. Once she was seated in one of the chairs, Norah rested her head in her arms. She could hear Tom sigh disgruntedly and smiled to herself. She knew he hated when she did that, which only made it more fun.

“I’m guessing you’re not going to pick anything to eat,” Tom stated sighingly and Norah could hear the sound of the refrigerator door being opened. In her ears, it was a highly dreaded sound. She tried to fall asleep, but found herself listening intently to the sound of Tom grabbing things from the fridge, cupboard and kitchen drawers. What the hell was he doing? Was he actually cooking at this ungodly hour?

Eventually, curiosity got the better of her and Norah raised her head to see what he was up to. She looked up just in time to see him put two slices of bread into the preheated frying pan. He was making french toast Norah realised as she felt the familiar smell spread in the kitchen. Sarah cooked it for her all the time, following their mother’s recipe to the letter. It was one of the very few dishes Norah found a little bit less challenging to eat. She used to make her mother cook it for her almost every day. Norah stared at Tom as he cooked. Had Sarah told him, had he just been that observant or was it just by chance he decided to cook that precise dish for her?

“There you go,” Tom said gently with a smile as he placed the plate on the table in front of her. He seated himself next to her and handed her the cutlery. “I’m not letting you leave until you finish,” he informed her firmly.

Norah couldn’t bring herself to get angry with him for talking to her like that, not when she knew that he was just trying to make her feel less conflicted and guilty about eating. Her stomach growled and she tried not to let herself think too much as she let the knife cut into the toast. She methodically cut it into pieces, but hesitated once she got to the point where it was time for her to actually start eating. She looked up at Tom pleadingly, part of her hoping that he would tell her that she didn’t have to eat, and another one wanting him to keep insisting that she should.

“Go on,” Tom pressured and Norah hesitantly obliged. The taste of french toast made her realise just how hungry she really was. As she slowly proceeded to eat, she kept pushing away the intrusive thoughts that were there for the sole purpose of making her feel guilty and useless for not resisting enough.

The moment she finished her plate, Norah instantly regretted it. The fullness she felt turned into a weight around her ankles, pulling her deeper and deeper into a sea of anguish. She wanted to throw it all up to ease her mind and tried to come up with a way of doing so without Tom noticing, or at least without him noticing that she did it on purpose.

She noticed Tom looking searchingly at her before he proceeded to clear the table, not letting his hawkeyes leave her for even a second. She sighed. It was as if he knew exactly what she was thinking, which wasn’t all that strange considering the fact that she had made herself throw up plenty of meals in the past.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Tom determined, helping her stand up.

“I feel sick,” Norah complained as they walked back into the living room. The flames in the fireplace had died down and a faint light from the lamp in the entry hall was all that lit up a small proportion of the spacious room.

“It will pass,” Tom assured her and helped her sit down on the couch. He took out his phone and turned the flashlight on to provide them with light. He moved a pillow in place in the corner couch and motioned for Norah to lie down. She complied and Tom put a blanket over her before sitting down in the unoccupied area of the couch. He could tell that Norah was still anxious and grabbed a pair of earphones from the coffee table. “You like music right?” he asked, causing her to smile faintly at him. Tom returned her smile and handed her the earphones. Norah shut her eyes and focused her attention on the song Tom put on for her. She was both happily surprised and deeply moved by his choice of song as she listened closely to the lyrics. Perhaps she was just reading too much into it, but she felt as though Tom was sending her a message with the song and that was a very comforting thought to hold on to as she drifted off to sleep.

‘When you’re weary, feeling small,  
When tears are in your eyes; I will dry them all  
I’m on your side. When times get rough,  
And friends just can’t be found,  
Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will lay me down.’

…

It was bright outside when Norah woke up on the couch and she was greatly relieved to discover that she had regained enough control of her legs to be able to walk without crashing to the floor. She was about to go to the toilet when the sound of hushed voices from the kitchen caught her attention. Standing within hearing and out of sight from the kitchen, Norah listened carefully.

“... should help them. But I don’t really feel comfortable telling them that I-” Sophie spoke until she was interrupted by Benedict.

“That you were eavesdropping on them?” he sounded both reproving and amused at the same time.

“I was about to say overhearing them. It was kind of hard not to,” Sophie defended herself.

“Are you saying they were yelling at each other?” Benedict asked skeptically, and Norah’s curiosity peaked. Were they talking about Sarah and Tom? Had they been fighting?

“I wouldn’t go as far as calling it yelling, but they were definitely raising their voices more than necessary,” Sophie replied.

“I don’t know, Sophie. It doesn’t sound like the Tom I know. Are you sure you didn’t just dream it all?” Benedict suggested, making Norah wish that she had woken up just a couple of minutes earlier. It seemed like she had just missed the most interesting part of the conversation. What information could Sophie possibly have shared about Tom to make Benedict doubt her like that?

“Surely you must have noticed the tension at breakfast... But Ben, they were barely looking at or speaking to each other,” Sophie insisted. “I know you’re hungover and tired, but the tension was so thick one could almost cut it with a knife.”

“Perhaps they were just tired, Sophie. I don’t know... but if they were fighting they are probably sorting it out at this very moment. Why else would they insist on taking a walk when it’s bloody pouring outside?” Benedict questioned. He sounded weary.

“Perhaps to be able to continue fighting in private?” Sophie suggested, causing Benedict to groan.

“Please, Sophie. Just let it drop already. They are both adults, I’m sure they will figure it out by themselves. If they ask, I will of course be happy to help them. But until then, it’s really none of our business,” Benedict reasoned, sounding serious and determined to put an end to the conversation.

“Fine…” Sophie complied after a moment’s silence, but she didn’t sound entirely convinced.

“You’re not going to let it drop, are you?” Benedict’s voice was a lot softer now and had a hint of amusement to it. Norah envisioned him smiling lovingly at his fiancée the way he had during dinner preceding night. “I have to admit that I’m intrigued, but let’s not pry too much, shall we?”

“I love you, Ben.”

“I love you too, my little master detective.” Norah couldn’t help but smile at the dorky sweetness in Benedict’s words, and find it funny that he was calling Sophie a detective when he in fact was the one playing one on television.


	13. It all just... went wrong

Norah couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation she had just overheard and wonder what Sophie possibly could have told Benedict about Tom. Deep in thought, she stared blankly at the wall in front of her, feeling as though if she only thought about it hard enough, she would somehow figure it all out. She thought about what she could remember from preceding night and searched her memory for important clues as to what could have possibly happened to make Tom act uncharacteristically. And most importantly, in what way? What did it take to make Benedict react the way he did? Had Tom acted violently towards Sarah? Had he in any way been mean to her? Had he threatened her? All kinds of horrible thoughts and scenarios spun around Norah’s head. Each one worse than the last.

“Good morning,” Benedict chimed brightly, causing Norah to jump. He frowned slightly as he studied her carefully. “Are you alright, dear? You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.” Norah tried to swallow down her feelings of uneasiness and forced a smile as she looked up at Benedict’s elegant features.

“I’m fine,” she assured him blushingly and scratched the back of her head nervously. Was it obvious that she had been eavesdropping? Should she come clean about it and ask for clarifications rather than letting her imaginative mind convince her that Tom was in fact a serial killer or something along those lines? “I just spaced out and completely forgot about what I was doing,” Norah awkwardly added, deciding for the latter.

“Ah, I see.” Benedict smiled knowingly at her, before giving her a playfully stern look. “You know, you really should have told me that you were too young to drink,” he admonished playfully and leaned in towards her slightly, lowering his voice into a whisper, “you’ve been a very naughty girl.” Norah’s stomach flipped at the sound of his darkly attractive voice and she cursed her raging hormones for continuously awakening unwanted desires within her. She really didn’t want to end up falling for yet another unattainable man.

While Norah could believe that Tom was somewhat oblivious to the effect he had on her, the thought of Benedict being innocently unaware about what he was doing to her, she just didn’t buy it. He knew damn well what he was doing and he was having fun with it. In other words, he was being a tease. She didn’t mind it all that much as it momentarily kept her mind off Tom.

“If you really think I’ve been that naughty, perhaps you should teach me a lesson with those big, strong hands of yours,” Norah whispered back suggestively, simultaneously running her hands down Benedict’s arms until they reached his hands. She let her hands remain in his for emphasis as she leaned in so close that her mouth was only centimeters away from his ear. “If you think that’s me being naughty, just you wait and see. I can be a really bad girl when I want to.” She let go of his hands and promptly took a step back to observe his reaction. She grinned victoriously upon seeing the look of surprise that appeared on Benedict’s face for a brief moment before he regained his composure. “Ha! I won!” she exclaimed happily and ran off to the toilet before Benedict had the chance to respond or object to her statement.

Norah smiled contently to herself as she locked the door behind her. She liked Benedict, even though he was being a tease. He was fun and exciting to be around. And when it came to their little game of flirting, Norah felt completely safe that he wouldn’t be one to take it too far. Especially when she thought about the way he looked at his fiancée. Whenever Sophie and Benedict locked eyes, they would both shine up, automatically smile at each other and look as though they were sharing a big secret. As wrong as it was, at that moment Norah almost wished that Benedict would do something with her if that would help her get her mind off Tom for more than just a few minutes.

And there she was thinking about him again. Tom. Beautiful, sweet, caring Tom. Whatever he had done it couldn’t have been that bad, right? If he would have raised his hand against Sarah surely Sophie would have put a stop to it and Benedict would most likely react more strongly than he had upon hearing about it. And if Tom had said anything hurtful to Sarah, it surely couldn’t have been that bad. It bothered Norah greatly to not know what Tom had done. She sighed as she searched her mind again for clues. Tom and Sarah. What could they possibly have been fighting about? They never fought, right? Norah frowned once she realised that she couldn’t know that for sure. It wasn’t like she usually spent as much time with Tom as she had during the last week whenever he wasn’t away at work. She usually tried to stay of his and Sarah’s way so they could spend some valuable time together, even though she didn’t like the thought of them being alone together. She didn’t want to pry or show too much interest in Tom out of fear that they would catch onto her being in love with him. And before the night Tom had initiated a deeper contact with Norah than just greeting and exchanging courtesy phrases with each other, she had barely spent any time with him and Sarah together at all. She felt self-conscious as she realised that she didn’t know that much about the dynamics of Sarah’s and Tom’s relationship at all. She hadn’t asked Sarah for details about it out of fear that by showing too much interest, her sister would somehow figure out that she had feelings for Tom. Instead Norah had done the complete opposite and outwardly shown little to no interest in her sister’s relationship with Tom. She had been so busy trying to seem unfazed by the fact that Sarah was dating Tom, that she hadn’t gathered that much knowledge on what was really going on between them. She had noticed that things had begun to get a little more serious between Sarah and Tom sometime during autumn preceding year, because that’s when Tom had begun spending more time at their house.

Norah’s mind was racing. Something out of the ordinary must have happened, because she had never even once heard about Sarah and Tom fighting before. On the other hand, she had never really heard them having sex either, but that did not mean that they didn’t have it. Norah groaned frustratedly, trying to erase all thoughts concerning her sister’s sex life. It really was none of her business. She didn’t want to know… and yet, part of her kind of did, just out of curiosity about Tom’s preferences in bed. Cursing herself, Norah forced herself to focus on facts that could be relevant in the matter. When could it have started? What could have set it off? The first few days after Tom’s homecoming everything had seemed to be fine between him and Sarah. Sarah had practically been glued to Tom until the instructions for her essay had been released. That’s when she had replaced him with all those books and papers. Perhaps that’s what had started it; Tom must have felt overlooked when Sarah put most of her energy into her essay instead of him. He wasn’t used to that, since Sarah often planned and made sure to get most of her studying done before he got home if they had set a date for his homecoming.

Norah frowned and sighed heavily as it dawned upon her. She had been so hard on Sarah for being hyper focused on her school work whenever something major was coming up, that she had completely forgotten about the fact that she was usually the one blocking out Sarah whenever she initiated contact. Norah felt a sting of bad consciousness as she went on to think about Tom. Frankly put, he was a workaholic who was away for long periods of time and he was oftentimes very hard to get in touch with whenever he was working. That surely must have made Sarah feel overlooked. Norah recalled briefly bringing it up with Tom the other day and over the phone preceding night, but other than that, she usually wasn’t that angry with him for being focused on his job. And she hadn’t been nearly as upset with him as she was with Sarah for trying to do well and finally finish her studies. Norah buried her head in her hands, realising that perhaps she in fact had been too hard on her older sister. After all, it was because of Norah that Sarah’s studies had been put on hold. Not only once, but twice. Norah knew how much Sarah had been looking forward to studying at the university, because she had been talking excitedly about her expectations all through high school. Norah felt horrible as she recalled all she had put her sister through during the last few years. All the drama, hardships, lies and letdowns. It really was no wonder why Sarah got so angry with her all the time, especially considering the biggest letdown of them all... That’s when things had gone from bad to worse, and their strong sisterly bond had faded into nothing but a shadow of what had once been. Of course the love was still there, but the closeness and trust were gone. Norah had felt it the moment she awoke in the hospital bed and gazed into Sarah’s sad eyes, nothing would ever be the same between them again after that.

With a heavy heart and an uneasy feeling in her chest, Norah dragged her feet as she walked back towards the living room. She froze in her steps at the sight of Sarah and Tom sitting on the couch. Tom had his arm around Sarah’s shoulders, she was resting her head against his chest and they were holding hands, their fingers intertwined as their hands were resting in Tom’s lap. Norah couldn’t help but feel a sting of jealousy upon seeing the couple. They seemed so at ease and happy in each other’s company, which was the last thing she had expected to see after hearing Sophie’s and Benedict’s conversation about them earlier. The feelings of guilt that Norah had felt just a few seconds ago were swept away and replaced by those of great disappointment and frustration. Just a moment ago, Norah had been ready to open her heart and tell Sarah how truly sorry she was about everything she had put her through, and that she understood why Sarah would never forgive her for what she did, and that they could try to patch up their relationship in spite of that. But that had only until she saw them together.

Norah knew that she would be truly devastated if they broke up and she never got to see Tom again, but… as selfish as it was, she couldn’t help but hope and wish that he would leave Sarah for her. She knew damn well that it was nothing more than a ridiculous little fantasy of hers, an unobtainable dream, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to abandon the thought. She was about to leave when Sarah and Tom noticed her standing there. They were both smiling at her, having that stupid glow about them that people in love sometimes have. Whatever they had been arguing about seemed to have brought them closer to each other rather than apart. Norah didn’t even try to force a smile. What was the point? Why should she pretend to be happy when her heart was breaking into a million pieces? She wanted to leave, but found herself unable to move as she locked eyes with Sarah. The joyous glow in Sarah’s blue grey orbs began to slowly fade as she kept looking at Norah. Eventually Sarah let go of Tom’s hand and walked over to Norah, pulling her into her warm and loving embrace.

“Can’t you please tell me what’s wrong?” Sarah pleaded in a soft voice while Tom proceeded to leave the room to give them some privacy. Norah just stood there with her hands at her sides, refusing to return the hug and respond to Sarah’s pleas. “Norah, please. I’m not a mindreader. You need to tell me what’s wrong, otherwise I can’t help you. We need to start talking to each other, and I mean really talk. We can’t go on like this...” 

Norah stubbornly stared out the window as she felt the anger boil inside of her. Her sister was happily in love, and all Norah could feel about it was rage and jealousy. She knew it wasn’t supposed to be like that, she knew that she was supposed to be happy for her sister. But she wasn’t. Because whatever sisterly relationship they once had, it had suffered some serious damage and was broken, perhaps beyond all repair.

“Norah, please...”

“Oh, so you want to talk?” Norah finally asked angrily, glaring daggers at Sarah. “Then let’s fucking talk! Let’s talk about mom and dad! Oh, right! We can’t do that because you don’t want to talk about them! Then let’s talk about what a fucking hypocrite you are, shall we? I’m expected to do all this crap I don’t want to do every single day, but you... you won’t even spend five minutes talking to me about our parents!”

“Norah, please don’t do this. Not now,” Sarah pleaded in a sad voice that only seemed to fuel Norah’s anger.

“Don’t tell me that you’re not ready to talk about it yet, because let’s face it, we both know damn well you’ll never get there! You should practice what you preach and fucking do it anyway! And don’t you dare telling me to talk with my therapist about it! I don’t want to talk about it with her! Don’t you see that I want- no, I need to talk to you about it! Not the therapist, not Tom and definitely not our fucking neighbour, whom you by the way don’t need to have check on me whenever you leave the house for more than five minutes! I need to fucking talk to you about it!” Norah insisted furiously, her voice getting louder and more intense for each word that came out. She was practically shaking with anger. “Mom and dad deserve a lot better than this! They deserve to be remembered, not put away in a bloody box and forgotten about! They were not some old toys you can just store away, they were out parents!”

“Norah, you need to calm down,” Sarah said calmly in a strangely distant voice. It was as if she was shutting her emotions down in order to not let them get overhand.

“I need to calm down? Fuck you! It’s always me, isn’t it? It’s always me doing something wrong, and never you! I’ve been told all my life that I need to change! Or grow up or adapt or... be the bigger person by ignoring the fact that the other kids are being total assholes to me! It’s always I who need to change, isn’t it?! I’m never good enough and I don’t fit in anywhere! I’m sick and tired of it! I don’t need you to tell me what I’m doing wrong, because trust me, I know!” Norah yelled. She continued to glare darkly at Sarah and closed the distance between them in a hostile manner before continuing her ranter in a lower voice. “And now I’m telling you what you’re doing wrong. If you don’t want to talk about mom and dad with me, then you have to give me a bloody good reason why. You can at least give me that.” Sarah took a step back and looked at Norah with a mixture of hurt and anger in her eyes.

“You want a good reason?” Sarah asked darkly. “Well here’s your bloody good reason; I called mom! I didn’t know she was driving and I called her! I heard it happen, Norah! I heard them die, knowing it was my fault because I thought it would be a good idea to call mom to keep fighting with her! There you fucking have it; they are dead because of me! I hope you’re happy now, because I sure as hell ain’t! But I guess that’s what you wanted to achieve with all this! Wasn’t it? Congratulations! Mission successful!”

Norah stood in shock and stared after Sarah as she promptly left the room, hurrying upstairs to get away from Norah. It was hard for Norah to process what she had just heard and even harder to actually believe in it. But Sarah’s display of emotions and attempts to distance herself from them had seemed so authentic. And why would she lie about something like that? She wouldn’t. Not Sarah. It all made sense now. That’s why Sarah never wanted to talk about their parents and got angry whenever Norah tried to pressure her into doing it.

“Norah...” Tom’s voice was gentle and he looked sympathetically at Norah.

“I didn’t know,” Norah automatically defended herself, although Tom wasn’t in any way showing signs of accusing her.

“I know,” Tom assured. He grabbed Norah’s hand and opened it before placing his own hand in it, discreetly handing over her morning medications. “Take these,” he instructed and provided her with a glass of water.

“I didn’t mean for that to happen. It all just... went wrong,” Norah tried to explain after swallowing down the pills with most of the water.

“I know,” Tom assured her again and reached out to gently brush his fingers against her cheek. “And Sarah knows that too. I’ll go check on her. Are you going to be alright?” he asked, letting his hand rest on top of Norah’s shoulder as she nodded in response. “Good. Can you promise me you won’t do anything…” Tom paused briefly, struggling to find a good way of putting it without being too prompt, “destructive?”

“Okay,” Norah replied automatically, not really reflecting over what she was agreeing to. She felt strangely distant, as if she wasn’t really standing there in the living room with Tom.

“I’ll ask Ben and Sophie to keep you company,” Tom continued and this time Norah blinked as she paid more attention to what he was saying.

“Oh… you don’t need to do that,” she said languidly and frowned at him. She didn’t want anyone to ‘look after’ her, and she knew that’s what Tom really meant by asking them to keep her company.

“I know,” he said with a gentle smile and gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze before letting go. “But I will.” Norah looked at him and sighed.

“Did they hear us?” she suddenly asked, causing Tom to pause in the middle of turning away from her and look at her with a thoughtful expression.

“They were in the kitchen with me, so yes. They heard you. But you have no need to worry about it,” Tom answered earnestly. “Trust me, I know them and they are both genuinely nice, open-minded people.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled,” Norah muttered abashedly and glared down at her feet.

“Hey,” Tom said softly and lifted her chin up so that she was looking at him. “Don’t overthink this or start beating yourself up about what happened. It won’t help anyone. What happened, happened and we simply have to take it from there,” he told her in a serious voice. “What I want you to do now is to focus on something else entirely and let me take care of Sarah. Can you do that for me?”

“Okay,” Norah agreed and smiled sadly at him. “Can you tell her that I’m sorry and that… it wasn’t her fault?”

“Of course,” Tom promised and smiled warmly at her. “It’s going to be okay, Norah. Really. I promise.”

…

Norah sat on the cold tile floor with her back against the wall in the small toilet room. She had her head buried in her hands and let out a deep sigh, trying in vain to keep her thoughts and emotions at bay. Sarah’s words echoed in her head and Norah couldn’t help but imagine what it must have been like for her sister. It must have been really traumatising for Sarah to hear the last moments in their parents’ lives. What exactly had she heard? The screeching of breaks? Their parents screaming in panic? The honking of the horn from the oncoming truck? The sound of the truck crushing their parents’ car? At what point had the call been cut off? Had their parents even had time to process what was happening? Had they known that they were about to die?

As if the trauma of hearing her parents die hadn’t been more than enough, Sarah had lived feeling the guilt of having killed her own parents. Even though it wasn’t true, it had been to her. Now that she knew the truth, Norah felt horrible for not being nicer to her sister. Maybe then Sarah would have told her sooner, and in confidence, rather than shouting it out in the middle of a nervous breakdown brought on by Norah.

“Norah, are you okay in there?” Sophie asked concernedly through the wooden barrier between them.

“I’m fine,” Norah replied in a fragile voice. “I’ll be right out,” she added, hoping to be left alone for another few minutes.

“Okay, we’re right here if you need us.”

“Okay.”

Norah listened carefully at the sound of footsteps quieting down as Sophie retreated to the living room. Norah distressingly ran her fingers through her hair, feeling a sharp pain in her injured hand as she clenched it. She let go of her hair and held her left hand out in front of her, taking the bandage off to examine it closely. It was a little less swollen than preceding night and the blue tint was leaning more towards purple. She tried clenching it again, shutting her eyes and breathing deeply to better withstand the piercing pain.

“Fuck,” Norah muttered to herself after opening her hand and repeating the action of turning it into a fist. It hurt, a lot, and she wondered how much pain her parents had registered before they died. She had been told by a police officer that it had all happened so quickly that they probably hadn’t had the time to feel any pain at all, but she always had a hard time believing that. Norah opened and knit her hand into a fist again, and kept repeating the action as tears ran down her face and strangled sobs escaped her lips.

“Norah, can you please open the door?” This time it was Benedict who spoke to her from the other side of the door. Norah frustratedly let her head fall back into the tile wall behind her, a bit harder than originally intended, but the pain it caused didn’t really bother her. “Norah?”

“I’ll be right out,” Norah replied in a broken voice.

“I want you to open the door now, sweetie,” Benedict insisted and sighed soundly before he continued to speak to her in a firmer voice. “Either you do it yourself, or I’ll pick the lock. It’s your choice.”

Norah frowned and sighed frustratedly as she got up from the floor. She hadn’t expected Benedict to be so insistent. Did he and Sophie know about her... self-destructive tendencies? Had Tom or Sarah told them? Norah found the thought of her sister or Tom sharing such sensitive information about her really upsetting. She reluctantly unlocked the door and opened it.

“Hey.” Benedict greeted her with a gentle smile and placed his hands on her shoulders. Norah sighed and looked up at him with puffy, red eyes.

“Hey,” she replied wearily and tried to force a smile.

“Are you okay?” Benedict asked, and she nodded her head ‘yes’ as another flow of tears left her eyes. Norah lowered her gaze in a vain attempt to hide the fact that she was still crying and the salty drops softly landed on the wooden floor. Benedict pulled her into a hug and she instinctively hugged him back. The feeling of his arms around her had a calming effect on her and the flow of tears soon came to a stop.

“Let’s get you something to eat,” Benedict suggested after breaking the hug. Norah shook her head at him and ran off to the living room where she threw herself on the sofa, pulled the blanket over her body and head as she curled up into a ball.

“What’s going on?” Sophie asked confusedly, putting her book aside.

“I’m not sure,” Benedict replied amusedly as he thoughtfully watched the blanket covered shape in the couch that was Norah. “But it seems like someone really doesn’t want to eat.”

Norah stuck her hand out from her blanket armor and extended her middle finger in Benedict’s direction.

“You little punk!” Benedict laughed as he put his arms around Norah’s waist and pulled her up along with the blanket. He placed her over his shoulder the way he had preceding night, when she had been too intoxicated to successfully walk by herself. Norah writhed in his grip as she tried to find the edge of the blanket in order to be able to move it from covering her view. She managed to move the blanket away from her head and proceeded to grab the hem of Benedict’s t-shirt and put the thin white fabric into her mouth. “What are you doing?” he asked, looking over his shoulder. Norah pulled the fabric out of her mouth before answering.

“If you don’t let me down, I’ll bite a hole in your shirt,” she threatened, causing Sophie to burst into laughter.

“I’ve never heard that one before,” Benedict commented amusedly. “But I’ve got plenty of white t-shirts, so go ahead... Perhaps it’s time I teach you that lesson now that you’re so conveniently placed.” Norah felt her face turn red from embarrassment at Benedict’s words and what made it worse was that she found herself getting aroused. Picturing his tantalising smile, Norah felt her competitiveness take overhand; she wasn't going to let him win. She couldn’t help but laugh as she somehow managed to pull Benedict’s t-shirt up over his head so it was covering his face and she writhed herself out of his grip while he was busy trying to unblind himself.

“Impressive. I’ll definitely keep that tactic in mind,” Sophie commended Norah. The girl smiled at Sophie and slumped down on the couch next to her. They shared an amused look as they watched Benedict’s struggle with his t-shirt.

“Sophie…” he finally whined in a childish voice.

“Aww, you’re such a baby,” Sophie laughed and got up to assist him. She smiled and nodded at Norah who grabbed a glass of water from the table and nodded her head towards Benedict, wordlessly asking Sophie for permission to soak her fiance with water. Norah stood ready with the glass as Sophie proceeded to help Benedict with his t-shirt. “Were you trying to put it back on or taking it off?” she questioned and laughed.

“I was a bit conflicted about that,” Benedict replied, his voice a bit muffled due to the fabric pressing against his mouth.

“I think it’s easier if we just take it off,” Sophie decided and pulled the t-shirt off over Benedict’s head.

“Thank you, da-” Benedict gasped as the cold water and ice splashed against his face and ran down his chest and back.

“Oh, shit! Was there ice in it?” Norah exclaimed, genuinely surprised as she glanced from the empty glass to the ice cubes bathing in a puddle of water on the floor. She then raised her gaze to look at the soaked and shirtless Benedict. She let out a small gasp, taken aback by how attractive he looked. He smiled sinisterly as he quickly bent down to pick up some ice cubes from the floor and reached around Norah to drop the pieces of frozen water inside of her shirt. She yelped and squirmed in discomfort as she tried to shake the cubes out. Before she was able to get them all out, Benedict pressed her down to lay on her back on the couch. She gasped as the remaining ice cubes pressed against the small of her back.

“What goes around, comes around,” Benedict said with a smug grin and kept one hand on Norah's shoulder and the other on her knee, pinning her down. He shook his head in the same manner a wet dog would to dry its fur, letting droplets of water land on Norah’s face. “I can do this all day. But I’ll settle for until the ice cubes have melted.”

“Sophie...” Norah whined as she squirmed. She smiled upon seeing the woman holding up a pillow, ready to attack her fiance with it. Sophie returned the smile and winked at Norah before crashing the pillow repeatedly against the side of Benedict’s face.

“Traitor!” Benedict accused as he finally let go of Norah and armed himself with a pillow to counterattack.

“Girls stick together,” Sophie explained with a shrug and an innocent smile as she dropped the pillow. “Truce?”

“Hell no,” Benedict smirked, raising his pillow.

“You can’t attack someone who’s unarmed,” Sophie objected.

“Of course I can. I’d prefer not to, but if you don’t arm yourself with that pillow now, you leave me no other choice,” Benedict informed her with a smile. Norah lithely climbed up on his back, making it hard for him to move his arms enough to successfully attack his fiancée. Benedict struggled for a bit before letting the pillow drop from his hand onto the floor and then promptly sat down on the couch, pinning Norah between his bare back and the back support of the couch.

“Umpf,” Norah uttered and instinctively waved her arms and legs, trying in vain to break free. “Move!” she ordered Benedict and pushed on his shoulders with her hands. He chuckled in response and pressed his back harder against her.

“It’s pretty convenient having you there. That way you can’t harass me any further,” Benedict informed her.

“Is that so? Last time I checked I can still bite you in the shoulder,” Norah threatened.

“Kinky,” Benedict mused laughingly. Norah let her teeth sink into his shoulder just hard enough for him to feel it. “Ouch!” he yelped and flinched with surprise.

“What’s going on in here?” Norah’s eyes widened slightly upon seeing Tom entering the living room with a confused expression and she instinctively hid her face behind Benedict’s back.

“She just bit me in the shoulder!” Benedict told Tom with faked indignation.

“Perhaps she’s hungry. Have you tried feeding her?” Tom asked humorously and slumped down on the couch next to his friend.

“I tried to, but she pulled my shirt over my head and then she threw water and ice at me. It’s like the ice bucket challenge all over again,” Benedict explained, making it sound as though Norah had attacked him, which wasn’t entirely true. Norah leered at Tom from behind Benedict’s back and he smiled amusedly at her. “About that, I should probably get up and change,” Benedict excused himself and got up from the couch.

“And I should probably help him so he doesn’t put his shirt on inside out,” Sophie told them with a smile.

“Hey! That only happened once,” Benedict objected and lovingly wrapped an arm around his fiancée’s waist.

“More like once a week,” Sophie replied laughingly as they exited the room.

Norah kept her eyes fixed on the door opening to the hall through which the couple had just left. She sighed heavily, sensing from Tom’s earlier comment what was coming.

“We need to get you something to eat before we get going,” he informed her straightforwardly and threw a quick glance at his watch. Norah frowned and looked at him confusedly.

“Are we going somewhere?” she questioned confusedly.

“Yes, I’m taking you to see a doctor about your hand,” Tom explained and frowned slightly as he noticed that the bandage was no longer covering Norah’s injured hand. “Why have you taken the bandage off?” he questioned as he gently took her hand in his and examined it closely.

“It was sitting too tightly,” Norah replied with a shrug, not actually remembering why she had taken it off in the first place.

“Okay. Where is it now?” Tom wondered, letting go of her hand before he stood up.

“I don’t know. The toilet maybe?” Norah replied sighingly as Tom motioned for her to come with him. “I don’t need to see a doctor. It looks and feels a lot better already.”

“Bend and stretch your fingers for me then,” Tom told her. Norah stood and tried to keep a neutral look on her face as she did as requested. Something must have given her away because Tom shook his head at her and frowned. “Why are you so keen on not getting any medical treatment for it? Taking some painkillers isn’t going to set the bones in your hand right if they have been misplaced. If you let your hand heal incorrectly a doctor might have to re-break the bones to set them straight. You don’t want to do that, now do you?”

Norah couldn’t help but laugh at the cartoonish mental image of a doctor slamming down a hammer on a patient’s hand with all his might, that Tom’s words had elicited.

“Do you think this is funny?” Tom questioned with a hint of annoyance in his voice. Norah stopped laughing and looked at him with a thoughtful expression. He looked tired. Which wasn’t all that strange considering the fact that he had stayed up late last night to take care of her, and being an earlybird, he probably hadn’t had that much of a lie-in either. What bothered her about it was that it didn’t look like a strictly physical tiredness. She had seen that worn look before in her uncle, right before he got ill.

“You’re working too much,” Norah accused. Tom looked slightly taken aback for a moment before regaining his composure.

“Don’t change the subject and please answer the question; do you think compromising your health is funny?” he questioned in a firm voice.

“Compromising my health…” Norah snorted and crossed her arms. “That’s exactly what you’re doing by working too much. If you keep this up you’re going to burn yourself out,” she told him irritably and turned her back towards him.

“Can you at least have the courtesy to look at me when I’m talking to you?” Tom snarled causing Norah to flinch and turn around to look at him with surprise. “Haven’t you been taught any manners?” he questioned angrily, before he dejectedly slumped down on the sofa. He took a deep breath and the harsh look in his eyes softened considerably as he looked up at Norah. “I’m sorry, Norah. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. It was uncalled for and I apologise about that.”

Norah looked warily at Tom as she apprehensively sat down next to him. “Are you okay?” she asked concernedly.

“I’m fine, Norah. Really,” he assured her. “I’m just tired that’s all.”

“Then you should rest,” Norah told him.

“I’ll get to bed early tonight,” Tom promised with an endearing smile.

“I meant that you should really rest. Take some more time off and stop getting up so damn early in the morning to go for a run. I mean, seriously Tom, you’re acting like an orthorexic,” Norah admonished.

“Are you seriously lecturing me about how I should take better care of myself?” Tom asked bemusedly. “I’m sorry, I just find it a bit ironic…” he added with a smile and placed an arm around Norah’s shoulders, pulling her closer towards him. She smiled faintly at his remark and leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. “It’s really sweet of you to care about me, but I’m in perfectly good health. You don’t need to worry about me,” he explained and kissed the top of her head. “You should really take better care of yourself, Norah. You’ve got so much ahead of you... so much life to live, so many things to see, so many people to meet and so many places to visit. Don’t waste your youth hiding in your room when there’s a whole world out there just waiting for you.”

“If you really want me to get out there and live, grounding me isn’t the way to go,” Norah remarked as she moved her head from Tom’s shoulder to his chest and wrapped her arms around him.

“If you don’t want to get grounded, you should really get yourself some self-preservation. Or at least start acting like you have it,” Tom replied humorously as he hugged her back.

“I’ll buy some when it’s on sale,” Norah mumbled into his chest. She shut her eyes for a moment, taking in his scent, the feeling of his chest slowly heaving up and down underneath her head and the soothing sound of his heart beating at a steady pace. If only this beautifully beating heart could belong to her instead of Sarah, then things would be close to perfect. She knew that she shouldn’t think like that, and that she really should be more concerned for her sister than she actually was at that moment. But Tom’s closeness and warmth was so comforting, making her feel as though everything was going to be alright. She held on to that thought and pretended for a peaceful moment that Tom belonged to her, and she to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for taking so long to update. It’s hard finding time to write, but I’m fighting my motion sickness and I'm getting better at writing when on the bus. I have so many ideas for this story, just not enough time to write it all down. Thank you so much for reading my story and leaving feedback - it means the world to me.


	14. Like a Sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beloved readers. Thank you for being so wonderful to me. Really, your feedback means the world to me. You have my heartfelt apologies for the long wait. Sadly, I’m not able to update nearly as often as I would like to. I really wish I had more time on my hands. Truth is, I’m going through a hard time right now, and it feels as though I’m drowning in obligations. Writing is like therapy to me, it’s my escape from the hardships of everyday life, and seeing that there are people out there who actually seem to appreciate my work is really… wonderful, and a bit surreal. I can’t thank you enough, but I’ll try. THANK YOU SO MUCH for being so lovely and for encouraging me to continue doing what I feel the most passionate about. I hope you had a good time during holidays, and that your 2016 will be great!

“You’re not falling asleep, are you?” Tom wondered, causing Norah to open her eyes and tilt her head back a little to look up at him with a gentle smile. She had nestled into him and they were now sitting so very close to each other, practically merging into one. Tom returned her smile, before letting out a deep sigh to express his reluctance for what he was about to say. “As nice as this is, I unfortunately have to get started with lunch.” Norah automatically tightened her embrace around Tom’s waist as he made a move to leave, earning a look of amusement from him.

“Just five more minutes,” she pleaded and looked at him pleadingly. Tom chuckled lightly and threw a quick glance at his watch.

“Two more minutes,” he granted with a smile and casually rested his hand on Norah’s hip as he lazily leaned back in the sofa. Norah was vastly aware of Tom’s hand on her hip. His touch sent a pleasurable warm tingling sensation through her body. When she looked up at him, Norah had to bite her lip to stop herself from gasping. He looked so breathtakingly beautiful and at the same time excruciatingly hot as he was leaning his head back facing the ceiling. His eyes were shut and his jaw relaxed, leaving his mouth slightly open. She couldn’t help but associate his current facial expression with stills she’d seen of him online, most of which accompanied by comments humorously indicating that he looked as though he was in the middle of receiving a blowjob. Norah swallowed and tried to calm her quickening heart rate by looking back down again. She rested her ear against Tom’s chest, listening intently to the sound of his heart, silently counting the beats to stop herself from thinking any more inappropriate thoughts about him. But that was made close to impossible when she accidentally glanced down at his jean-clad crotch. Norah shut her eyes, mentally cursing herself and her hormonal teenage body for responding the way it did. Tom didn’t even have to do anything to make her excited, simply being in the same room was apparently enough, she thought bitterly.

“Are you alright, sweetie?” Tom asked suddenly, nearly causing Norah to jump. She snapped her eyes open and smiled sheepishly at him.

“I’m fine. Why?” Norah wondered. Sensing that this particular moment of sitting as physically close to Tom as she now was would soon be over, and she made sure to enjoy the last of it. His body was so pleasantly warm against hers and the touch of his hand against her hip was electric, continuously sending currents of excitement through her body. Being this close to Tom felt truly wonderful and in a sense, strangely natural. But Norah couldn’t quite shake the feeling that she was doing something wrong by simply sitting there. That by doing so, she was acting highly inappropriately and, above all, being unjust to Sarah. Because, no matter how much Norah wished that wasn’t the case, Tom was in fact Sarah’s boyfriend, and not hers. She had already put Sarah through so much, and now she wanted to take her boyfriend away from her. Norah held back the stream of tears that was threatening to leave her eyes and tried to swallow the hard lump in her throat as she thought about Sarah.

“You seem a bit agitated,” Tom replied and looked at her concernedly. Norah avoided his gaze, bit down on her lip and began to wring her hands in distress, causing a sharp, welcomingly distractive pain in her injured hand. “Are you sure you’re alright?” Tom pressed as he automatically placed a hand on top of hers to stop her from further hurting her already damaged hand. Norah narrowed her eyes and angrily pulled her hands out from under his. “Norah, please…” Tom said pleadingly and quickly wrapped his arms around her waist when she tried to leave. He really didn’t want her to hurt herself, which he was pretty certain she would do if he let her leave.

“Let go of me,” Norah told him through gritted teeth and tried to wriggle out of his grip. This only caused Tom to pull her closer towards him, placing her sitting in his lap with her back pressed against his toned chest. Norah fought against his strength for a bit before deciding it simply wasn’t worth it. If she really wanted to, she could probably make him let go of her by throwing her head back against his face or something of the like. But she didn’t want to hurt him.

There were a lot of things Norah didn’t want to do at that moment. She didn’t want to think, or feel, or even exist. Not when the awful and overwhelming feeling of emptiness had its poisonous grip on her. It made everything that really mattered to her seem so small and insignificant in comparison to the growing void inside of her. She relaxed her body and fell back against Tom as she stared blankly in front of her. Her chest was aching and she felt as though the air she breathed was deprived of oxygen. Her head began to spin and she desperately pulled at her shirt with the intention to stop it from adding the least amount of pressure against her chest. She felt as though she was drowning and her clothes were clinging unpleasantly to her body.

Tom was talking to her, but Norah couldn’t discern any of his words. She was too caught up in experiencing the presence of unreality as it came crashing down on her. She felt as though she was stuck in between dimensions, not quite being able to get a sufficient grasp on neither dream nor reality. To not completely lose herself in the daunting unreality, Norah had to reach out and get a hold of what little sense of reality that was left. But it was merely a small island in a seemingly endless, treacherous sea. An insignificant isle made nearly impossible to reach by the ever shifting strong currents and murderous waves.

Lying flat on her back, Norah languorously looked up at Tom from the floor. He was leaning over her with a concerned expression on his face. Norah kept staring at him as she elevated herself slightly with the support of her elbows.

“You’re not him,” she said decidedly after looking inquiringly at him for a long moment. Tom frowned and opened his mouth to object, but Norah stopped him by firmly pressing an index finger against his lips. “And I’m not her. None of this is really happening,” she explained in a soft voice and proceeded to wrap her arms around his neck, placing his face closer to her own. Before Tom had the chance to register what was going on, Norah crashed her lips against his, kissing him forcefully. His lips felt soft against hers, his mouth was warm and moist, and he tasted of cigarettes and mint, vainly used in attempt to mask the fact that he had been smoking.

Initially, Tom confusedly and guided by primitive instincts returned the kiss with matching force and heatedness. When he was just about to grasp what was going on, Norah abruptly broke the kiss, released her grip around his neck and let herself fell back against the carpet with a thud. Her eyes were shut and she didn’t even react to the impact of her head hitting the floor.

“Norah? Norah?” Tom placed a hand on Norah’s shoulder and shook her seemingly unconscious body in attempt to wake her up. He stared at her with slightly widened eyes and continued to shake her as he repeatedly uttered her name.

“Move.” Tom looked up with surprise, startled to find Sophie at his side. He moved away a little, leaving her access to Norah. As if she’d done it a thousand times before, Sophie instinctively made sure that the respiratory ways weren’t blocked before she adjusted Norah’s body into recovery position. “That’s better,” she established in a calm voice and smiled gently as she looked up to see Tom’s shocked expression. “Don’t worry, Tom. She’s going to be alright. She’ll probably come to any minute now,” Sophie assured him.

“I have no idea what just happened,” Tom explained and looked helplessly at Sophie, who busied herself with brushing some of Norah’s hair away from her face.

“Me neither,” Sophie replied as she placed a hand on Norah’s forehead. “She doesn’t seem to have a fever. Perhaps she’s dehydrated?” she guessed to which Tom nodded agreeingly.

Tom threw Sophie a nervous look as he recalled the kiss. Had she seen it? He sure hoped not, because what would she think about him if she had? That he was leading Norah on? That he had initiated it? Tom turned his focus away from Sophie. He lowered his gaze to Norah’s peaceful looking features, wondering what could have possibly gone through her mind right before and as she kissed him. The words she had uttered right before the kiss left him wondering whether she had just been really confused or if this was some kind of bizarre maneuver to make him forget about making her lunch. He settled for the first assumption, as the latter seemed a bit far fetched and excessive, even for Norah. Furthermore, no one could possibly be this good at feigning unconsciousness Tom decided after curiously lifting one of Norah’s limp arms from the floor and letting go of it, just to see it fall right back down.

Sophie gave him an odd and pensive look, causing him to feel self-conscious and break eye contact with her again. Now that he thought about it, Tom realised that Sophie had occasionally given him that same look all day. The more he thought about it, the more it bothered him. Why would she start acting so secretively around him all of a sudden, when they were usually so straightforward with one another?

Tom was trying to come up with a discreet way of bringing it up without coming off as accusatory and paranoid. After giving it a moment's thought, Tom was positive that Sophie had in fact acted differently towards him as of today. His train of thought derailed upon realising that Norah was finally regaining consciousness. The girl’s eyes fluttered open and she frowned confusedly as she took in her surroundings.

“Norah, sweetie. Do you know where you are?” Sophie asked, causing Norah to look up at her perplexedly. The girl quietly observed the woman’s features for a few moments before a look of recognition appeared on her face.

“Hi Sophie,” Norah greeted rather cheerfully, luring a smile from the woman, who was sitting on the floor leaning over her in the very same manner Tom had right before the kiss.

“Hi Norah,” Sophie replied amusedly and sat back up straight. “Could you please tell me where you are?” Her question caused Norah to look at her as if she was out of her mind.

“Well,” Norah began to say and lifted her head to look at herself, “I appear to be on the floor.” Sophie chuckled and Tom couldn’t help but smile at her spontaneous response. Initially Norah frowned, seemingly confused as to why Sophie was laughing. Then realisation finally hit. “Oh! We’re on that lousy island, whatever it’s called... Why am I on the floor?” Norah questioned and made a move to sit up. But seemingly a wave of dizziness washed over her, because she quickly abandoned the task and lied back down.

“I don’t know. I believe you fainted,” Sophie replied, looking over at Tom and motioning for him to come closer. He tentatively obeyed the non-verbal command and placed himself on opposite side of Norah.

“Are you alright?” Tom asked gently. He almost felt shy as he gazed into Norah’s blue-grey eyes.

“I’m fine! How about you? You look a bit pale,” Norah pointed out almost teasingly and smiled warmly at him.

“I’m fine,” Tom assured her, mirroring her smile. She seemed so completely unaware of the kiss that he was beginning to wonder if perhaps his mind had been playing a trick on him. “What’s the last thing you remember?” he asked curiously.

“I don’t know,” Norah replied with a shrug before assuming a thoughtful expression. “Oh no!” she suddenly uttered and rolled over to her stomach before attempting to stand up. She grimaced painfully and fell to her knees, clutching her stomach with one hand and her head with the other.

“Are you about to be sick?” Sophie asked and immediately came to her aid, whereas Tom sat frozen in place, staring at Norah’s face. She looked different somehow. Had her lips always been as rich and luscious as they appeared to him now?

“Tom?” Tom snapped his head up at the sound of Sophie calling his name and quickly got to his feet to help her with Norah. With ease, he picked the girl up in his arms and carried her to the toilet. He occupied himself with holding Norah’s hair back as she threw up into the porcelain bowl.

Sophie left briefly and soon came back with a glass of water in her hand. She leaned against the doorframe and looked sympathetically at Norah. In case Sophie would throw him any more of those peculiar, almost accusative glances, Tom turned to look at Norah. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she was holding her nose as the cascades of liquid left her mouth. Realising how inappropriate it was of him to watch her throw up, Tom turned his attention back to Norah’s hair instead.

After a few moments of catching her breath, Norah wrapped her arms around Tom and began to sob into his chest. “I’m a horrible sister,” she cried, and Tom held her close, stroking her hair in a soothing manner.

“You’re not a horrible sister. The only one who thinks that is you and you’re wrong,” Tom told her calmly and gave Sophie an appreciative look as she placed the glass of water on the washbasin before taking her leave.

“But I am,” Norah insisted. “I did it on purpose.” Tom frowned and held her back a little from himself to be able to see her face.

“Norah, what are you talking about?” he questioned, giving her a confused look. Norah couldn’t bring herself to look at him as she confessed.

“I wanted to make her sad, Tom. I knew exactly which buttons to push, and I pushed them.” Norah kept her gaze fixed to the tiled floor where her tears gathered in little puddles. She felt weighed down by the overwhelming guilt and was frightened by the gnawing emptiness inside her chest, feeling as though it was about to swallow her whole.

“That doesn’t make you a horrible sister, Norah. We all hurt people we love from time to time, but it doesn’t make us horrible. It makes us human,” Tom told her as he tilted her head back to make her look at him. Norah’s eyes were red and swollen, and she looked so exhausted and infinitely sad as she gazed up at him. Tom’s heart was aching for her and he really wished that he could somehow free her of all pain. She was much too young to be so heavily burdened by the hardships of life. “Come,” Tom said and helped her stand up. He took notice of the distant look in her eyes and tried his best to keep her from getting lost in her own thoughts as they walked upstairs. But it proved to be all in vain, because she didn’t seem to hear a word he was saying.

Tom opened the door to the master bedroom and showed the absent-minded girl inside. Norah sat down on the bed, but didn’t seem to take notice of her older sister sleeping right behind her back. Tom turned on the lights and sighed as he found her staring blankly at the wall in front of her.

“Norah,” he tried, shaking her shoulder lightly. He repeated her name, but couldn’t seem to retract a reaction from her.

Norah’s current state was similar to the one she had been in a couple of days earlier, when he had helped her taking a hot bath to regain her body heat after she had almost drowned. Tom looked at her sadly and seated himself right beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. So much had happened in the last few days that he had momentarily forgotten about the fact that she had almost died. Norah hadn’t really talked about it, except for the day it had happened and she wasn’t exactly good at taking initiative to actually ask someone for support when she needed it. Tom hadn’t thought to bring it up, and Sarah had been much too caught up in her studies to give Norah much thought or attention at all, something he had angrily pointed out to her preceding night. Tom sighed heavily as he recalled the fight, wishing he would had been more tactful and less confrontational in his approach. Not wanting to think about all the things that had been said in anger, Tom turned his attention back to Norah. He felt bad for her and for not having tried talking to her about the accident that nearly had a fatal outcome. Even if she didn’t want to talk about what happened, at least someone should have asked. She had been neglected and it was partially his fault, Tom thought as he leaned down and kissed the top of her head amiably. “I’m sorry, Norah,” he whispered his heartfelt apology into her hair. “I’m so sorry.”

Tom couldn’t help but smile a little when Norah finally leaned towards him after several minutes of them just sitting there in silence. He helped her lay down on the bed, next to her sister and neatly tucked her in. Just as he was about to leave the two sisters alone to get some much needed sleep, an ice cold hand caught him by the wrist. Tom got an eerie feeling, but relief soon washed over him as he realised that it was only Norah, who he had assumed to be asleep. Her eyes were barely open and her voice was but a murmur as she spoke to him. “Please, don’t go.” Tom smiled and carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. “I’m cold,” Norah complained in a pitiful voice.

“Move closer to Sarah and you’ll be warmer in no time,” Tom suggested, to which Norah opened her eyes a bit further and looked in her sister’s direction.

“She must really hate me,” Norah commented sadly.

“Nonsense. Sarah could never hate you,” Tom replied and stroke her cheek softly. She looked so pale and gaunt, and yet beautiful. Tom placed a hand on Norah’s forehead and looked at her concernedly, she was so cold. If she hadn’t seemed so tired, he would have suggested a hot bath. He was met by a small smile as he motioned for her to scoot over so he too could get into the bed. As Tom pulled the comforter over them, he felt Norah wrap an arm around him, pulling herself closer towards him. He smiled down at her as she nestled into him and was met by her beautiful blue-grey eyes. They were so similar to Sarah’s, yet different. Norah’s were greyer, whereas Sarah’s eyes had a bit more of a blue tint to them. The difference was so slight that he’d never noticed it until now, probably because he hadn’t looked into Norah’s eyes as attentively and close-up before.

“You’re always so warm,” Norah told him. She seemed a bit more alert and less gloomy now. Tom smiled and hugged her, pulling her even closer towards his body. He could feel his heartbeat quicken and instantly regretted his action, but upon seeing the sweet smile Norah directed at him, he couldn’t possibly bring himself to push her away from him. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, right? After all, he was just trying to help her get warm. It was a harmless, innocent act of compassion, and that’s all there was to it. At least that was what Tom kept telling himself as he lied there with Norah pressed so very close to his heat radiating body.

Tom remained in bed for a bit longer, even after he was positive that Norah had finally fallen asleep. He didn’t want to leave. It was warm and nice, and he was tired. But he knew he had to. Not because he needed to get started with lunch, but because for every second he stayed there, the worse the crime. He gingerly climbed out of bed, careful not to wake up Norah, and turned off the lights before leaving the bedroom. Whilst rubbing his tired eyes, Tom made his way downstairs to find Sophie cuddled up on the sofa with a cup of tea and a book. She had heard him come and looked up to greet him with a smile. Tom couldn’t help but think that the smile she gave him seemed much less sincere and effortless than her smiles usually were.

“Where’s your fiancé at?” Tom asked, and tried his best to make his smile and tone of voice seem as casual and friendly as they usually were in his interactions with Sophie. It felt strange having to put on an act for her, because usually they would speak so freely and effortlessly with one another. Sophie put her book down and straightened herself a little.

“He’s asleep, and more hungover than he’d like to admit,” she explained with an amused smile. But her smile faded within seconds as she looked at Tom pensively, with a slight frown that indicated that something was bothering her.

“Are you alright?” Tom wondered, taking a few tentative steps into the living room.

“I’m fine,” Sophie assured him, but the bothered expression remained on her face.

Determined to find out why Sophie was acting differently towards him and sort things out before they got out of hand, Tom walked up to the couch and seated himself next to her. He was careful not to sit too close, fearing that it would make her feel somehow threatened by him. He sighed soundly before lifting his gaze to look at her.

“Sophie,” he began to say and looked at her with concern. “Have I done something wrong?” Sophie tensed up under Tom’s inquiring look.

“Why are you asking me that?” she questioned and broke eye contact with him. It became evident that he was in fact making her uncomfortable.

“Because you’re acting differently towards me now than you did yesterday. What’s going on?” Tom pressed, wanting her to be frank with him and just tell him what her problem was. “Come on, Sophie. Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?” Sophie stared at him with her deep blue eyes for a long moment before finally briefly shaking her head at him. “Then tell me,” he begged earnestly. There was a long moment of silence and Tom almost began to think that Sophie hadn’t heard him. He considered saying something to break the cumbering silence when she finally spoke.

“Is everything alright between you and Sarah?”

Tom could practically feel the colour drain from his face upon hearing the question. “We’re just fine. Why?”

“How can it possibly be fine between you two after what you told her last night?” Sophie demanded and a flash of anger appeared in her eyes. Tom’s heart sank. She must have heard them fight. He should have known it was that. He wanted to explain himself, but for once in his life he found himself at a loss for words.

“We sorted it out,” Tom finally managed to say. He felt so small and horribly ashamed of himself.

“You sorted it out?” Sophie asked incredulously. “Tom... You told her you didn’t want to have a child with her. You told her that she would make a horrible mother because you think her way of looking after Norah is insufficient. How the hell could you say something like that to someone who is obviously under a lot of pressure and is clearly not feeling well?!”

Tom wanted so badly to tell Sophie that Sarah had been the first one to throw a low blow by telling him that he was far too career focused to ever become a good father, but he decided against it. That would only make it sound as if he was trying to avoid taking responsibility for his own actions. No matter what Sarah had said right before, he had still uttered those awful words. And those words had been a lot worse than hers anyway.

“I don’t know, Sophie. I don’t know why I said it and don’t you think for one moment that I don’t wish I could unsay it! Because I do! I earnestly wish I wouldn’t have uttered those horrible words! But I can’t exactly turn back time to make it undone, now can I?!” Tom really wished that he hadn’t followed Sophie’s example and raised his voice to match hers. He usually wasn’t one to yell at others and he really didn’t want it to become a new habit. It was bad enough that his argument with Sarah preceding night had become rather heated and gotten a bit out of hand. He really didn’t need for this to become that way as well. “I’m sorry, Sophie. I really shouldn’t have raised my voice at you. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately. I really do love Sarah, a whole lot… And I really want to make this work, because I want to spend the rest of my life with her and, when the time is right, start a family with her. We discussed it and agreed that we should wait, at least until she’s finished school and things have gotten better with Norah,” Tom explained earnestly. Sophie nodded at him and smiled, but Tom could tell from the thoughtful look in her eyes and her lack of displayed happiness that there was something still bothering her greatly. He reached out and took one of her hands in his, looking at her perplexedly. “Sophie, would you please tell me what’s wrong?” The woman before him sighed heavily and thought for what felt like an excruciatingly long moment before finally meeting his request.

“I just have a hard time believing you, that’s all,” Sophie said, her dark ocean blue eyes observing him carefully. “I mean, Tom, seriously. If you truly love someone, you don’t go around kissing that someone’s sister behind her back,” she criticised, looking at him reproachfully.

“Oh,” Tom uttered, realising how immoral his actions must have looked in Sophie’s eyes. “I… Sophie, please listen to me. I didn’t kiss Norah. She kissed me. Don’t ask me why, but she did. I don’t really know what happened, she zoned out on me… She was panicking one moment and in the next, she was kissing me.”

Sophie’s eyes scrutinised him carefully for a few moments, as she was trying to decide whether or not her was telling the truth. Tom looked at her pleadingly as he awaited his verdict. He felt saddened by the fact that she even doubted him to begin with. He had thought they were closer than that, that she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t do something like that.

“Thank God, you’re telling the truth,” Sophie finally decided and almost laughed as she threw her arms around him. Tom felt relief wash over him and gladly hugged her back. “I should have known you wouldn’t do anything like that. I don’t know why I even suspected you of doing something like that. It’s probably those pregnancy hormones messing with my mind. I’m sorry for doubting you,” Sophie apologised sheepishly.

“That’s okay. I’m just glad that you spoke to me about it, rather than just making assumptions behind my back,” Tom replied, giving her a charitable smile. “I realise how suspicious it all must have seemed to you. But I can promise you, I would never do anything like that with Norah. She’s like a little sister to me and I love her like one. There’s nothing more to it than that, nor will there ever be.”

...

Norah bit down on her lip hard to stop herself from making any noise and slowly made her way back upstairs, careful not to make any sound that would reveal her presence. In the safety of the upstairs bathroom, she sunk to the floor and burst into tears.

The thoughts spun around her head. Apparently she had made a fool out of herself by kissing Tom, and now she couldn’t even remember the damn kiss. It was like some cruel joke her own mind must was playing on her. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to do everything perfectly with Tom to make him love her. She wanted all her first times with a man to be with him, that they would all be perfect and that she of course would be able to recall everyone of them in perfect detail. Now she had ruined it all. Their first kiss clearly hadn’t been perfect if Tom felt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Sarah. He even wanted to start a bloody family with her.

As if all this hadn’t been bad enough in its own right, Tom appeared to have been talking to Sarah about Norah as though she was a child. Apparently he still regarded Norah as someone who needed to be looked after, rather than an independent person with whom he could potentially fall in love. And finally, Tom had said that she was like a little sister to him. A sister! In Norah’s way of seeing it, being sisterzoned was far worse than being friendzoned. Because whereas friendships can turn into love relationships, siblingships just don’t. That still wasn’t the worst part. He had told Sophie that he would never have a romantic interest in Norah. Never. She had no chance of ever being with him like that, because he didn’t even see it as an option.

Even though she had already known that Tom didn’t love her like that, hearing him actually saying it was a hard blow to Norah. All effort to stop herself from hoping that there would ever be anything between her and Tom had proved to be for nothing. Because she had allowed herself to hope, wish and yearn for him far more than she should have. She lied down on the floor, pressed her hands against her aching chest and continued to cry out what was left of her shattered heart.

After several minutes of violent sobbing, Norah finally gathered herself enough to get up from the floor and turn on the shower. That way she decreased the risk of someone overhearing her as she continued to weep, this time in a more quiet, despondent manner. When the tears stopped rolling down her face and the sobbing finally seized to leave her throat, Norah felt drained. She took her clothes off and numbly stepped into the shower, where she stood motionlessly under the hot jet of water for several minutes before proceeding to wash her body and hair.

Norah was startled by a knock on the door and almost slipped in the shower from flinching so violently. “Norah? Are you okay in there?” It was Tom’s voice. Her heart sunk and she actually wished she would have slipped and hit her head, rather than having to face him.

“I’m fine,” she yelled back.

“Good. It’s time to eat, so would you please hurry up a little?” Tom requested through the door.

“I’ll be right out!” Norah replied with a slight edge to her voice. She waited nervously for Tom to reply, hoping intensively that he wouldn’t figure out that something was wrong from her tone of voice.

“Five more minutes.”

Norah felt relieved, and at the same time a bit annoyed because Tom had just made it sound as though she needed his permission. She turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, quickly drying herself before getting dressed, trying as hard as possible to avoid looking at her body in the process.

Once she was done, Norah looked herself in the mirror to make sure that no trace of her earlier breakdown was visible on her face. Her eyes were still a bit red, but at least they weren’t swollen. She could always pretend that they were red from her being tired in case anyone would ask. Not that she thought anyone would. She began to consider the option of staying in there for forever when she noticed the safety razor lying on the edge of the wash basin. It was probably Benedict’s. It made a lot more sense that he would have forgotten it there, than that Tom would. Norah picked up the safety razor and studied it for a long moment as she contemplated her options.

No matter how much she wanted to avoid it, Norah would eventually have to face Tom as well as Sarah again. She guessed she could act like she didn’t know about supposedly kissing Tom, which shouldn’t be all that hard seeing as she couldn’t even remember doing it. But no matter how hard she tried she still wouldn’t be able to unbreak her own heart. Tom would never think of Norah the way she thought of him, he had clearly expressed that in his conversation with Sophie. As if that hadn’t been bad enough, he apparently wanted to further deepen his relationship with Sarah. Norah felt like crying again as she thought about it, her and Tom ever being together was nothing but a hopeless dream. Then she thought about her sister and how much she wanted her to be happy. It was obvious that Sarah was happy with Tom. Since she first began to date him, Sarah had transformed into an a lot more confident and happier person than she had been before she met Tom.

Norah felt sickened by her own selfish desires as she thought about Sarah. Then the overwhelming guilt came back, hitting her with the force of a steamroller. Sarah had been carrying such a heavy burden for the last five and a half years, and she hadn’t trusted Norah enough to entrust her with it. Sarah didn’t trust Norah with anything nowadays simply because her trust had already been abused by her little sister more than one time too many. A person can only take so much disappointment. The more Norah thought about her complicated relationship to her sister, the more hopeless she became. She felt as though it was never going to be okay between herself and Sarah ever again, and the fault was hers alone. Norah felt that she was too selfish and tainted with jealousy to ever bring herself to be truly happy for her sister. This didn’t only apply to Sarah’s relationship with Tom, but to almost everything in Sarah’s life that could be perceived as good. A good sister should be able to be happy for her sibling’s achievements, not want to deprive her of them.


	15. I will if you will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience. I’m really sorry than I’m not able to update more frequently. I feel so honored that you take your time to read my writing. It really means a lot to me and I love you for it. <3

It was dark in the bathroom. Norah sat curled up against the wall opposite to the locked door. She dejectedly rested her forehead against her knees and had her arms wrapped around the back of her head, as though she was trying to shield herself from something falling from above. Problem was that the thing she most wanted to avoid was a process that had already been put into motion inside of her mind. She couldn’t outrun her own thoughts and emotions, no matter how much she wanted to. All she could do was to hide from them and thereby postpone the inevitable. Because eventually they would find her hiding place and catch up with her as she tried to run away from them. They always did.

The razor blade had been carelessly thrown into a corner of the darkened room. Norah had wanted to hurt herself so badly. She had even held the sharp piece of metal in her hand and pressed it firmly against her arm. But she hadn’t made the movement that would bring her a short moment of relief in exchange for an open wound which would later turn into a life-long scar. Not that she cared all that much about the scar. She already had plenty of them, and one scar more or less wouldn’t make that much of a difference. It was something else that had stopped her from doing it… After all, there was only one way to make this all go away permanently.

“Norah, open up. It’s been fifteen minutes since I last came to check on you. Time’s up,” Tom informed her firmly through the door. Norah didn’t move, nor did she speak. What could she possibly do or say to change the fact that he didn’t love her? She couldn’t cast a love spell on him, because magic wasn’t real. And even if it had been real, that’s not what she wanted. She wanted him to fall in love with her of his own accord. “Norah? Please answer me so I know you’re okay.” Still no reply. Couldn’t he just leave her alone?

There was a moment of tense silence before the lock clicked and the door was opened from the outside. Norah didn’t bother to look up. She could hear the light switch click and felt Tom’s presence in the room.

“Norah, what are y-” Tom abruptly stopped talking. She could hear the sound of metal lighty rasping against the tiled floor as he presumably picked up the razor. “Have you hurt yourself?” he asked accusatively, sounding both hurt and angered by the mere thought of such an action. This annoyed Norah to no end. Tom and Sarah would always do that; act as if Norah was somehow being unjust to them whenever she hurt herself. It wasn’t like they would have to live with the pain and scars, but they were hers alone. She had been going over this with them plenty of times before, and she did understand where they were coming from, but it was still her body and hers alone. Since she refused to answer his question, Tom took the liberty to grab her left wrist firmly and roll up her shirt sleeve to see for himself. Norah’s head snapped up and she shot him a venomous glare.

“What the fuck are you doing?” she demanded angrily and tried to pull out of his grip. “Let go of me! You have no right to touch me!” Norah bellowed at him. She tried to bend up his long fingers which were locked around her wrist with her free hand, but they wouldn’t budge. Fueled by rage, Norah proceeded to dig her long and unkempt fingernails into the back of Tom’s hand. He didn’t say anything, just looked her straight in the eyes as he calmly proceeded to restrain her free hand. Norah stared back at him. She was glaring darkly at him at first, but gradually her rageful stare softened into one of self-pity and sadness. “Let go of me,” she begged, her tone of voice small, almost submissive.

“If I let you go, do you promise me you will stay calm?” Tom asked her solemnly. Norah nodded eagerly in response. “Do you promise me you won’t run off and do anything to hurt yourself?” She nodded again, and a knot of unease formed in her chest as she wordlessly lied to him. “I really want to trust you, Norah. I really do. So please, don’t give me any more reasons not to.”

“I won’t,” Norah mumbled automatically. Her eyes hurt when she forced herself look at Tom as she lied to him for what she thought might be the very last time. Part of her wished that he wouldn’t let her go. That he would keep her restrained for all eternity so she wouldn’t be able to go through with it. She missed the feeling of his strong hands keeping her safe from the moment he released his grip on her wrists. She wanted to tell him about what was going through her mind. She really did, but she couldn’t. This was the only way to make it stop.

Norah compliantly followed Tom downstairs and seated herself by the table. Thankfully Sarah wasn’t there. She was still asleep, and probably would be for another few hours because of the anxiety medication which she most likely had been taking to calm herself down. She didn’t know that Norah knew about her drug prescriptions since she had been very discreet about it. It was only by chance Norah had discovered a small piece of a torn off prescription sticker with Sarah’s name on it. Her curiosity had caused her look through the trash until she had pieced together enough parts to discover what the medication was for. She had planned on confronting her older sister about it, asking why she hadn’t confided something that important in her. But Norah had forgotten about it the moment Tom had come back to London. And now, it really didn’t matter anymore. As long as Sarah didn’t take them all at the same time, the medication would probably prove to be helpful when dealing with the loss of her only sibling. Norah was grateful that Sarah wasn’t sitting there, because that would only complicate things. She knew what she was about to do to her sister was horribly selfish and unforgivable, but was comforted by the thought of Tom being there to support Sarah like the rock he was.

Norah felt numb as she sat there, pretending that nothing had changed. It was hard trying to act like she normally would, because now that she had her mind made up it all felt so unnatural; as if every move she made was merely a part of an act. It was like she had lost an essential part of herself the moment she had decided. In a sense she was already dead, because she had morally killed herself in making the decision. Like a soulless being, Norah slowly took a few bites from her plate food with a methodical calm. She didn’t pay any attention to the food’s texture, taste or smell, because ultimately it didn’t matter. Nothing did. Not anymore.

With an uncharacteristically breezy smile and tone of voice, Norah got up from her seat and excused herself from the table. She could tell by the look on Tom’s face that she had raised his suspicion.

“I’ll be right back,” she assured him with a gentle smile, giving his shoulder a light pat as she walked past him. Tom tensed up under her brief touch and continued to stare after her for a long moment after she had disappeared from his view.

An uneasy silence fell upon the three adults in the kitchen. Tom anxiously listened for any sound that would assure him that he had nothing to worry about. Almost any sound would sooth him at that moment. Hearing something as mundane as the toilet flush or a jet of water hitting the washbasin would be truly wonderful. Even the sound of Norah throwing up would be better than this unpleasant silence. The sound Tom eventually did hear caused the blood to freeze in his veins and him to shot up from his seat, wishing he hadn’t let her out of his sight to begin with.

“What happened?” Sophie asked her fiancé confoundedly and threw a concerned look in the direction in which Tom had just taken off.

“She left,” Benedict replied after looking out the window to confirm his thesis. The front door opened and shut shortly after and he watched puzzledly as Tom ran off in the same direction Norah had just a moment earlier. “Should we do something?” he wondered out loud as his fiancée came to stand by his side. Sophie wordlessly grabbed his hand and lead the way to the entrance hall.

“What do you think is going on?” Benedict wondered as they simultaneously put their coats and boots on.

“I don’t know. But it must be something serious if he reacts like that,” Sophie replied with a look of deep concern on her face.

Norah paused as she reached the edge of the cliff. She felt herself go stiff with fear as she looked down at the treacherous waves hitting the startlingly spiky rocks below her. Her heart was beating furiously in her chest as she slowly turned around. She’d rather have the beclouded sky being the last thing she saw than the rocks that would ultimately kill her.

“Norah... Please don’t do this.”

Norah looked up at Tom with melancholy eyes. She didn’t know what to say. What could she possibly say to make up for what she was about to do? Nothing. She really wished he wouldn’t have gone after her. He was making this so much harder than it had to be. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, he wasn’t supposed to be there and see her do it. Tom warily took a few steps towards her, causing panic to arise within her.

“Don’t come any closer!” Norah warned him sharply and took a step backwards to show him how perfectly serious she was in her demand. Tom stopped abruptly and held his hands out in front of him, his palms facing her as he wordlessly begged her to calm down and not do anything hasty. It almost looked as though he was reaching out for her, even though he was several metres away from her and there was no way he would be able to reach her in time if she decided to jump.

“Norah, please. Don’t do this,” Tom pleaded, his voice broken and his eyes watering as he stared at her apprehensively. “Whatever it is that makes you feel like doing this, it’s nothing that can’t be solved. Nothing is worth killing yourself over, darling. Nothing.”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it. I’ve already made up my mind,” Norah told him as she fought the urge to run up to him and embrace him. Tears were running down his face now, making him look far more vulnerable than she could stand. She looked away from him, knowing that if she didn’t she wouldn’t be able to go through with it. “It’s not your fault, Tom. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”

“I couldn’t possibly be able to live with myself if I let you do this. I wo-wouldn’t want to,” Tom told her sadly. His faltering voice was causing a breach in the wall Norah had built up to shield her from her own feelings, and the stinging guilt was the first to slip through. “Please, Norah... Don’t… Please, don’t do this,” he pleaded, sounding truly devastated.

“Just... take care of Sarah for me. Please,” Norah requested, still not daring to look at him as she tried to gather enough courage, and inconsideration, to end her life right in front of the very man whom she loved so much it hurt.

It had all seemed so much easier in her head. She had felt so certain that this was what she really wanted to do under these circumstances. That this was the only way to successfully make all the pain and guilt go away. But Tom unexpectedly turning up had thrown her completely off guard and left her confused as to whether she really wanted to die or not. In her mind it had felt so right, like it was the most logical thing to do and that it would favour everyone involved. But with Tom there, she didn’t feel as sure anymore. His presence alone made her feel like what she was about to do was in no way justifiable. Instead of feeling strangely liberated from the burdening freedom of choice by thinking she had finally made her last decision, Norah now felt weighed down by guilt for the crime she was about to commit. If she didn’t do it now, she wouldn’t be able to do it at all. With only his voice as a weapon, Tom was already breaking down the defensive walls she had raised to shield herself from feeling.

“If you jump, I’ll jump,” Tom informed her earnestly, again taking her by surprise. Norah’s mouth fell slightly open as she looked up at him with astonishment. She simply hadn’t expected this from him. According to her view of him, killing himself shouldn’t even be considered an option in Tom’s mind, much less a threat. “I’m serious, Norah,” he pressed in a voice serious as cancer. Even if he might not have been serious in following through with his threat, this didn’t cohere with the image Norah had of him at all. He would never do that to Sarah. Right? He wouldn’t let her lose both her sister and her boyfriend in the same day, now would he? It simply wasn’t like him to even suggest something like that. So why was he doing it? To make a point of how unreasonable it was of her to plan on killing herself? She knew it was senseless, but so was being in love with someone she could never have! Of the two, the former alternative of just ending it all rather than continuing her pathetic existence and hoping for something that could never be felt like the less of two evils. Or at least it had until he decided to turn up like a knight in shining armor. Who did he think he was to torture her like this? Why wouldn’t he just let her put an end to her suffering?

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Norah told him reprehensively, glaring at him as he slowly and deliberately walked up to stand next to her at the end of the cliff. “You’re an idiot! Stop trying to make me feel responsible for your life!” she bellowed at him, feeling the panic rise within her as Tom casually leaned forward a little to gaze down at the razor sharp rocks beneath them.

“The way you make me feel responsible for yours?” Tom retorted calmly as he continued to take in the sight of the waves aggressively hitting the rocks, which mechanically cut through the water. Tom tried his best to follow the rocks’ example by keeping himself steady and calm, at least on the outside, while he internally experienced a storm of rioting emotions and thoughts. What should he do? He suspected that this was hardly what anyone with a training in handling situations like these would do to prevent someone from committing suicide, but he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t want to risk having them both killed by trying to grab her. She was standing far too close to the edge for him to dare approaching her any further. The stone surface underneath their feet was slippery from the earlier rainfall which meant that if Norah as much as flinched, she might slip and fall.

Norah felt a knot of unease in her stomach as she stared at Tom. He was standing much too close to the edge for her liking. If startled, he could easily fall to a certain death, and it would be her fault. She definitely didn’t want him to die, regardless of whose fault it would be. He was like her guardian angel, and with his blonde curls and baby blue eyes, he even resembled one. But he wasn’t an angel. If he was to fall, he wouldn’t have any wings to carry him. The moment his body came in touch with the spiky rocks he would die any other mortal would, because after all, no matter how unearthly and perfect he would sometimes appear in Norah’s eyes, he was but a man.

“Please. Step away from the edge, Tom,” Norah pleaded desperately, clueless as to how she should deal with this sudden switch of roles. She couldn’t let him die, whether it being intentional or not. She couldn’t risk that. Knowing that he would be there to take care of Sarah after she was gone was one of the reasons killing herself had felt like such a logical thing to do.

“I will, if you do,” Tom replied seriously and looked up at her. His eyes were red from crying and contrasted with his whitened skin. His voice was a bit shaky and it made Norah wonder if he was as scared for her life as she was for his. Norah slowly took a few steps away from the edge, not taking her eyes off him as she did, afraid that he might disappear if she stopped looking at him for as little as a millisecond. “Further,” Tom instructed calmly when she stopped. Norah took another couple of steps before pausing again, looking at him expectantly.

“Your turn,” she said, having now moved several metres away from the cliff’s edge. She didn’t like how Tom had managed to change the power-dynamics by acting more or less like she might have done in a situation like this. She was supposed to be the one in charge, not him. She was the one to act dramatically and take unnecessary risks, not him. She was supposed to be dead, whereas he was supposed to be alive, well and happily unaware of the fact that she no longer existed. No one was supposed to learn about her intentions until it was already too late.

Norah was startled by how quick Tom was to reach her side. He immediately pulled her close towards his tall frame, wrapping his arms around her tightly, as if he was afraid that she might vanish into thin air if he let her go.

“You scared me,” Tom mumbled into her long, unruly hair, his voice thick with tears. “Please, never scare me like that again.” His solemn request, spoken with such sincerity and sadness, finally broke down Norah’s defense, overwhelming her with all those unwelcome feelings she had tried so hard to ignore. It was all too much to process, which resulted in her just standing there perplexed, mute and paralyzed, as Tom shielded her from the elements the best he could. His hands were a bit shaky as he reached out to zip up her jacket and pull its hood up to protect her from the rain and wind. That all too familiar gnawing pressure over her chest made itself present and her knees weakened as a tornado of thoughts was unleashed within her mind. Tom caught her just in time and pulled her into his warm embrace once more. He didn’t say anything, just stood there and held her tight as her thoughts continued to race.

If she was going to keep on living, Norah desperately needed something to change, because she simply couldn’t stand feeling like this anymore. She really loved him so much. Perhaps too much for what would be considered healthy. She would do almost anything for him, even die if she knew that would make him happy. Problem was that she had no idea what would make him like her more, what she could possibly do to make him fall in love with her. She knew that she had to be rational about it and come to terms with the fact that Tom most likely never would love her in that way. But that kind of logical thinking was the very thing that had made her want to kill herself to begin with.

She didn’t deserve his love. She wasn’t worthy of it, the same way she wasn’t worthy of the food she ate or the time and energy she stole from the people around her. She was more of a greedy parasite than an actual human being. She didn’t deserve to exist. No one would really care if she went away and the world would have been a better place without her. Tears rolled down Norah’s face as she fell down the spiral of negative thoughts. Tom instinctively pulled her closer towards him and began rubbing comforting circles on her back. Norah buried her head in his chest and cried unrestrainedly.

When Norah’s crying was beginning to settle down, Tom spoke to her in a gentle voice. “Would you please tell me what’s going on inside of that pretty head of yours?” he wondered and took a step back to get a better look at her. His hands were firmly placed on her narrow shoulders, as if to prevent her from running off again. “Please, let me help you, Norah. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong,” Tom pleaded earnestly.

Norah, who was still sobbing, hid her face in her hands in shame. She didn’t really want him to see her like this, and yet she kept crying in front of him, time and time again. What a weakling he must have thought she was. She knew he would never probably say it, but he surely must have thought that about her at some point during the time they had known each other.

“Norah, please. Tell me what’s so bad that you didn’t want to live anymore,” Tom said, again with that heartbreaking sadness and desperation in his voice.

Norah continued to sniffle as she removed her hands from her face to look at Tom. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, whereas his were watery and overflowing with compassion and hurt. She sadly thought about how their current appearances must have quite accurately mirrored how out of her league Tom really was. While she most likely looked a mess from crying and having a running nose, he still managed to look so unbearingly beautiful even after spilling tears.

When Tom reached out to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks, Norah tried to gather her thoughts and come up with a suitable answer to his legitimate request. Part of her wanted to tell him the truth and thought that she at least owed him that much after putting through this ordeal. But she was too afraid of what the consequences would be if she did. She was convinced that Tom would not take the fact that he had anything to do with her wanting to kill herself lightly. On the contrary, he would most likely take it very seriously and possibly even leave Sarah and her if he thought that would be the best way of helping her. Norah felt a sense of panic as the horrid thought of never getting to see Tom again passed through her head. To worsen her fear even a further, the thought was closely followed by scene from a movie she had seen Tom in playing out in her mind. ‘You can’t expect a bloke to go on after he’s driven someone to suicide.’ The line echoed eerily inside of her, causing her body to freeze with fear. She was almost certain that he would leave if he found out the truth behind why she had planned to die. Just like Tom’s character in that movie had done when facing a similar situation.

Norah couldn’t stand the thought of Tom leaving. It was far worse than having him in her life the way she did now; as a potential future brother in law instead of a potential future husband. She knew that now and desperately wished that she could have seen it before deciding to recklessly act on the impulse of going through with one of her plans on how to put an end to her existence. As a result of that course of actions, Norah had now put herself in a situation that most likely would cause things to change, and not necessarily for the better. From looking at him, Norah was now pretty confident that she had finally alarmed Tom too much to not have him want to turn to professionals for help. He probably thought that Sarah had been right in claiming that Norah would be safer in a clinical environment since she was too labile and unpredictable for the two of them to handle alone. Norah felt a chill run through her body as she recalled overhearing a snippet of one of Sarah and Tom’s conversations a few months back. She had not given it that much thought since she had already known about Sarah and Tom’s views of the situation before that. What made Norah react now was the part of the memory where Tom had taken her side and claimed that she just needed Sarah’s support, unconditional love and trust to get back on her feet. Back when she had first heard it, Norah had felt self-conscious about his way of expressing himself and for that reason written it off as something unimportant. But now his choice of words made her realise that Tom had expected so much more of her than she had given him and thought more highly of her than she had given him reason to. Norah bowed her head in shame, not wanting to look Tom in the eyes as she began to grasp to what extent she had really let him down. That’s why he had cried earlier, because he had believed in her and finally came to realise that it had been all in vain. That she was too selfish and preoccupied with herself to preserve her friendships. That’s why she was so lonely; for all she really cared about was herself. Surely that must have been what he was thinking about her, about what a let down and horrible person she was.

“Norah? Please, talk to me. Let me help you,” Tom continued to press as he gently caressed her cold cheek.

Norah felt like she was being torn apart inside. She had to say something, but what could she possibly tell him? She wanted to take away the hurt in Tom’s eyes, but had no idea how to repair the damage she had caused. If the truth was too risky, could she at least tell him a half-truth to make it more believable? Norah frowned with concentration as she searched her mind for something fitting and a delicate blush spread across her cheeks as she finally found it.

“It’s going to sound so ridiculous to you,” she mumbled, deeply embarrassed for what she was about to share with him. Tom smiled reassuringly at her, seemingly glad that she had finally decided to give him an explanation as to why she had acted so drastically.

“Trust me, I won’t laugh or anything if that’s what you’re afraid of,” Tom promised her with sincerity in his eyes.

“I…” Norah paused and had to look down to be able to finish her sentence. “I got my period back...” she mumbled awkwardly.

“You got your period back?” Tom asked, seemingly puzzled as to what her period had to do with it. Norah felt her face turn even redder as she nodded, still not looking at him. “I’m sorry, I don’t underst- oh! You got it back you say? For how long did you go without it?” Norah looked up at him with surprise. She had expected him to ask her what the hell getting her period had to do with her wanting to kill herself, not this. Because surely he couldn’t know how hard for her it really was having to face the fact that she had gained enough weight for her body to start working the way it should again. Surely he had no idea how much grief that caused her and how much of a useless failure it made her feel like. Or did he somehow get it?

“I’m not sure. One maybe two years?” Norah replied as she looked at him searchingly, trying to figure out whether Tom had some kind of insight into what she was going through or if he was just acting like it to keep her from getting upset.

“That’s a long time, Sweetie,” Tom commented in a gentle voice as he looked at her compassionately. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s really a good thing that you got it back.”

Norah shook her head at him in disagreement and tears rolled down her face. She couldn’t see anything positive about having her stupid period back. She didn’t want her body to function the way it should because she hated it. And she didn’t exactly need it, because she obviously wasn’t planning on having kids any time soon anyway. All her period did was making her feel disgusting, bloated and utterly useless. She had failed at this too, like she had failed with most other things in her sad excuse for a life. How useless she must have been if she couldn’t even be good at being ill.

“Norah. Darling, please come here,” Tom requested and held out his arms towards her, offering his comfort, but she continued to step backwards, away from him. “It was a stupid thing of me to say and I’m sorry. I know this is hard for you, but we can get through this.”

Again, Norah shook her head at him before turning away from him to run off in the opposite direction, down the hill. She didn’t get far, because Benedict, who along with Sophie had seemingly come out of nowhere, caught her before she had the time to react.

“Let me go!” Norah protested and desperately tried to break out from the tall man’s tightening grip around her wrist. Once she realised that she didn’t really stand a chance unless she wanted to hurt him, Norah bit down hard on her own free hand. The stinging in her hand along with the metallic taste in her mouth had a soothing effect on her. She sighed as her hand was being pulled by the wrist away from her mouth and felt herself shrink before Benedict once she caught his stern look.

“Norah,” Benedict said sighingly, clearly disappointed by her course of actions. “Please. For everyone’s sake, take a deep breath and calm yourself down a little,” he continued soberly. Norah took his advice and felt herself getting lightheaded from breathing so deeply. She frowned a little as she focused on trying to keep her balance, calm down and breath at the same time. “There are some people here who want to talk to you. I suggest you keep yourself calm and just answer their questions. Can you do that for me?”

Norah felt confused as to who Benedict was talking about until her eyes caught the police officers walking towards them. She felt the panic rise in her chest and wanted nothing rather to get as far away from there as possible.

“It’s okay, Norah. They just want to ask you a few questions, that’s all,” Sophie assured her after seeing the alarm in the girl’s eyes.

“Did you call them?” Norah wondered almost accusingly, in response to which the couple was shaking their heads ‘no’. “Then who did?” she asked irritably, mentally cursing whoever it was that had decided to call the emergency hotline on her.

“We don’t know,” Sophie replied, looking at her with compassion in her deep blue eyes. “It doesn’t matter. They are only here to make sure you’re alright.”

“I’m perfectly fine. Can’t you ask them to go away?” Norah objected. She felt deeply embarrassed by the fact that the police had arrived to check on her and felt bad for taking up their time.

“You’re not fine, Norah,” Tom remarked from behind her and heart sank. Was he really going to do this now? She turned her head to look at him pleadingly.

“Tom, please. Don’t do this. I’m sorry. I was being an idiot,” Norah begged him, earning a rueful look in response.

The two police officers presented their errand and went on to split her and Tom up to talk to them separately. Tom and the male officer walked off to stand out hearing, and Norah was left with the female officer, Benedict and Sophie.

“Would you like for us to leave?” Sophie offered, her question directed at both Norah and the policewoman. Norah shook her head in response, desperately not wanting to be left alone with the stranger, and the policewoman agreed to let them stay if that would make it any easier for Norah. Benedict still had his hands on her wrists and hesitantly let them go as he kept his eyes locked on Norah.

The policewoman was being really sympathetic and didn’t question any of Norah’s answers, even though she was lying right to her face about just about everything that had just happened. Norah could tell that the woman didn’t buy it, but was grateful that she didn’t call her out on it.

“How do you feel about letting us give you a ride to the hospital so you can talk to a doctor about all this?” the woman finally asked. Norah had suspected all along where this all was headed, and appreciated that the policewoman was tactful enough to make it seem like she actually had a choice.

“I’d much rather not,” Norah replied honestly. “But if you want me to go with you, I guess I could do that. I was going to see a doctor about my hand anyway,” she added, knowing that there really would be no point in arguing about it since Tom most likely was selling her out to the other officer. The policewoman nodded in response and smiled gently at her, seemingly relieved that it had all went as smoothly as it had.

Then the woman’s police radio buzzed, a welcome distraction which Norah used to her advantage by running off in the direction of the woods as quickly as she possibly could muster. She didn’t look back to see if anyone was following her, just kept sprinting between the trees until her legs and lungs hurt from the strain. She fell to the forest floor and crawled her way up to a big stone covered by moss and leaned her back against it for support as she caught her breath.

She mentally cursed herself when she heard her name being called by Tom, Benedict and Sophie. Norah hadn’t expected them all to go looking for her. Frankly, she hadn’t really thought this through at all. She had just followed the impulse of running off once she got the chance, because she really didn’t want to go to the hospital. What if they decided to keep her there? Like she had told Sarah several times before, she would much rather die than being admitted again. After their parents death, her hospital stay was definitely one of the hardest things Norah had ever had to go through. She had truly hated every minute of it and she had been so angry with Sarah for bringing her there in the first place.

Norah froze in her spot and held her breath as she heard the approaching footsteps. She couldn’t see who it was and didn’t dare to look out of fear that she would reveal her hiding place.

“Fuck,” she heard that beautiful and by now highly familiar voice mutter to himself. It was Tom and by the sound of it, he was very close. Norah soon felt the smell of cigarettes and frowned with annoyance. Time and time again, Tom had promised that he would quit smoking, but he never did. Not fully. Some weeks he barely had any cigarettes at all, while during others he smoked like a chimney. ‘Fuck this,’ Norah thought bitterly to herself and got up on her feet. She was going to be found sooner or later anyway.

“I find it very confusing how someone as self-disciplined as yourself can’t seem to ever really quit smoking,” Norah lectured him angrily. Tom couldn’t help but smile upon seeing her, the newly lit cigarette still placed between his thin lips as he replied.

“Finally decided to stop running, have we?” he questioned and casually leaned back against the stone as he looked at her. Norah shrugged as she stood there next to him, following his example of leaning backwards for support.

“Did they leave?” Norah finally asked after a few moments of watching Tom silently smoking his cigarette.

“Yes. They had to go sort out a brawl somewhere. Apparently someone had a knife or something,” Tom informed her.

“Good, it was just a waste of time for them to come here anyway,” Norah replied, even though she knew perfectly well that she would still be forced to see a doctor.

“Well, it’s a good thing that I found you when I did, because the helicopter should be here soon,” Tom explained and put out his cigarette against the stone.

“You’re kidding me right?” Norah asked exasperatedly.

“I’m perfectly serious,” Tom said and held out his hand towards her. “Let me see your hand,” he requested, reaching for her right hand. Norah sighed as she showed him the bite mark. It was nothing major, just deep enough to draw blood. He sighed as he gently traced the marks with his finger. “I really wish you wouldn’t do these things to yourself.”

“And I really wish you wouldn’t smoke,” Norah retorted brittly.

“If I quit smoking, for real this time. Can you promise me you will hurting yourself?” Tom asked her. Norah looked at him for a long moment, thinking it over. She honestly didn’t think she would be able to make it through another hospital stay, which was probably what would happen once Sarah found out about her little misendeavours, if she didn’t have self-harm to help regulate her emotions. The way Norah saw it, hurting herself physically was the very thing that had stopped her from killing herself when the people at the hospital had kept stuffing her with food and staring themselves blind at the numbers revolving around her food intake and physical health. They didn’t seem to care or even take notice of the increasing amount band aids covering her arms and thighs.

“You should quit smoking for your own sake,” Norah replied and her eyes narrowed as Tom demonstratively took out his pack of cigarettes and began pulling out a cigarette and the lighter from it. “Very mature Tom, really,” she said sarcastically and snatched the items away from him.

“Does this mean we have a deal?” he asked teasingly, smiling triumphantly at her. He looked so damn gorgeous that Norah momentarily forgot about how anxious and upset she really was and return his smile. “I take that as a yes,” Tom established as he put an arm around her shoulders and began walking her through the forest in the same direction from which they’d arrived.

Norah was filled by a strange feeling of calm as she walked alongside Tom. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, but she felt like something had changed between them. Strangely enough, it wasn’t for the worse, but she felt somehow closer to him. She had just put him through hell, but he still didn’t seem anywhere near to giving up on her. She rested her head against Tom’s shoulder and felt for a moment strangely content.


	16. Strangely Optimistic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry for taking so long to update! Thank you for reading and commenting on my story - I really appreciate it! It truly means a lot to me!

Norah watched intently from the bed as her sister spoke to a man in a white coat just outside the room. She had just woken up and couldn’t hear a word of what they were saying, but from the looks of it, they were having some sort of disagreement. Sarah had a scowl on her face and her body looked tense, as though she was struggling to hold back her anger.

“What’s going on?” Norah asked confusedly and looked at Tom, who was sitting in a chair right next to the hospital bed. She had been in and out of consciousness ever since entering the helicopter and her memory was blurred. She had no recollection of Sarah arriving at the hospital, and she was surprised to find an IV drip attached to her arm and her injured hand already put in a cast. She couldn’t remember being examined by a doctor, and much less being treated by one.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tom replied and moved the chair a little to cover her view of Sarah and the doctor’s increasingly animated discussion just outside the room. “Are you beginning to feel any better yet?” he wondered and smiled briefly at the sight of Norah’s concentrated look as she tried to bend her fingers, finding that the cast was preventing her from moving them as fluently as she wanted.

“This is impractical. How am I supposed to play computer games with this thing on?” she questioned and glared at Tom in response to the amused look that appeared on his face. “It’s not funny!” she informed him brittly, but softened up the moment she heard a light chuckle erupt from his throat. A genuine smile appeared on Norah’s lips and her eyes even sparkled with joy for a brief moment, before some menacing force within her switched her mindset from somewhat light to dark and gloomy.

Tom’s smile dropped and he frowned as he noticed the sudden change in Norah’s expression, and he reached out to place his hand on top of hers. Norah tried to smile at him again, but it was too painful and came out more like a grimace. Guilt washed over her as she observed Tom’s features. His cheeks were more gaunt than they used to be, and he looked so tired and worn with those dark circles under his eyes and the light stubble on his usually clean shaven face. It was her fault she was tired. She had worn him out, just like she had worn out every other person who had gotten too close.

“You’re going to leave, aren’t you?” Norah uttered despondently, making it sound more like an ascertainment than an actual question. She looked down at his hand on top of hers and felt a lump form in her throat as she fought the urge to cry.

“Norah, what are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere,” Tom assured her earnestly and looked at her with great concern. He really wished he could know what was going on inside of her head, because to him she could appear to be just fine one moment, and in the next suicidal for no apparent reason. “I’m here, and I’m not leaving,” Tom reassured her and gently caressed the top of her hand with his fingertips.

“You really should leave. For your own sake. All I do is wear people out and ruin their lives. I’m like a vampire, sucking the life out of everyone who’s unfortunate enough to meet me,” Norah advised him seriously, seemingly convinced that she really had that much of a negative influence on other people’s lives. “You should get Sarah to leave me too. I’ve already ruined her life enough as it is. She might listen to you, because she really loves you. With me out of the way, you two could have a happy life together,” Norah continued urgently, interrupting Tom before he had even had the chance to begin to object. Tom frowned as he slowly shook his head at her in disagreement.

“Norah, that’s not true. You haven’t ruined my life in any way, darling. You’ve enriched it. You’ve helped broaden my perspective and made me grow as a person. I’m glad to have met you and I’m happy to have you in my life,” Tom assured her eagerly. Norah shook her head at him, letting him know that she didn’t believe him. Because how could anyone be truly happy to have her in their life? She was nothing but a burden, which was why everyone whose path she happened to cross would at some point begin to distance themselves from her. Even her uncle, who was also her godfather, had abandoned her.

“It’s only a matter of time until you leave Sarah because of me. Her last boyfriend was a lot like you, you know. He tried to help, he really did, and he was such a good guy. But I just kept pushing and pushing until he eventually had had enough. Sarah really loved him, and like the human parasite that I am, I fucking ruined their relationship,” Norah told him anxiously. “Everything would be better if I was dead. I don’t deserve to live, because all I do is ruin things.”

“Come on, Norah. That’s not true, and you know that. It’s your depression making you think like this,” Tom told her and squeezed her hand lightly, as if to assure her that he was there and didn’t intend to go anywhere. “You can’t lay the blame on yourself for what happened between Sarah and her ex-boyfriend. As far as I know, all relationships are hard, and I guess that’s the way it should be. It’s not supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows, because until you actually face setbacks together, you don’t truly know where you have each other. Setbacks make out the breaking points that either weaken or strengthen the bonds between people. They are necessary and help you decide whether you think your relationship with that other person is worth fighting for or not,” Tom explained and smiled encouragingly at Norah before he continued to speak. “I have come to the conclusion that what Sarah and I have is worth fighting for, just like your life is worth fighting for. Our lives definitely wouldn’t be any better without you, Norah. If you left, we would be standing there with a void impossible to fill. Nothing would be the same anymore. We need you to stay with us.”

“You need me? Yeah right,” Norah snorted at him. She then smiled bitterly before speaking to him in a low voice. “Look, I get why you feel like you should say those things. But seriously, Tom, don’t take me for a fool. You would be perfectly fine without me. In fact, it would be a great relief for everyone if I just disappeared for good. Things would be better without me. So why couldn’t you just let me end it? Why did you have to play the hero and stop me from ending my pathetic existence? Stupidly risking your own life in the process! It was reckless and idiotic of you! Because unlike me, you have everything to live for! You shouldn’t risk your life for anyone! Especially not me!”

Tom looked a bit taken aback by the sudden rebuke, his mouth falling slightly open with surprise and a frown appearing on his forehead. He searched his mind for the right words to say to make Norah realise that she was dead wrong in her assumptions. He felt like he was banging his heart against a wall, his good intentions unable to get through to the girl trapped behind it.

“I love you,” Tom heard himself say. “You don’t go into people’s lives and steal their hearts and then shatter them into a million pieces. That’s something you just don’t do, Norah. Because it’s not fair.” Tom continued to let his heart pour out with hurt clearly visible in his eyes. “It’s really frightening to love you, because it feels like you might disappear at any moment. And it hurts so bad to hear that you don’t even seem to realise how terribly missed you would be if you were gone. How can you possibly think that we would be able to move on just like that without you? What kind of people do you think we are? Why is it so hard for you to accept the fact that you are loved?” he questioned, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked to the girl for answers. If only he could understand her way of reasoning, he surely would be able to find a way to help her, right?

Norah shook her head roughly at Tom, as though she was trying to shake off his words along with her own feelings. Why did she have to feel so much? There was a full blown war going on inside of her, and the intense conflicting emotions were tearing her up inside, disrupting her thought process.

She was never even wanted to begin with. Her parents never planned on having a second child. She didn’t want to be loved, because that only made it so much harder to end it all. She didn’t deserve to be loved, because she had evil inside of her. She could feel the darkness creeping through her veins, poisoning the lives of all those around her. Tom was only lying to her, just like her parents did when they told her they loved her. She was a burden to them, like she was a burden to Sarah. What Sarah and Tom truly wanted was for her to die. They just wanted to prolong her suffering by putting doubt into her mind. No one truly wanted to help her, they were all just sadists taking great pleasure in watching her agony. Her entire existence was nothing but a cruel joke. Sarah had been in on it from the start, why else would she tell Norah about being a mistake all those years ago? But Tom… no, Tom would never do that. He was good, not evil. But being good wasn’t the same as being truthful. He would never love her. She meant nothing to him. After all, she was nothing but an accident. A mistake. Unwanted and unneeded by everyone.

Norah sat up on the bed with her legs crossed, her back hunched and her hands clasped behind her head with her elbows resting against her thighs. She stared down at the contours of her legs underneath the blankets as though she expected to find all the answers there. She could feel Tom’s waking eyes on her, and sense the apprehension and unease her actions awoke in him.

After a long moment of pressing silence, Norah groaned frustratedly and let her hands drop to her knees with a thud. She glared down at her hands, as if they were to blame for her inability to decide what to do next. Live or die? It would have been so much easier for her to just end it all if the people around her would just stop putting doubt into her mind. Doubt that made her question the truth-value of her thoughts. Was her life really as insignificant as she had brought herself to believe? Would it truly never get better? Was there really no point in sticking around for just a little bit longer to see if anything actually would change?

Norah couldn’t hold the conflicting emotions and thoughts at bay anymore, so they began to rage blindly at each other - unable to tell friend from foe, or simply not bothering to discriminate between the two. There was a full blown chaotic war going on inside of her, and Norah felt like her head was about to explode from the overwhelming intensity of it. And then, when she was just about to snap because she couldn’t take it anymore, it all just suddenly stopped. She became numb from feeling too much, and indifferent from caring too much.

She fell back against the pillows and stared up at the white ceiling with a blank expression on her face. Embracing the longed for silence inside her head, Norah continued to stare before her, not taking any notice as to what she was seeing. She felt as though she was floating through the air, freed from the burden of thought and emotion.

Clueless of how much time had passed, Norah automatically shut her unseeing eyes as a strong light pierced into them. She felt as though she was violently snapped back into reality, filled with the sensation of falling down on the bed as her previously light body got back to being heavy. She let out a disgruntled groan as she slowly opened her eyes again. They were still pained from the blinding light and she had to blink several times before she could see properly.

Norah found herself staring into the eyes of a man with a big, greying beard and almost no hair on the top of his head. His lips were moving, but she was unable to discern any of the words leaving them. She frowned as she focused her attention on the sound of the man’s deep voice, trying to figure out what he was saying.

“-u hear me? Norah, can you hear me?”

Norah slowly nodded her head ‘yes’ at him, before turning her head to the side, hoping to find Tom and Sarah anywhere nearby. But there was only the doctor and a nurse in the room with her.

“Good,” the doctor said, bringing her attention back to him. “Can you speak?”

“Yeh,” Norah replied reluctantly, finding it more straining than usual to speak. “Where are they?” she wondered.

“Your sister and her husband?” the doctor asked. Norah gave him a confused look. “Sarah and Tim?” he elaborated, causing Norah to smile in mild amusement.

“Tom,” she corrected him. “And as far as I know, they’re not married. At least not yet.”

“Ah, I see,” the doctor replied and quickly scribbled something down on one of the many papers he had attached to his clipboard. “It was past visiting hours, so I sent them home,” he replied nonchalantly and continued to stare down at his notes, squinting as though he had trouble discerning some of the words.

“Oh.”

“They didn’t want to leave,” the nurse assured her and smiled warmly at Norah while carefully detaching the IV drip from her arm. “They said they would be back first thing in the morning.”

Norah smiled appreciatively at the woman, and then turned her attention back to the pensive doctor.

“And when can I leave?” Norah questioned irritably and had to suppress a smile as the doctor jumped in surprise. He had been so deep in thought that he momentarily seemed to have lost track of where he was.

“Erhm, that question will be addressed during tomorrow’s team meeting. For now, all you need to know is that we’re keeping you here overnight,” the doctor informed her decidedly.

“On what grounds?” Norah questioned, causing the doctor to raise his bushy eyebrows at her.

“You were going to kill yourself,” he reminded and gave her a significative look. “You also caused quite a stir on your way here,” he added, now looking curiously at her. “Do you remember any of that?”

“What are you talking about?” Norah asked confusedly, completely clueless as to what event he was referring. The doctor turned the pages and skimmed through one of the papers before answering her question.

“According to the report, you got very upset about something when you were in the helicopter. When the paramedics tried to calm you down, you became physically violent and left them no other choice than to sedate you,” he informed Norah as a matter of factly. “It’s not unusual for those anesthetics to cause memory loss,” the doctor added in that pragmatic tone, making Norah unsure whether he said it to assure her or simply just because he thought he ought to share that information with her.

Norah looked pensively at the doctor as he rummaged through the pile of papers on his clipboard. Once he finally found what he was looking for, he removed a bunch of forms from the board and handed them over to Norah.

“Would you be so kind as to fill these in for me?” the doctor asked with a smile so stiff and unnatural that Norah almost burst into a fit of nervous laughter. Was he for real?

“Umm, I’d much rather not,” Norah objected honestly, but unwillingly accepted the pen he held out for her.

“Just give them to someone in the night staff once you’re done. And if you have any questions about the forms, I’m sure they’ll be able to help you,” the doctor informed her as he began to take his leave.

Norah stared after him with a confused look on her face as he simply walked out the door without so much as a goodbye. Her slight confusion was soon replaced by great annoyance as she glanced down at the papers in her hands. Instead of actually asking her questions about how she was feeling, the doctor had simply dumped a bunch of questionnaires in her lap. She was used to doctors being rather impersonal and practical, but the behaviour of the one she had just met was just downright bizarre.

Norah sighed soundly as she forced herself to read the first question on the first form. _‘Have you ever thought about or attempted to kill yourself?’_ She glared down at the paper and pressed the pen down hard against its white surface, using capital letters as she wrote a little greeting to the doctor. She repeated the action, writing the same two words on every single paper without answering so much as a single question on any of them. Once she was done, Norah threw the bunch of papers up against the ceiling and watched them fall to the floor.

With a satisfied smirk, Norah climbed out of the bed and went to explore her immediate surroundings. The only thing in the sparsely furnished room that really caught her interest was the backpack sitting on the desk by the window, and the note lying next to it on top of a folded sweater.

_‘I’m so sorry about this. I really tried to change their minds about placing you here, but they wouldn’t listen. They’re making us leave now, but we’ll be back first thing in the morning. We’ll get through this together. Please call me when you see this, if you feel well enough to talk. Otherwise, I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you so much. Sarah.’_

Norah’s eyes filled with tears as she looked down at her sister’s rushed handwriting. She smiled sadly to herself as she held up the short note against her chest, embracing its words. With a heavy sigh, she slumped down into the chair by the desk, still clutching the paper in her hands. She stared at the closed curtain for a long moment before pulling it upwards to reveal the view of the poorly illuminated hospital parking lot.

There was a light knock on the door before it slowly opened. Feeling herself already getting fed up with staying at the hospital due to the lack of privacy that came along with it, Norah snapped her head around to see who it was. A tall man who appeared to be in his early to mid thirties greeted her with a careful smile.

“Oh, sorry. Is this a bad time?” he asked apologetically upon noticing all the papers spread across the floor.

“That’s okay,” Norah assured him with an embarrassed smile and placed her sister’s note on the desktop before getting up from the chair. Feeling self-conscious about her scars, Norah instinctively reached out for the sweater on the desk and put it on. Her heart filled with warmth as she realised that it was Tom’s, and to judge by it’s placement, it had been quite deliberately left there for her. She quickly wiped the tears away with the back of her hand and smiled awkwardly at the staff member as she bent down to collect the papers on the floor. He was quick to lend her his aid and within minutes, they had all the papers neatly piled.

“Sebastian. Nurse aide,” the man introduced himself, holding out his hand towards Norah.

“Norah. Psycho killer,“ she greeted with a playful smile as she shook his hand. “I was supposed to give those to someone when I was done filling them in,” Norah added as the man smiled amusedly at her and held out the questionnaires towards him.

“They don’t look so filled in to me,” Sebastian pointed out as he glanced down at the papers after accepting them.

“Well, I’m done with them,” Norah replied with a shrug.

“How about we fill them in together?” Sebastian offered, picking up the pen from the floor. “I’ll read you the questions and you answer.”

“How about the other way around?” Norah suggested humorously as she sat back down in the chair and placed her feet on top of the desk.

“Nah, I’d much rather not end up a patient here,” Sebastian replied with a wink as he moved the chair from the bedside and placed it on the floor in the middle of the room facing Norah.

“Just admit it already. You already _are_ a patient here,” Norah said, and chuckled as the man dramatically slumped down in the chair with an exaggerated look of despair on his face, his expression reminding her of Edvard Munch’s iconic painting _‘The Scream’_.

Sebastian smiled at her as he sat up straight in the chair and crossed his legs, using his right knee to support the papers he intended to fill in for her.

“Okay,” he said and cleared his throat, his serious expression indicating that it was time to get some work done. “First question. Have you ever thought about or attempted to kill yourself?”

“No,” Norah replied shortly, causing him to look up at her from his papers with a dubious expression.

“That’s peculiar, considering the fact that your suicidal intentions was the reason you were brought here in the first place,” Sebastian mused. He smiled sympathetically at her to let her know that he wasn’t angry with her for being dishonest. “I know all those questions might be difficult to answer, because it’s not easy to talk about those things. Part of the reason why they are asked in questionnaires is that some people find it easier to answer the questions more truthfully if they just need to put a cross in a checkbox rather than talking to someone about it. Would you like to try that instead?”

Norah shook her head at him. “I don’t want to fill them in at all.”

“I understand that, but it’s important that you do. These forms can pick up important information that might otherwise go by unnoticed. It’s like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle; every single piece of information is important to get the full picture,” Sebastian explained. 

Norah smiled sadly to herself as she realised that the man before her reminded her of Tom. When it came to appearance, the only thing Sebastian and Tom really had in common was their height. But when it came to other traits, they did seem to have some things in common. Like Tom, Sebastian instilled in Norah a feeling of trust and safety. And like Tom probably would have done, Sebastian insisted on trying to convince her to fill in the papers, rather than just letting her have her way, which would have been a whole lot easier.

“Fine,” Norah finally agreed, accepting the papers from Sebastian. She sighed heavily as she rested her head in her hand while skimming through the questions. She cursed when she tried to grab the pen with her left hand and found that the cast prevented her from bending her index finger as much as she needed. She sat up straight and quickly filled in the first page with her right hand before going on to read the next. While Norah filled in the forms, Sebastian kept himself occupied with moving the medical equipment from her room and placing a nightstand in its place. He also placed a tray of food on the desk in front of her.

Norah simply pushed the tray away from her to indicate that she wasn’t in the least interested in anything on it, and then continued to fill in the forms. Once she was done, she wordlessly handed Sebastian the papers. He smiled as he looked down and noticed the words Norah had written for down the doctor in her previous moment of rage.

“ _‘Fuck off!’_ Well, at least you didn’t tear the papers into pieces,” he commented humorously, and then threw a look at the untouched food and drinks on the tray. He reached out and picked up the cup of hot chocolate and placed it in Norah’s cold hands. Her fingers automatically wrapped themselves around the cup, embracing its warmth. “Drink this, it will help you feel better,” Sebastian urged her.

As she stared down into the cup, Norah realised how thirsty she really was and looked at the tray to see if there was any water on there. She saw a glass of juice, a nutrition drink, two sandwiches and an apple, but no water.

“Can I have a drink of water?” Norah requested and frowned as Sebastian handed her the glass of juice.

“After you drink this,” he said decidedly. If she hadn’t been so damn thirsty, Norah would have straight down refused and fetched a glass of water herself, but instead she downed the glass of apple juice and handed it to Sebastian. “Good. Now eat something,” he told her as he walked across the room and into the bathroom that Norah had failed to notice earlier.

While Sebastian was out of sight, filling the glass with water for her, Norah split one of the sandwiches in half and quickly pressed one of the pieces into one of the deep pockets of her sweatpants to make it look like she had eaten something.

“Thank you,” Norah said appreciatively as she accepted the glass of cold water from him. She felt a sting of bad consciousness for tricking him as he smiled warmly at her. “I feel sick,” she informed him, which was actually true. “I don’t think I can eat anymore without throwing up.”

“You do look a bit pale,” Sebastian commented as he gave her a concerned look. “Sometimes the nausea gets better after you’ve eaten a little. Why don’t you try another few bites?” he suggested helpfully.

“I’m not hungry,” Norah objected.

“You might not feel hungry, but your body and mind still needs you to eat. It’s very important right now that you get enough food and sleep. You need that in order to get better so you can go home,” Sebastian explained, with eyes so compassionate that Norah forced herself to take an actual bite from the sandwich in order to soothe her bad conscience.

She was hungry, and the cheese sandwich wasn’t that bad, and it actually did help still her nausea. Norah turned away from Sebastian, feeling disgusted with herself for almost finishing the rest of the sandwich.

“Norah? What’s wrong? Do you feel angsty because you ate?” the nurse aide wondered as he carefully placed a hand on top of her shoulder. “It’s okay, Norah. It’s okay. Just breathe and try to relax. Can you do that for me?”

Norah turned to look at him helplessly. The feeling of suffocating wouldn’t go away no matter how deep breaths she took.

“Hey, calm down. Look at me. Slow and long breaths. In-two-three-four, and out-two-three-four,” Sebastian spoke to her in a soothing manner and continued to count for her until she had calmed down again. “Are you okay? You did very well, Norah. Very well,” he commended her kindly.

“I can’t eat anymore,” Norah told him. “I just can’t. I won’t,” she emphasised while shaking her head. Sebastian looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before nodding his head at her.

“Okay,” he agreed. “But you have to drink this.” He grabbed the chilled nutrition drink, shook it, unscrewed the cork and put in the straw before handing it over to Norah.

“But it’s 300 calories!” she objected indignantly, causing the nurse aide to raise his eyebrows at her as he crossed his arms.

“Well, you can still eat the rest of the food,” he offered decidedly.

Norah glared at him, and sighed in defeat as she realised that she was too tired to argue with him. After all, it wasn’t that bad of a deal. She didn’t have to eat everything on the tray, which had been her main concern ever since she first laid her eyes on it.

“Are you up for a quick tour before lights out?” Sebastian asked Norah once she had finished the awful drink.

“Okay,” Norah replied with a shrug, eager to have something to do that would help her forget about her recent calorie intake.

As they walked around the ward and Norah caught a glimpse of a few of the other patients, it dawned upon her. She had been placed in an adult psychiatric ward. That explained Sarah’s argument with the doctor - she wasn’t unhappy with the fact that he had decided to take Norah in, but with the fact that he had placed her with grown-ups. Norah’s heart sunk and she felt like an idiot for having thought that Sarah had opposed the whole idea of hospitalising her.

Norah slumped down into one of the armchairs by the TV in the common area and just stared blankly at the screen, completely indifferent as to what was on. She didn’t even notice the other patients retreating to their rooms, nor did she react when the TV was turned off.

“Norah?”

Norah blinked and flinched as she noticed Sebastian squatting down in front of her, putting him at eye-level with her.

“What?” she asked irritably.

“It’s eleven pm, time for bed,” Sebastian explained. Norah’s eyes watered as she glared at him. How could he talk about her going to sleep when her entire world was falling apart?

“I’m not tired,” Norah objected, although that wasn’t true. She was in fact very tired, but she didn’t feel like sleeping, because she didn’t want tomorrow to come. She didn’t want to see Sarah or Tom, because she knew that things would never change. She would always be Sarah’s weird little sister who never achieved anything. Tom would never look at Norah the way he looked at Sarah. This was where Norah truly belonged; in a place for broken people. “I can’t be fixed.”

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

“No one can fix me. I will never be good enough,” Norah told him despondently.

“Good enough for what?” Sebastian asked as he helped her out of the armchair and began walking her to her room.

“For anything.”

“It might feel like that right now, but I think deep down you know as well as I do that it’s not true,” Sebastian replied as he opened the door to her room and led her inside. Norah looked at him with melancholy eyes as he sat her down on the bed.

“I don’t want to be here, and I don’t want to be anywhere else either,” Norah told him. “I don’t want tomorrow to come, because I know things will never change. I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of being me.”

“It sounds like you’re going through a very difficult time right now and I’m really sorry to hear that,” Sebastian said with sincerity in his dark eyes. “This is a place where people can rest. And sometimes, when they’ve rested, they’re be able to see things differently. Maybe you will too?”

“I sincerely doubt that,” Norah muttered as she got up from the bed and walked over to where her backpack was. She unzipped it and was surprised by what she found in there.

Sitting down on the chair, Norah picked up a little plush bunny from the bag. It had a little note from Tom attached to one of its paws and she couldn’t help but smile as she recalled how she had embarrassed him the other night by referring to him and Sarah as rabbits. Considering how mortified he had been, Tom surely must have remembered it too. _‘Sail on silver girl. Love, Tom.’_ the note read. Norah hugged the plush animal as she thought about how Tom had played her the Simon and Garfunkel song to help her fall asleep. Perhaps she hadn’t been reading too much into his choice of song after all. The fact that Tom chose to refer to the song like this indicated that it had indeed been a conscious decision to play her that precise song.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Sebastian announced with a friendly smile before leaving the room. Norah briefly returned his smile before turning her attention back to her backpack.

She found a get well card from Sophie and Benedict, which was really sweet. Benedict had made a little drawing of himself carrying Norah over his shoulder, obviously referring to their walk back from the tavern. He had made an arrow pointing to the girl in the drawing and scribbled the words _‘lightweight drinker’_ next to it, playfully mocking her about preceding night. Norah smiled as she thought about Benedict and how much fun she had had with him during the short time they’d known each other. She missed him already, and really wished she hadn’t let him and Sophie see how messed up she really was.

Trying to push away the thoughts about how she had made a fool out of herself, Norah eagerly opened the envelope. It held a usb-stick, a drawing of a girl staring by the ocean with the wind blowing through her hair that was signed by Riko and a neatly handwritten letter from Joe.

_Hey you._

_I realise that sending you this might be considered a bit strange of me, seeing as we barely know each other. But I got the impression that you don’t mind strange all that much. The reason I’m writing this is that I want you to know that I really care about you, even though we just met. There’s something about you that really speaks to me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, which only makes it even more interesting._

_I know you’re going through a really hard time right now and that everything might feel pointless. But please, remember that life is not ever pointless, even if it sometimes feels that way. It’s worth hanging onto during times of darkness, because eventually you’ll catch a glimpse of light again. And that light will help you see that what you have is worth fighting for. It’s not your fault that you’re feeling like this right now, so please, try not to blame yourself for it._

_The film on the USB is one of my all time favourites. I think you’ll understand why once you see it. It made me feel less alone when it felt like I had no one, and like less of a freak when I thought I was going insane._

_I hope it can be of help to you too. I have a feeling you might like it._

_Take care, and don’t give in without a fight._

_Yours sincerely,  
Joe Coleman._

Norah felt deeply moved by Joe’s words and she smiled as she thought about their afternoon together. She had been a complete mess, and yet, he hadn’t shied away from her like most people would. He had made himself available and invited her into his home as though she was an old friend rather than a complete stranger. She felt a special connection to him, and to judge from his letter, Joe seemed to feel it too. Norah carefully folded the letter and put it back into the envelope along with Riko’s beautiful drawing and the USB-stick. She felt more at ease now, and almost excited about what the future had in store for her.

Norah was looking for her toothbrush when she found that Sarah had bought her a jigsaw puzzle. It had more or less become a tradition for Sarah to buy Norah puzzles whenever she was hospitalised. The original motivation behind this idea had been that puzzle solving was a far better way for Norah to pass the time than getting herself into trouble.

Norah smiled sadly as she recalled one particular event from her troublemaking days. She had been placed at a group home with other teenagers and one day one of the other patients had managed to sneak in some moonshine. Being bored out of her mind by the lack of stimulation she found in the restrictive environment, Norah had gladly accepted the offer to share the bottle of alcohol with a girl she hardly even knew. As a result of the disabling hangover Norah found herself in following morning, the staff called her uncle there to pick her up. They told him to bring her back once she was in a more receptive state for the treatment they had to offer. Norah had been dreading her uncle’s arrival, thinking that he would be straight out furious with her, like the staff had been. But when uncle Will and Sarah came to pick her up, they had both started laughing at how pale she got when it was time for her to get into the car. She threw up in a bag for most of the car ride home, just wanting to spend the day in bed sleeping it off. Sarah, Will and his three daughters, who were all older than Norah, had proceeded to taunt her mercilessly for weeks after the event. Norah couldn’t decide which would have been worse, being teased, albeit in a loving manner, or admonished for making such a poor decision.

Back then, Norah had been angry with them for teasing her like that. But now that things had changed, it had become one of her dearest memories. It reminded her of a time when her uncle wasn’t sick, when he had been able to be there for her like a stand-in father. He used to be her legal guardian, but he eventually signed those rights over to Sarah, as he came to terms with the fact that he would no longer be able to look after his niece when he was busy fighting for his own life.

Norah blinked away the tears that the memory provoked and carefully placed the little box on the desk. There was a post-it attached to it. _‘It’s only 100 pieces - not because I couldn’t find any larger ones, but because I have every intention to get you back home as soon as possible. Love, S.’_ Norah had to re-read the note to make sure that she had read it right. Sarah wanted to bring her home. Not to another hospital or institution, but home. Suddenly remembering Sarah’s invitation to call her once she woke up, Norah began rummaging through the backpack for her phone. Her hands were shaking with anticipation as she turned it on and proceeded to call Sarah’s phone.

“Norah?” Sarah was so quick to answer the phone that it almost seemed as though she had been sitting there on edge, waiting for it to ring.

“Hi... I saw the letter,” Norah said apprehensively. It felt strange talking to Sarah after everything that had happened lately, and she didn’t quite know what to say. But once she began talking, it all just seemed to pour out of her. “I-I’m sorry for what I said before, about mom and dad I mean. I didn’t know. It wasn’t your fault. You know that right? It wasn’t your fault that it happened. And it wasn’t mine either. It was nobody’s fault, just a meaningless accident. Blaming ourselves for it won’t change a thing, so let’s not do that anymore, shall we?” Norah suggested, tears streaming down her face as she spoke. She could hear Sarah cry at the other end and it caused her to cry even harder herself.

During her heartfelt conversation with her sister, Sebastian came in to check on Norah and initially wanted her to hang up the phone and go to sleep.

“I really need to do this now. It’s important,” Norah insisted earnestly. “It’s my sister.”

“Okay, but when I get back, I want you to hang up and go to bed. You’ve got fifteen minutes,” Sebastian said decidedly before leaving the room.

“Who was that?” Sarah asked.

“One of the night staff. I have to hang up in fifteen minutes,” Norah explained.

“Okay. It’s important that you get to sleep,” Sarah agreed, causing her sister to laugh. “What? What’s so funny?”

“That’s so typical of you, agreeing to whatever the staff is saying,” Norah pointed out.

“I don’t always do that,” Sarah huffed. “Today I didn’t.” Norah could hear Tom voice and laughter in the background. “Shut up, Tom! It’s not funny!” Sarah warned him.

“What’s not funny?” Norah asked curiously.

“Nothi-” Sarah began to say before the phone was ripped out of her hands. Norah smiled amusedly upon hearing Sarah’s increasingly distant protests as someone walked off with her phone.

“Sarah told your doctor to take his opinion and stick it up his arse!” Benedict excitedly blurted out into the receiver.

“She did?!” Norah asked in astonishment. “Wait, are you with Sarah?”

“We checked into the same hotel. We’ve been waiting all night for you to call,” Benedict revealed.

“You have?” Norah asked incredulously.

“Yeah, of course. We got worried about you,” Benedict explained. “How are you feeling, by the way?”

“Better,” Norah replied, feeling embarrassed by the way she had been acting in front of him and Sophie.

“I’m glad to hear that. Sarah insists on getting her phone back, so I’ll talk to you later. Sophie sends her regards,” Benedict said hurriedly and in the next moment, Sarah was back on the other end.

“I’m sorry about that. Tom jumped me and Ben ran off with the phone,” Sarah explained apologetically.

“Did you really tell my doctor to take hi-” Norah began to ask, but Sarah interrupted her before she even had the time to finish phrasing her question.

“Don’t you dare say it! I’ve been teased all night about that. Just because I said something- like that, doesn’t mean that you get to do it. Is that clear?” Sarah told her, trying to sound strict, but failing miserably as she began laughing as she spoke. “Damn it. I’m sorry. But he was a bit of an arse, wasn’t he?”

“He was,” Norah happily agreed.

“But you don’t get to tell him that,” Sarah added firmly.

“I don’t think I need to, since you seem to be doing that so well yourself,” Norah teased laughingly.

“I will never get to hear the end of this, will I?” Sarah asked with an exaggerated sigh.

“No,” Norah laughed.

“Tom wants to talk to you,” Sarah said. “Our fifteen minutes are almost up, so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, see you in a couple of hours. I love you, Sarah. Make sure to catch some sleep,” Norah replied with a smile, wishing she could give her sister a hug right there and then.

“The same goes for you, sweetheart. I love you so much. Take care and sleep tight,” Sarah told her and began to sound tearful again. Norah felt like crying herself, not because she was sad, but because she felt relieved that they had managed to have a full conversation without fighting each other.

“Hello, sweetie. Are you doing alright?” Tom greeted her.

“I’m fine,” Norah replied, trying not to sob into the receiver.

“Are you crying?”

“Yes, but only because I’m happy,” Norah admitted.

“I’m glad to hear that. I’m really proud of you for making this call. I know it must have been hard for you,” Tom told her appreciatively. “You made Sarah very happy. I think she’ll finally be able to relax now that she knows you’re alright.”

“That’s good. She needs to get some rest. And so do you. Can you do me a favour and not set any alarms for tomorrow? Have a lie-in and get some rest for once,” Norah requested.

“I seriously doubt that Sarah will agree to that,” Tom objected truthfully.

“Then don’t tell her. Turn off the alarm when she’s fallen asleep,” Norah insisted. “I’m serious, Tom. You’ve looked so tired lately. You and Sarah both need to get a good night’s sleep.”

“We’ll see... Are you sure you’ll be alright if we don’t turn up at nine tomorrow morning?” Tom asked.

“I’ll be fine. I might even sleep long past that anyhow, because unlike yourself, I’m not an early riser,” Norah assured him, and smiled as she heard him chuckle at the other end.

“God knows you’re not an early riser,” Tom agreed amusedly.

“I’ve got to go now,” Norah announced upon hearing a light knock on the door. “You better sleep tight, Tom. Because if you don’t, mark my words, I will most certainly beat the crap out of you.”

“Ehehehe. We’ll see about that, babydoll. Sleep tight,” Tom replied, seemingly amused by her threat. Norah smiled and shook her head to herself as she hung up the phone.

“How delightful, I didn’t even have to tell you twice,” Sebastian commended her humorously and smiled widely at her. Norah returned his smile, feeling strangely optimistic about the future. Perhaps something good would come out of this after all, because for the first time in a long time, Norah felt like Sarah was actually on her side.


	17. "Shut up, you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  
> Sorry about the long wait and thank you for reading.

“I thought I told you to have a lie-in!” Norah admonished as she watched Tom and Sarah walk up to the table by which she was seated. She gleefully stood up to greet them, eager to get out of the chair that she had been forced to remain on for the last hour due to her refusal to finish her breakfast.

“Believe me, I tried!” a tired looking Tom laughingly defended himself.

“I told you I wanted to be here as early as possible. It’s not my fault you decided to stay up most of the night to empty the minibar with Ben,” Sarah reminded him teasingly over her shoulder before proceeding to hug Norah hard. “How are you? Did you sleep alright?” she asked her little sister and trembled slightly as she tightened her embrace, as if to indicate that she wasn’t going to let Norah leave her.

Norah could tell that her sister was already close to tears and decided not to mention the fact that she’d been having nightmares. She had dreamt about their parents’ accident, and then about Tom falling from a cliff, Sarah drowning in the ocean and her uncle Will dying from his cancer. She had been tortured with images of those she cared about the most dying, and she hadn’t been able to save any of them, no matter how hard she tried.

“I’m good,” Norah lied. “But it’s hard to have a good night’s sleep when they keep opening the door every fifteen minutes to check on you. How are you holding up? Are you okay?” she asked concernedly and clung on to her sister’s thinning frame as if she was a lifebuoy in the middle of the ocean. It wasn’t out of the ordinary that Sarah lost some weight during more stressful periods. It had been like that since Sarah went to highschool and decided that she had to get an A in every single subject. But still her current weight loss caused Norah to worry. “How much weight have you lost? You’re not ill, are you?”

Norah felt bad for not having noticed this sooner, but she rarely hugged Sarah this hard, and Sarah usually wore baggy clothes in the autumn and winter, so it hadn’t been all that easy to notice. She felt disgusted with herself, for being too self-absorbed to notice such things about the people closest to her. Everyone around her just seemed to be getting thinner, whereas Norah was gaining weight.

“I’m okay, Norah. I really am. You know how I get when I’m stressing out about things. But I’ve heard that my next course won’t be as demanding when it comes to studying independently, it will contain more practical elements,” Sarah assured her as they finally broke the hug, taking a step back from each other. She held her hands on Norah’s shoulders and looked intently at her. “You think it’s unfair, don’t you? That I get to decide when and what to eat when you don’t,” Sarah guessed, causing Norah to lower her gaze self-consciously.

“I just don’t want to be treated as a child anymore,” Norah responded ruefully. “And I don’t want to feel disgusting.”

Tears ran down Sarah’s face as she softly stroke Norah’s cheek and looked at her tenderly. “You are not disgusting, Norah. I wish I could make you see just how beautiful you really are. And I know you’re not a child. I promise I will try harder to not make you feel like I’m treating you as such,” Sarah asserted.

“Thank you,” Norah whispered and placed her hand on top of Sarah’s, giving it a light squeeze. “I love you,” she added with a gentle smile.

“I love you too,” Sarah replied with a warm smile. “More than you could ever imagine.”

Norah felt moved and a little awkward as she stood there in front of her sister. Sarah removed her hand from Norah’s cheeks to wipe the tears from her own, before turning to greet the nurse aide who had accompanied Norah and another patient by the table for the last hour.

“Hey there,” Tom greeted Norah with a heart-warming smile and brought her into a hug.

“Hi,” Norah replied and chuckled lightly as she sensed the smell of alcohol on him. “Did you and Ben actually empty the minibar?” she questioned amusedly as they pulled away from each other.

“Well, he and Sophie are going back home today so... since we didn’t go out on Friday night as planned, we figured we might as well use the opportunity and hang out for a bit. God knows when we’ll be able to see each other again,” Tom excused himself, even though Norah hadn’t demanded an explanation or been the least disapproving towards him.

“You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed,” Norah teased him.

“Shut up, you,” Tom replied amusedly and playfully pushed her shoulder. Norah thoughtlessly reached out and pinched one of his nipples, causing Tom to gasp in surprise and inhale sharply in pain.

“Oops!” Norah uttered with a chuckle as she let go, throwing a quick glance in Sarah’s direction to find her sister engaged in conversation with the nurse aide. Tom took the opportunity to lightly tap her bottom. Norah’s mouth fell open as she stared at him in shock and instinctively reached back to cover the spot where the light slap had landed. His touch appeared quite spontaneous and innocent, but it still caused a tingling sensation between her legs.

“Oops,” Tom retorted smugly. Norah’s cheeks reddened and she tensed up as she vainly tried to suppress her body’s reaction to his touch. Tom smiled mischievously as he proceeded to lean in and whisper in her ear. “You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.” His voice sent chills down her spine and triggered that wonderful, but highly unwelcome sensation in Norah’s lower abdomen.

Norah frustratedly bit her lip and threw another glance in her sister’s direction to make sure that no one was watching them. Her vagina was soaking wet and throbbing from excitement and she could feel a slight ache in her breasts, making her want to reach up and touch them. Or better up, she wanted for Tom’s big hands to reach out and squeeze them hard, and if she had her way, it wouldn’t stop at that. He would touch her ass again, massaging and squeezing it roughly. Then he would push her up against a wall and press his hard-on against her front as he lustfully kissed her.

Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest and Norah swallowed nervously as she looked up at Tom with her big, grey-blue eyes. Her pupils were more dilated than usual and her lips appeared plumper as she automatically moistened them with her tongue. She wanted so badly to touch him, to press her body up against his and make him feel as aroused as he made her feel. But she didn’t dare to attempt any of that, fearing his rejection now more than ever before.

If it had been Benedict standing in front of her, it would have been different, because Norah wasn’t hopelessly in love with him. Even if she felt undeniably attracted to Benedict, she didn’t fear his rejection. On the contrary, she counted on it if she for some reason would ever seriously try to seduce him. Not that she thought it would ever come to that. With Tom, she would be truly devastated if she opened up to him about her feelings and he turned her down. She was almost certain that he would do just that, which was why it was probably better if she did not even try to find out, even if that too was far from optimal.

She assumed it was just a product of her wishful imagination, but for a brief moment Norah thought she saw Tom looking at her with desire in his eyes. Then he suddenly broke eye contact with her, and turned to look at Sarah who was still conversing with the nurse aide. Norah followed his gaze and begrudgingly wondered why her sister got to be blessed with all those qualities Tom seemed to find desirable, whereas Norah felt more like the opposite of just that. Unlike Sarah, Norah was far from independent, and she was hardly what most people had in mind when referring to someone as a ‘strong woman’, whatever that was supposed to mean. Norah had never thought of herself as particularly intelligent, whereas that was one of the words often used by others to describe her sister. Sarah - an intelligent, kindhearted and refined beauty. An elegant, shining diamond. Whereas Norah felt more like a chipped and gloomy piece of coal that would likely never turn into something for others to admire.

“I’m so sorry, I really shouldn’t have done that. It was highly inappropriate of me,” Tom quietly apologised to Norah, interrupting her train of thought.

“Done what?” Norah asked confusedly and looked up at him with a furrowed brow. Tom smiled vaguely as he regarded her pensively.

“Smacked your bottom,” he replied quietly as he continued to look at her thoughtfully.

Norah blushed in response. “Oh, that. I know it was only meant as joke, so don’t worry about it. It’s not like it hurt or anything...” she mumbled awkwardly.

“Good. I still shouldn’t have done it, though. It was inappropriate and I’m really sorry,” Tom insisted and smiled at her as he motioned towards the table. “Is that your plate?” he wondered, causing Norah to groan. She wanted to rid herself of the sexual frustration that had been building up inside of her, not sit down to finish the food she never even wanted to begin with.

“No, it’s not,” she muttered bitterly as Tom gently placed a hand on her shoulder and steered her towards the table. “I have to use the toilet,” she objected half-heartedly when he motioned for her to sit down.

“I think you can hold it for a little bit longer,” Tom insisted. “The sooner you finish, the sooner you can go.”

“No, because they won’t let me go to the toilet alone after I’ve just eaten,” Norah objected bitterly.

“Then I guess they won’t let you go alone in the middle of a meal either, do they?” Tom guessed, causing Norah to dejectedly slump down in the seat next to him.

“I hate you,” Norah muttered under her breath and threw him a dirty look.

“I love you too, Sweetheart,” Tom replied and pushed the plate towards her. “Now eat.”

“No,” she replied, feeling sick as she thought about how many calories the sandwiches and fruit contained. Even if it wasn’t realistic that all that energy would actually turn into fat depots on her stomach the moment it came in contact with her lips, Norah felt like that was exactly what would happen.

“Norah, do you remember what we talked about the other day?” Tom wondered, and Norah sighingly shook her head at him, not even trying to figure out what he was referring to. “About why it’s necessary to not let you decide this for yourself right now,” he reminded.

“The tyranny of choice,” Norah remembered. “But there is always a choice, you can’t actually take that away from me.”

“Yes, there is,” Tom agreed, seemingly glad that she remembered their conversation and amused by her persistence. “Would you rather sit in here all day, or would you rather do something else, after you’ve eaten?”

Norah’s eyes watered as she looked away from Tom and the food. She had naïvely thought that she would be able to leave the room once Sarah and Tom arrived at the hospital, not that they would continue to keep her in there until she gave in to their demand. Instead of feeling gladdened by their arrival like she initially had, Norah now felt disappointed and let down by them. She glanced across the room towards the door, just in time to see the nurse aide leave the three of them alone. Sarah smiled gently at Norah as she went to sit down next to her, placing Norah between her sister and Tom. They had come there to free her, to get her out of that place, but paradoxically, their presence now caused Norah to feel even more trapped.

“Sarah, when am I getting out of here?” Norah asked, hoping that reminding her sister of her promise would make her realise that this wasn’t right.

“We will see after our meeting with the doctor this afternoon,” Sarah replied, her own automatically eyes watering at the sight of tears rolling down Norah’s face. “I will really try to convince him that we have this under control, that we can manage this without them keeping you here. But in order for me to do that, I need you to cooperate.”

“I will. Just don’t make me do this. I promise, I’ll do whatever you want. Just not this. Anything but this,” Norah pleaded, and began to sob as Sarah sadly shook her head in response.

“I’m sorry, Norah. But it doesn’t work like that. You know that,” Sarah informed her regretfully and wrapped her arms around her little sister who began to cry even harder.

“I’m hardly even underweight anymore,” Norah sobbed into her sister’s shoulder. “I’m fat and disgusting! My stomach is swollen and my stupid body is working exactly the way it should! I don’t need to gain any more weight! I’d much rather die!”

“Norah, you’re not fat and disgusting. You need to gain another couple of pounds and once you’ve done that, you need to keep that weight. If you stop eating again, you won’t be able to keep the weight and you’ll probably come back to a place like this again,” Sarah told her sadly, and gave a heavy sigh before explaining further. “I really want to help you, Norah. I want to help you so badly. But I don’t know how to do that when you don’t want to accept the kind of help I have to offer. I can’t wave a wand and make it all just go away. You’re the one who has to do all the hard work to be able to get well again. I wish I could do it all for you, but it doesn’t work like that. All I can do is to offer my support and unconditional love.”

Norah continued to cry into Sarah’s shirt for several minutes after the room had grown silent aside from her piteous sobs. She didn’t see how things would ever get better if she just ate and did all those other things her sister wanted her to do. She would still feel useless and inadequate with a high school diploma in her hands. Her grades would probably be mediocre at best, and she would always feel like an idiot in comparison to her bright sister.

Eventually, Norah’s seized to cry and sat there in silence as Sarah continued to rub her back in attempt to comfort.

“I hate this,” Norah finally said and sat back up straight, breaking the hug.

“Me too,” Sarah agreed with a sad smile as she wiped a few tears away from her own cheeks. Norah threw a look at the plate in front of her and sighed. The pieces of apple had oxidised and the cheese slices on her sandwiches had grown dry and stiff from sitting there untouched for so long.

“I can get you something more appetising,” Tom offered as he stood up and reached for her plate, not awaiting her answer. Norah glanced at Sarah and couldn’t help but smile at how her sister looked at Tom with such warmth and love in her eyes. If Norah couldn’t have Tom, maybe the second best thing actually was for Sarah to have him. They seemed to make each other happy and support each other, despite all setbacks and difficulties finding actual time to spend in each other’s company.

“Do you really think it will ever get better?” Norah asked Sarah.

“Of course I do,” Sarah told her.

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it? Why does it feel like whatever decision I make is wrong? If I eat, I feel useless and disgusting… and if I don’t eat, I feel useless and like I’m letting you down. It feels like it’s impossible for me to do anything right,” Norah explained.

“Just because it feels that way, doesn’t mean it’s true. Your illness makes you feel that way, and that is why you have to fight it. If you learn to control it, rather than being controlled by it, you will eventually begin to feel better,” Sarah explained and gently wiped the cold tears away from Norah’s cheeks.

“It sounds so easy when you put it like that,” Norah sighed. “But it’s really not.”

“I know it’s not,” Sarah said knowingly and smiled bitterly as she thought about something. “In theory, things tend to sound so much easier than they actually are. And some people are so ignorant, thinking they understand things they couldn’t possibly understand. I can’t understand what all this is like for you, because I am not you. I can think that I understand, but I know I’ll never truly understand what it’s like to be you... and that makes me sad. Because if I truly understood you, then I might have been able to do and say everything right, instead of upsetting you and making it worse.”

Norah looked at Sarah with wonder. She tended to think of her sister as a bit of a know-it-all, but hearing Sarah admit that there were things she would never be able to understand reminded her of how different their relationship had been when they were younger. Before their parents died, their mother used to be the one making Norah feel stupid by talking over her head. Sarah used to stand up for Norah and point out to their mother that is was unfair of her to expect Norah to have the same level of knowledge and vocabulary as someone who was nine years older than her. Sarah never used to talk over her little sister’s head, nor would she make Norah feel stupid by breaking things down too much as she explained something. Despite their age difference of nearly a decade, they used to be close.

“Thank you,” Norah said with a gentle smile after a moment of thoughtful silence.

“For what?” Sarah wondered as she vaguely smiled back at her sister.

“For trying to understand me,” Norah replied, and looked a bit self-conscious as she continued to speak. “I should try harder to understand you too.”

“Thank you.” Sarah seemed so moved by her sister’s reply that Norah felt a sting of bad conscience for having distanced herself from Sarah for so long. Norah wished that she could rewind the last couple of years of her life to do things differently. Of course she wished that she could undo their parents’ deaths, but if that wasn’t possible, a jump back in time would at least make it possible for Norah to undo the damage she had caused to her and Sarah’s relationship. She couldn’t help but wonder how different things would have been if only she would have accepted Sarah’s attempts of trying to comfort her, instead of running off and acting out just to make sure the world knew how angry she was with it.

“I… I’m sorry about everything I’ve put you through… I- I can’t even imagine what the last couple of years must have been like for you. I’ve been too caught up in myself…” Norah explained as she looked down at her hands resting in her lap. She felt even worse at the sight of the cast on her broken hand. It made her think of how hurt Sarah would be if she knew that Norah had done that to herself. It also reminded her of how many times she had lied to Sarah, instead of telling her the truth and ask for help when she felt like she was losing control. “I should have thought more about how you were really doing, instead of being angry with you for seeming like you were doing just fine. I didn’t think that much about how you were probably hurting on the inside, even if you didn’t let it show on the outside. I hated how the world could just go on as if nothing had happened, and that you and everyone else tried to move on… I wanted to push the stop-button, but there is no remote control when it comes to life.”

“Don’t feel bad about that,” Sarah begged with a guilt-ridden expression. “I wanted to press the stop-button too, and in a way, I guess I kind of did. Because emotionally, I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most. I was the one who shut you out first by making myself emotionally unavailable for you. You tried to talk to me about what happened… You needed to talk to me about it, but I wasn’t strong enough to do that. I didn’t want to face the fact that they were gone… I felt so guilty about it. So I made sure to keep myself busy, so I wouldn’t have the time or energy to think about it. It was stupid. As if acting like something hasn’t happened would somehow change the fact that it has,” Sarah snorted, seemingly annoyed with herself.

“But it’s normal to feel like that, isn’t it?” Norah objected, causing her sister to smile faintly. “When something bad happens you try to figure out how to change it, even though you know perfectly well that it’s impossible to go back in time and change the past. For some reason, you tend to think that you have more power over things than you actually have… Tom said that it’s normal for people to blame themselves when someone they love die, but also that just because you feel guilty about something, doesn’t mean that it’s actually your fault,” she paused and gazed at Sarah who was listening attentively to her and looked back at Norah with what appeared to be pride in her eyes. Norah lowered her gaze as she continued to share her thoughts. “Despite better judgement, we both seem to have felt like we could somehow change what happened. You by avoiding the subject altogether, and I by refusing to accept the fact that I would never get to see them again. I felt like I could somehow find a way to... crack the code and make them come back, and... sometimes I still feel that way. Like I can still make everything right somehow.”

“I’m so proud of you, Norah,” Sarah said and hugged her sister lovingly. “I think you’re absolutely right in your way of thinking about it. I find myself trying to crack that code too. I’m so scared of thinking of the past, and yet, I can’t seem to let go of it either.” Sarah paused and hesitated briefly before continuing to speak. “The house is far too big for us... But I don’t want to leave it, I don’t want to let go of it... and I don’t want to have to go through all the things in it.”

Norah looked seriously at her sister at the mention of the house. She remembered overhearing her uncle advising Sarah to sell the house a few years ago, and Sarah’s uncharacteristic response of angrily asking him to get the hell out of their house. “Me neither…” Norah agreed, and struggled to find a way to ask about their financial situation without being too blunt about it. She apprehensively began to address the issue the best she could, but felt from the start that she wasn’t being tactful enough. “Umm… about that... How are we doing financially? I mean, maybe I should try to find a job and-”

“That’s out of the question!” Sarah interrupted her with a dismayed look. “You have to finish high school first. That’s another thing I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…” she added with a sigh as her gaze softened. “But first things first, you don’t need to worry about money. I’ve got it covered. I haven’t touched any of the money our parents put aside for you or your part of the heritage, so you have money, Norah. Jus-”

“So you’ve only used your own money to pay for everything?!” Norah demanded irritably and glared at her sister. “That’s not right! I don’t care about having a lot of money on my account. Especially not at your expense! If you’re in any kind of financial trouble, just take them! I don’t want them! It’s not like I’ve done anything to earn them anyway!”

“Norah, please don’t get upset over this. There’s really nothing to worry about,” Sarah objected wearily and sighed heavily as she realised that there really was no point in telling her sister to calm down. Norah was already upset and hurt by Sarah’s habit of keeping things from her.

“Don’t lie to me! I can tell there’s been something bothering you lately! That’s why you take that medication, isn’t it? You worry about what’s going to happen when you’re all out of money! Let me help you, damn it!” Tears ran down Norah’s face as she involuntarily raised her voice at her sister.

Sarah looked at Norah in shock, seemingly speechless. The door to the small room opened and Tom walked in with a new tray of food. He had obviously heard Norah shouting, because he warily put the tray down on the table and observed the two sisters carefully before saying anything.

“Would you like some privacy?” he finally asked warily. Norah shook her head at him, feeling an urge to grill him about the whole thing now that Sarah seemed to be at a loss for words.

“Did you know about this?” Norah demanded, almost accusingly, and looked expectantly at him as he sunk down into a chair on the opposite side of the table.

“I think you need to clarify a little,” Tom replied with a slight smile and an attentive look.

“Did you know about Sarah exclusively using her own money to provide for me and her? Don’t you think it would make more sense for her to take some of my money to pay for at least half the costs?” Norah asked him, not giving him a chance to answer her questions before angrily asking a third and a fourth. “Don’t you think it’s idiotic of her to waste all her money on me, when she is the one who actually wants to do something with her life? Once I get my hands on that money, I’ll probably just spend them on drugs and die from an overdose anyway! Because that’s what messed up people like myself do, isn’t it?!”

Tom looked at Norah inquiringly for a moment before he spoke. “You really don’t need to worry about money, Norah. Isn’t that right, Sarah?” he gave his girlfriend a significative look which clearly indicated that this was something they had been talking about before. Sarah looked at him dubiously for a moment before finally nodding her head slowly at him, somewhat reluctantly. Norah frowned at this unusual exchange between the couple. Tom had sounded so authoritative as he addressed Sarah, whereas she had appeared so uncharacteristically docile as she seemingly agreed to something she up until then had refused. Was she accepting money from him while refusing Norah’s? Why couldn’t she just let Norah be the one to help her for once? Would that be the equivalent of hitting the low-water mark? Accepting help from the helpless?

“And for your information, Norah, you are not messed up, and you will not spend a single dime on anything illegal or harmful to you. I don’t care about how old you are, if I ever find you as much as considering trying any drugs, I will make sure to straighten you up,” Tom warned Norah firmly, throwing her a little off guard. She felt that unwelcome thrill of excitement again as she took in the sight of his slightly creased forehead and his piercing blue eyes watching her intently. Norah blushed slightly as she broke eye contact with him. What exactly was he implying? Norah bit her lip nervously as she glanced over at Sarah, curious about her reaction to Tom’s words, but found that Sarah didn’t even seem to have heard them. Sarah stared blankly in front of her, lost in thought and apparently quite distressed about something to judge from the uneasy expression on her face.

“Sarah? Are you okay?” Norah asked concernedly, carefully placing a hand on her sister’s shoulder to catch her attention and show support.

“I’m fine,” Sarah replied with an obviously forced smile and automatically wrapped an arm around Norah’s shoulders in response to her touch. She looked like she was about to burst into tears at any moment, which made Norah feel bad for getting mad at her sister the way she had.

“I’m sorry for getting angry with you, it’s just that I really wish you would let me know about things that are bothering you, because I really want to help. If I can’t help solve your problems, I can at least try to be there for you. If only you just let me,” Norah said honestly, hurt by the fact that her sister never turned to her for help.

“Right back at you,” Sarah replied, and this time her smile was more genuine, even though there was a sadness to it. Norah smiled sheepishly in response. Keeping things to themselves was one of the traits they actually did share. “I can see why you got upset. I’m really sorry for not being more honest with you. I just don’t want to make you worried, you’ve got more than enough on your plate as it is.”

“Yep, it’s quite loaded,” Norah agreed humorously, pushing the tray further away from herself, back in Tom’s direction.

“Cute,” Sarah remarked and moved the tray back towards Norah. “You can eat while we talk.”

“But I suck at doing two things at the same time,” Norah objected.

“Okay then. Eat first and then we’ll talk,” Sarah decided, causing Norah to pout.

“I guess I could try doing two things at the same time…” the younger sister mumbled sullenly and picked up one of the pieces of apple. When Norah began trying to take the peel off with her fingernails rather than eating the fruit, Sarah nudged her arm and gave her a look which indicated that she had little to no tolerance for that kind of behaviour. Norah sighed heavily and unwillingly placed the sweet tasting fruit into her mouth.

“My teeth hurt,” she complained after torturing herself by chewing and swallowing down the apple piece. Sarah sighed heavily in response and forced a stiff smile as she half-heartedly tried to hide her annoyance.

“It’s probably dental erosion. Stomach acids tend to do that your teeth,” Sarah told her little sister wryly, giving her a significative look.

“So I only have myself to blame,” Norah concluded brittly. “That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? It’s my own damn fault my teeth hurt because I’ve been stupid enough to throw up my food. But do you know what? If you wouldn’t have made me eat anything to begin with, there would be no fucking food to throw up!” she continued angrily. All traces of her former, more collected state of mind were wiped away and replaced by chaotic rage.

“Look Norah, I’m sorry,” Sarah apologised self-consciously, holding up her hands disarmedly. “It’s not your fault that you’re ill... I’m sorry for expressing myself so thoughtlessly. That’s not what I meant to say... I’m really sorry to hear that your teeth hurt. If you’ll let me take you to the dentist, they’ll probably be able to help you with that.”

“I’m not going to the dentist,” Norah replied decidedly. “And it is my own fault that I’m like this. I’m not ill - I’m just melodramatic, egocentric and idiotic. It serves me right to feel like this! Just leave me alone already! I don’t want you to spend any more of your time, money or energy on me! I’ll only disappoint you!”

Sarah looked at her sister sadly before she spoke. “That kind of thinking is part of your illness. You think it’s your own fault that you feel like this and that you deserve it, but you don’t and it’s not your fault. It’s never been your fault.” She paused and carefully studied Norah’s facial expression as it softened slightly. “There are so many things that we really need to talk about, but we can’t do that unless you calm yourself down first,” Sarah continued, causing Norah to look down dejectedly and sigh deeply as she swallowed her pride.

“I’m sorry,” Norah muttered reluctantly, not wanting to ruin yet another important conversation with Sarah. She really wanted to know what Sarah felt that they needed to talk about.

“Me too. I shouldn’t have phrased it like that. I didn’t mean to come off as accusative,” Sarah replied, her eyes watering a little as she wondered if it would always be this hard to speak to her little sister. It was hardly ever effortlessly that Sarah could exchange more than a few words with Norah. Surely she must be doing or saying something wrong, because Norah wasn’t really like that with anyone but her, at least not to that extent.

“So… what did you want to talk about?” Norah asked awkwardly and sighed when Sarah motioned for her to eat by nodding her head in the plate’s direction. Norah irritably grabbed the sandwich and took a sizable bite. She immediately regretted her action as she could hardly chew the food with her mouth closed. She really wanted to spit it all out, but didn’t want to test Sarah’s patience any further.

“I…” Sarah frowned slightly as she tried to figure out where to possibly begin. “I’m trying my hardest to get you out of here as quickly as possible, but in order to do that, I need you to be completely honest with me.”

Norah shifted uncomfortably in her seat at this, causing Sarah to smile sympathetically at her.

“I promise, I’ll try my hardest not to get upset. This is really important, Norah, and I really need you to trust me,” Sarah added earnestly.

“Okay,” Norah agreed quietly and sighed softly. “What do you want to know?”

Sarah frowned slightly as she considered her options. Should she go ahead and just begin with the hardest, most burning question, or go easier on her sister now that they finally sat down to talk?

“Why did you…” Sarah trailed off, not quite knowing how to phrase the question.

“Because I thought you would all be better off without me,” Norah replied and carefully avoided to look at Sarah and Tom. She felt ashamed, because now that she was sitting there in front of them, it didn’t feel like a good enough reason anymore. And who was she to decide whether they would be better off without her or not? What if Tom found out about her feelings about him and decided to leave because he thought that would be for the best? She would be truly devastated. “But I know now that just because you think you know something’s for the best, doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be true,” Norah added, and made herself look up again, first briefly looking at Tom to catch a glimpse of his serious face before turning to Sarah. “I’m sorry for intending to decide what would be best for you. It was very inconsiderate of me,” Norah finished, lowering her gaze.

Tears appeared in Sarah’s eyes as she looked at her little sister with a mixture of astonishment and admiration. She was both surprised and relieved to hear Norah’s way of reasoning. Then her half-smile dropped as she remembered that Norah’s important realisation probably would be all forgotten about the next time she got upset. Because that was just the way it was with Norah. And it had been like that for a very long time. Or perhaps it had always been like that. Sarah couldn’t remember a time when her sister hadn’t been controlled by her emotions, rather than able to take charge of them, like most people eventually learn to do growing up. She could be fine one moment and suicidal the next, for no apparent reason.

“I’m sorry too,” Sarah said as the tears continued to run down her cheeks. “And it’s not true that we would be better off without you. You know that right?”

“Sometimes I do,” Norah replied sadly, her eyes watering up to match Sarah’s.

“Whenever it feels like it’s not true, try to remember that thoughts are really just thoughts, and emotions are just emotions. They’re not truths, even if it may seem and feel like it sometimes,” Sarah advised intently.

Norah smiled sadly and nodded appreciatively in response. It was a difficult topic to discuss, but she felt that it went as well as it possibly could go considering the circumstances.

“Do you…” Sarah began to say apprehensively before cutting herself off.

“Go on,” Norah urged, just wanting to get it over with.

“Do you think you would have done it if Tom hadn’t turned up?”

Norah’s heart. Of course her sister wasn’t going to let the subject drop just yet. “I don’t know. Does it really matter? I mean, it never came to that anyway.”

“Of course it matters, Norah. What if you feel like that again and no one’s there to stop you?” Sarah objected.

“I promise I won’t kill myself, Sarah. No matter how upset I get,” Norah blurted out as the panic arose within her. She had to convince Sarah that she really had nothing to worry about, or else she would never get out of that place.

“Norah, I really want to believe you, I really do. But you’ve made me that promise before and you couldn’t keep it then. Why would this time be any different?” There was hurt in Sarah’s voice as she shared her doubts. Norah looked down in shame, and sighed heavily as she tried to come up with a really good reason for her sister to start trusting her again.

“Because…” Norah began to mumble, not knowing what she could possibly say to repair the damage she had caused. “Because I really want to live,” she mumbled quietly, almost inaudibly. “I don’t really want to die, Sarah,” Norah continued after a moment’s silence. Her voice was a bit stronger now, and she forced herself to look up at her sister. “I really want to live… but I don’t know how, because I feel so dead inside.” Sarah nodded her head agreeingly as Norah spoke, and smiled weakly.

“Then we need to find a way for you to feel alive again,” Sarah concluded. “What can we do to achieve that?”

Norah shrugged and carefully resisted the urge to leer at Tom. She wanted him to be her knight in shining armor, her prince to wake her up from years of slumber. If only he belonged to her, and her alone, she would forever be alright.

“I don’t know,” Norah finally muttered bitterly. The idea of Tom ever wanting to be with someone like her was nothing but a teenage girl’s fantasy. She knew that, and yet, she couldn’t help but hope.

“How about…” Sarah traced off, seemingly weighing her words carefully before finishing her sentence. “How about you start doing things that other people your age do?”

“Such as?” Norah questioned skeptically, a bit put off by her sister’s suggestion.

“Such as going to school and spending time with friends,” Sarah suggested with an insecure smile.

“Are you saying I don’t have any friends?” Norah asked angrily. “Well, guess what! I do! And I do spend time with them, online. Just because playing computer games together doesn’t match your idea of how friends should hang out, doesn’t mean that my friendships are less valuable than yours!”

“Norah, I didn’t mean it like that. You know that. I just meant that, you need to get out of the house every now and then and spend time with people in real life and not only on your computer,” Sarah explained, struggling to keep herself calm and not be affected by her sister’s way of lashing out at her.

“Well, in my opinion, seeing people IRL is completely overrated. And stupid. Everybody just leaves me once they really gets to know me! Why do you insist that I should keep putting myself through that?” Norah shouted angrily, and held up her hand to silence Sarah and Tom as they both opened their mouths to object. “And why are you so damn keen on getting me back to school, when all I do there is fail? Do you enjoy watching me suffer? Is that it? You sadistic fucking bitch!”

“That’s enough!” Tom said sharply with a flash of anger in his eyes as he firmly grabbed Norah by the wrist to stop her from dramatically sweeping the plate and glass off the table with her forearm. “Calm down, Norah,” he requested in a considerably gentler voice and loosened his grip around her wrist, but not quite daring to let it go just yet. Norah glared at him darkly before breaking eye contact, breathing angrily through her nostrils.

Save for the sound of Norah’s heavy breathing, the room was silent. Norah struggled to calm herself down as she felt as though both Tom and her sister were staring at her, or worse, exchanging looks behind her back. She shut her eyes for a moment and focused her attention on Tom’s long fingers wrapped around her wrist. Initially, his touch had both surprised and greatly annoyed her, but now, as her anger slowly subsided, she felt strangely comforted by it. Like it somehow was proof of the fact that he cared about her. Norah gave a deep sigh and finally relaxed her arm. Soon after noticing the change in tension, Tom released his grip. Norah looked at him from across the table with sad eyes as she gently put her hand on top of his open palm. He smiled gently at her in response as he let his fingers wrap around hers.

“I’m sorry,” Norah mumbled as she forced herself to look at her sister. Sarah’s gaze was hardened and her smile strained as she glanced at her little sister. She was tired of all of this; of Norah’s way of lashing out at her and her constant misinterpretation of whatever she would say; making Sarah out to be the villain and gaining everyone’s sympathy by turning herself into a victim. Sarah seriously doubted that she would be able to put up with this for much longer. Especially as of lately, when she had repeatedly found herself and Tom arguing about how to best help Norah. She could tell that he had grown quite fond of her little sister, which she always thought she wanted in a partner, someone who could accept Norah for who she was. But instead Sarah found herself jealous of the relationship Tom had managed build with Norah over the course of a few years. It was unfair that he somehow managed to get through to Norah, while Sarah simply did not.

“So am I,” Sarah replied brittly as she got up from her seat. “I need to get some fresh air. Tom will stay right here with you, won’t you Tom?”

Tom nodded agreeingly in response as he thoughtfully glanced at his girlfriend. He knew she was hurt, but couldn’t really come anything to do or say to make it all better without risking to upset Norah in the process. He had noticed the way the younger sister would look at him and Sarah with slight disgust whenever they kissed, hugged or held hands. He wasn’t sure why Norah appeared to be so annoyed about those displays of affection, and had initially tried to ignore it. But lately, as he had gained more insight into how lonely Norah felt, he had felt more self-conscious about kissing Sarah in front of her.

“She’s mad at me. Again,” Norah sighed, causing Tom to snap out of his thinking and realise that Sarah was no longer with them. “I messed up, didn’t I?” the girl before him wondered, causing him to smile gently at her.

“A little bit, maybe,” he agreed, making sure to reassuringly add: “but I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”

“I’m not so sure I’ll be able to fix this,” Norah said honestly. “What would you do if you were me? Would you go after her or give her some space?”

“I most certainly would make sure to finish my breakfast before she came back,” Tom advised. Norah glanced at the plate of food which she had nearly brought to the floor just a few minutes earlier and swallowed nervously as she reached out towards it. He was right; the most effective way to make Sarah forgive her was to comply with her request.


End file.
